Day 159

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Submitted by Chris Jay on
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Reset my counter to accurately show when the last time I pmo'd was. You can't expect 200 day results if your at 159 days. Which makes me feel better cause as Marnia and Gabe have said before that they reached a turning point at around 6 months I'm pretty close to 6 months so hopefully I'll get there too. On to today, it was the last day at the job we threw a pizza,chicken party and the manager baked us a cake for our service.I had a really good time, time was flying. I forgot I had to clock out at 1. I really didn't want to leave I had a great first summer job experience with some really cool people. I was having so much fun I didn't have time for any depression to creep up on me. I'm going to miss them, I'll see 'em tomorrow for the awards ceremony anyway so it's not a final goodbye yet. I got out of work feeling really good I noticed a drastic change in my mood and perception of things like I reported on Day 40 (before I relapsed). Then it was like I was in such a good place that I was like "wait, I haven't had any thoughts like I normally have" and then that's when they came back. I'm like damn jinxed myself lol. But I haven't felt as good as I was when I got out work since I left. Oh well, maybe tomorrow I'm not depressed or anything though so im staying cool for the most part.Going to get on Skype with a friend so I can just laugh and do something productive.

Comments

At least you see

that you triggered your depressive brain loop. It didn't "get" you. You "fetched" it.

We all do this, but when you spot yourself doing it, that's half the battle. Keep a list of things that elevate your mood or snap you out of it. Exercise? Cold shower? Reading your favorite inspirational author or watching an inspiring video?

Hmmm

I would say that what really helps me feel better are probably music and reading success stories. As far as moods recently they have been "ok" I still have a "brain fog" type of feeling even as of right now. I still wonder about being gay sometimes and I use mindfulness and that pretty much helps and try to switch my attention to something else. I just need this brain fog gone it's like I always feel tired no matter how much I sleep. I really want to take a trip down south and try to get away from it all I just want to feel "refreshed" again.

Well, I wouldn't say it that way

but I've definitely heard guys say their OCD got worse for a bit. I think of it as a withdrawal symptom.

It's complicated though, because OCD tendencies are also a risk factor for porn problems. So some guys have it before and it makes things worse with porn use. Some guys just get more anxious during recovery and it shows up as OCD-like misery.

I'm probably the second one

never had any type of ocd/ocd tendencies so that's what that hell must be. But today is Day 163(?) I'm not sure because I don't count days anymore mentally but it was really really good I haven't had any depressing thoughts at all or any type of anxiety and it's been great. Even when I thought "hey, haven't had those thoughts today!" they didn't trigger a depressive brain loop and it's been great. I think I'm starting to see noticeable results with this reboot finally. I don't want to get too excited cause you know recovery isn't linear and neither are my moods. Plus, I can't really get excited because my emotions are still pretty numb but as far as depression and anxiety it's been out the window didn't feel sluggish today either. Still not "refreshed" but not sluggish. Taking a cold shower then off to bed! Goodnight Marnia!

For some reason

I'm starting to worry about my little brother getting into porn I don't want him to go through this. He's 12 and I want him to be able to keep his "balanced" brain in tact for as long as he can. I just worry that if I tell him why he should stay away from it the curiosity will lead him to check it out anyway. Before long it's a habit... what do you think I should do?