Mapping Out My Experience

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Submitted by Chris Jay on
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2010/2011

Got my first Nintendo DSI.

Learned how to fap.

Started to MO to porn pictures(daily).

Got an Ipod for awhile (PMO'd)

I started to stop coming outside like I use to and I became less social with the neighborhood kids. Still remaining very social at school though (peak)

2012

Bought my first Ipod pmo'd daily (straight,gay,lesbian)

Still wasn't coming outside but felt normal still could date girls and had an amazing year.

2013(Year of Hell)

Early in the year escalated and started to freak out because I couldn't get turned on to previous porn.

Thought I turned gay and my whole view of relationships,life and happiness all changed.

Became way less social especially with males. If males were around I turned the other way.

Tried to stop PMO but was too heavily wired to quit for more than 11 days(let alone 90).

Got serious before September and quit.

Before long had no urges and it wasn't even hard but I wasn't noticing any affects.

OCTOBER

Started to become unhappy.

NOVEMBER

SERIOUS WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOMS
(Mood Swings,Depression,Emotional Numbness,Bipolar like symptoms and HOCD)

DECEMBER

Same symptoms(until relapse)

relapsing made me lose all of these symptoms and I was happy and I felt "straight" again.

JANUARY

Continued to relapse.

FEBRUARY

Stopped pmo'ing but continued to lurk on porn sites and look at pics.

MARCH

Relapsed,still looked at pics,still lurking on porn sites.

APRIL

Started to get a hold of things, pics here and there. (no relapses)

MAY
CLEAN(felt okay not back to normal though)

JUNE
CLEAN (felt okay just okay)

JULY

CLEAN(still not feeling amazing)

AUGUST

Starting to have mood swings again still not back to normal) (feeling emotionless still)

The whole point of this was to make sense out of this whole experience because it feels like this thing is working for everyone but me.I know patience is key but damn I at least want to stop feeling like an emotionless zombie who's always wondering about his orientation all the time. Also it made me realize I need to reset my counter because of that slip up I had in march ( I blogged about it here) I didnt reset it because I didn't want to deal with the shame of resetting it. So instead of almost 200 days it will be close to five months. Which is probaly why I'm not experiencing the effects yet.I feel better about it now so I know I have a more rational goal.Guys say it took them a while to get their emotions back any but hints on when de-escalation is going to happen?

Comments

I'm sorry.

It can definitely take a while. Gary and I were just talking about Gabe...who was completely wired to real girls...and yet once he ended up with ED needed 9 months to get sexual function back...and another 9 months before he really felt "normal" again.

I wish there were clear answers, but this is a new problem and the range of recoveries is surprisingly wide.

Remember, recover isn't just about NOT doing. It's also about wiring your brain however you want to go in the future. So do what you can to hang out with potential mates.

What have you decided to do about your ex? Is she keeping you from seeing the potential in your life now?

 

I honestly don't know

I'm not jealous anymore of her boyfriends and stuff. And I know if I had the opportunity to go back out with her I would probably not know what do to do. But I told myself I wouldn't because there was/is no point of me doing that (for what? just so we can breakup again?) I'm not going through that again.The ONLY type of feelings crush or fascination I've felt for any girl was one in the beginning of the school year and my supervisor at my job (she's 19 and has a boyfriend so no luck there)

Also I know its off subject

but we got another dog he's a 5 week old Cane Corso. I'll be able to pick em up on Saturday. He's the runt of the litter but I did a little research and it says that in some cases he may remain smaller but in a lot of cases they turn out to be the biggest dogs out of the litter.Just don't try to over feed them so that they "catch up" with their brothers and sisters.

Wow!

I looked up a picture of one and it was gorgeous. 'Course I've had black labs in the past, and it reminds them of them. I should think "runt of the litter" would be a good idea. That's gonna be a Big Dog.

Congratulations! I bet you can't wait until Saturday!

As for the lack of crushes...sometimes you just hit a dry spell...and then all of a sudden...the most amazing person appears. Man in love

Yeah I am

I'm not sure what I'm going to name him yet he has blue eyes and a blue coat so might name him blue idk I'll have to learn his personality first I guess.

Pattern??

One pattern I notice on the forums is that the OCD people post frequently in the fall and winter.

