I can't even remember the last time I was on this site it has to be about 5 months now or even longer. But I just wanted to come back and give an update on what's been going on in 2015. Well I can honestly say that I am HAPPY. I am SO happy to have my peace of mind back its crazy. I never thought I would get back to this point but I am! It's crazy how I don't even think about it anymore it's all like it never even happened. The depression, the anxiety, the mood swings it's like my brain has come full circle again and every facet is in alignment.
Chris Jay's blog
Reset my counter to accurately show when the last time I pmo'd was. You can't expect 200 day results if your at 159 days. Which makes me feel better cause as Marnia and Gabe have said before that they reached a turning point at around 6 months I'm pretty close to 6 months so hopefully I'll get there too. On to today, it was the last day at the job we threw a pizza,chicken party and the manager baked us a cake for our service.I had a really good time, time was flying. I forgot I had to clock out at 1.
Got my first Nintendo DSI.
Learned how to fap.
Started to MO to porn pictures(daily).
Got an Ipod for awhile (PMO'd)
I started to stop coming outside like I use to and I became less social with the neighborhood kids. Still remaining very social at school though (peak)
Bought my first Ipod pmo'd daily (straight,gay,lesbian)
Still wasn't coming outside but felt normal still could date girls and had an amazing year.
2013(Year of Hell)
Yesterday was really good actually no.type of.depressing thoughts and Marnia you were right about those cold showers and sleep. I took one at about 9 and went to sleep at about 2 hours earlier than normal. I slept really hard too so when I woke up I was actually tired.But today has been a different story been pretty irritated because of my mom we don't get along very well. And I was actually feeling really good until i got over here.At the moment I'm feeling kind of "numb" at the moment.
Must've miscounted because my counter says day 192, But today was good for the most part, had a pretty good work day. But at work today one of my good friends told me that one of the fellow cadets the really quiet shy guy asked him was I gay. And when that happened my heart like sunk into stomach and my heart started to beat faster.He was like "hey, is he gay you know cause like the way he talks and stuff?". When he told me that I just got mad and in my head I am like I want to fight this kid. I didn't confront him though or fight him.
Today was one of the better days. Little to no depressing thoughts and I didn't get them at work so I actually had a good work day and I got enough rest too. I noticed too things that I want to get rid of though since last year I've had my forehead darken up more than my actual skin tone (due to acne) and I have bags under my eyes(not sure what this is from though maybe lack of sleep?) Have you experienced these in your teens? and if not how do you get rid of these bags? They make me look tired all the time.
Forgot to update yesterday but the rest of the day was great. I went bike riding yesterday with my friends and we just had fun all day yesterday. Was pretty tired at work today didn't get enough sleep and I had depressing thoughts again same shit about suicide and my orientation. I used the red X technique yet again and its working rather efficiently. Just got off of work, so ill update later on about the rest of the day.
Despite the long blog post I had yesterday the rest of the day was really good. Went out to eat, hung out with friends, drove, and went to bed. This morning I started to have depressing thoughts again about suicide and about my orientation I started to have them when I was walking my dog and I just used the Red "X" technique to block these thoughts and switch my attention to something else. I'll have to continue working on this list of girls that I could possibly talk to.
Made the decision that I'm going to blog everyday or at least more often because these thoughts do really get to me at times. I have to use something to block these thoughts before they even start probably use the red X technique again.In 2012 my relationship ended with a the first girl who I really loved and it was hard man, but I could still date girls if I wanted and I didn't view girls or relationships any differently. But in early 2013 when I escalated it all COMPLETELY changed. My view on relationships,girls and sexual orientation.
I found this very interesting what "deathbypixels" had to say about how going without fapping for so long how it lead him to deep depression.And when he fapped again depression,anxiety etc was gone all while still doing no porn.I think it correlates with me maybe because I feel myself battling with depression again and its been 180+ days of no PMO.
What do you guys think of this?