Made the decision that I'm going to blog everyday or at least more often because these thoughts do really get to me at times. I have to use something to block these thoughts before they even start probably use the red X technique again.In 2012 my relationship ended with a the first girl who I really loved and it was hard man, but I could still date girls if I wanted and I didn't view girls or relationships any differently. But in early 2013 when I escalated it all COMPLETELY changed. My view on relationships,girls and sexual orientation. And its like my brain physically changed from that point on (out of balance). And now its taking forever to snap back into place. All I want is to be happy and to be able to form healthy relationships with girls again. And the worst part about that was that when I got all out of balance it seems like EVERYBODY is wanting a relationship and always talking about their bf or gf all the time irl and on social media which just pisses me off because I cant have that which is why I deleted my Instagram the other day. That's the main piece of the puzzle that I really want and it seems like I'm never going to have it again. Then I will get thoughts like "the reason you can't/ don't have a desire to date girls anymore is because you're coming to terms with your REAL orientation". Then I think about dating guys and I feel like I don't have that repulsed feeling about girls but at the same time I don't WANT to date guys there's just something unnatural about that to me.So I don't think this is real just my brain acting crazy trying to adjust but I still do have some doubt about this whole thing. I'll have to track my thoughts and how to overckme them everyday when I get them it should really help my brain to stop running these ridiculous loops.