Day 187

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Submitted by Chris Jay on
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Made the decision that I'm going to blog everyday or at least more often because these thoughts do really get to me at times. I have to use something to block these thoughts before they even start probably use the red X technique again.In 2012 my relationship ended with a the first girl who I really loved and it was hard man, but I could still date girls if I wanted and I didn't view girls or relationships any differently. But in early 2013 when I escalated it all COMPLETELY changed. My view on relationships,girls and sexual orientation. And its like my brain physically changed from that point on (out of balance). And now its taking forever to snap back into place. All I want is to be happy and to be able to form healthy relationships with girls again. And the worst part about that was that when I got all out of balance it seems like EVERYBODY is wanting a relationship and always talking about their bf or gf all the time irl and on social media which just pisses me off because I cant have that which is why I deleted my Instagram the other day. That's the main piece of the puzzle that I really want and it seems like I'm never going to have it again. Then I will get thoughts like "the reason you can't/ don't have a desire to date girls anymore is because you're coming to terms with your REAL orientation". Then I think about dating guys and I feel like I don't have that repulsed feeling about girls but at the same time I don't WANT to date guys there's just something unnatural about that to me.So I don't think this is real just my brain acting crazy trying to adjust but I still do have some doubt about this whole thing. I'll have to track my thoughts and how to overckme them everyday when I get them it should really help my brain to stop running these ridiculous loops.


I've actually

Started doing that but it's like when I talk to girls they lose my interest in the first couple of minutes I don't think I can have a healthy relationship with someone if I don't have those "feelings" for them. That would be unfair for them.

Just have to find someone who I can share them with

I need to stop being so close minded and worrying about what others will think about who I date. If I like a person im going to take a chance with them. Thank you Marnia, i'll definitely read this. I really can't repay you for all that you've done for me and all of the other guys on this site. You've gotten me away from some of my worst moments without you I don't what the hell could've happened to me. For that I truly want to thank you, you are very appreciated.

You're welcome

As you know, I hate that guys your age are getting caught in this web. I don't feel "responsible," but I do feel sad that our generation got it so wrong, and left a bog of quicksand right in your paths. Bomb