I notice this myself in my own OCD. Seasonal depression strikes after daylight savings and darker months and may have been a factor in my breakups. Seasonal depression also sometimes triggers or worsens my own OCD. I live in sunny Califonia so it can happen anywhere but most commonly in northern states with long winters. If this is true then a doctors visit would help. There are good non drug treatments for seasonal depression a special sunlamp for only $60-$100.

Let us know the dog name.

Maybe

that's why I had to map out everything cause to me it didn't make any sense to me why I was experiencing "withdrawal" in November if I quit around September. Pretty much from November through March I was pretty unhappy but when it warmed up outside I started to feel a little better a day at a time. I hope and pray that I don't ever have to go through that again and not this upcoming winter/fall. That depression is no joke.

PS

I hope you never have to go through it again either. On the other hand, it's good to know that if you ever find yourself in that tunnel...there is light at the end of it.

I doubt it will happen

again and if it does I'm way more equipped to deal with it. I have to make my Sophomore year better than my Freshman year. But just yesterday I had to go register for classes and I got to see all my friends who are now going on to be Sophomores. I kind of felt "disconnected" talking to them ya know? it's like I felt kind of awkward talking to them even though I already know them. I want that "in-tune" feeling again when I talk to people, can you give me that link for tips of social advice again if you still have it?

It's not unusual

to have to "break the ice" again after a summer vacation. It will quickly pass. Some days are just more awkward than others. Remember that 3 social cues people use to strengthen their connection are eye-contact, smiles and listening intently and then letting the person know you heard them by showing interest in what they said in your next remarks. Also ask questions that let they know you're interested in their lives. "Who do you have for history?" or whatever.

Okay will be put to use

in the upcoming school year. Anyway earlier today since I live with my grandparents every Friday my mom comes to pick us up. Ever since I was a kid I didn't necessarily like going over there because we didn't have the things that I had at my grandparents house. So every time she would come to get us I would have this irritated feeling like "ugh I don't want to go over there". Now she has those things at her house but it's just something about when she comes to pick me and my brother up I just get extremely annoyed. And it's even worse now because I'm at that stage where smart ass replies come out naturally now. It's like I try to be cool but she's always asking me questions and I'm just like "please shut up" and like right now we were just talking I was fine in my own room on my phone and she calls me out to the living room and she's just asking me what I'm doing and I'm like thinking "would you just leave me alone" and then she's like why aren't you happy? And she was like I know you're not happy. I'm just thinking "you have no clue" and she just going on and on and I'm just ignoring her. Then I'll "adapt" to being over here then I'm pretty good with her then I have to leave on Sunday and the cycle continues... *sigh* I wish I didn't feel this way. It's like last year when this all started and at first it was like she was picking on me I felt like because one day we were out to eat and she was like "you're going to join the football team" (she knows I don't like sports like that) and it was like she was trying to force me to do stuff like I didn't have a option. And I (still being respectful at the time) would just say no and she was like "no you're going to do it". And that pretty much happened for months like she was too hard on me always snapping on me over little stuff. So then later on down the road I looked back on that and how pissed it made me and it made me feel like a punk or something with her just walking all over me so I just started snapping back and it's been that way ever since... I either snap back or ignore her and then she comes to me and it's kind of bad because she's being just nice to me and she hasn't done that stuff in months and I'm completely curving her every time. I know that this is normal though all of my friends go through this with their parents but it's tough... When did your rough patch end with your mom?

When I went to college :-)

But don't despair. You're a bright guy. You'll figure out better ways of coping. It sounds like an awkward situation for anyone.

Moms always think they know best...and often they don't. Just find nice ways to keep saying no, and doing what you know needs to be done. And don't play football unless it's something you love. Lots bad knees happen that way. (See, I'm as bad as your mom. Wink )

And do exercise, one way or the other. It's a great mood regulator, especially during teen years.

Yeah

I actually had to force myself to workout last night and I'm not feeling any soreness today so that means I need to kick up the intensity.

Good idea

did some running last night but it was really late so it was on a treadmill for about 30 minutes then I did some ab workouts. When I was doing abs I had such a pain in my lower abs that I was really sure I was going to be sore from the workout the day after and still no soreness. I'm going to try out some more things and try to workout 3-4 times a week . Also my moms going to make a doctor's appointment for my skin and maybe the doctor can give me something that will help with my skin type. In other news, I got my dog today finally he's 7 weeks. His color has already changed from a blue coat to a fawn/blueish color and his eyes are still blue. Not sure what to name him yet but I'll figure it out after spending some time with him.