My Struggle With Withdrawal

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Submitted by Chris Jay on
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Hello Everyone I want to say this is my first time posting here but I've been lurking for quite awhile.
My Story
Im going to try to not make it as lengthy as it could be.
I've had plenty of girlfriends throughout my life ever since elementary.People have always teased me called me gay because they say I soundgay or talk gay or look gay etc. This is something that has always bothered me even though its less frequent now it still bothers me its extremely annoying. I always wish iI didn't look gay etc. I hate when random people walk up to me and ask me "are you gay?".I absolutely hate it besides that. Since I was never interested in sports all of the "manly" things. I guess this has something to do for me watching gay porn? I'm not sure but anyways by middle school life was great I was getting older, had lots of friends had a girlfriend in the 7th grade who I really loved deeply. My grades were good my life was great I LOVED LIFE.Now I tend to hate it and think about suicide sometimes which is crazy now. I always wanted to learn how to masturbate and when I finally did by the age of 12 that's when it all started. I had a Nintendo DSI at the time and when I wanted to masturbate I would type in the type of porn I wanted for that day and masturbate to pictures. They would slip between straight,lesbian and gay.If I wanted to masturbate sometimes I would use pure imagination I would create whatever fantasy I wanted and MO to it.once I got an ipod though I could watch internet porn and this let me watch those 3 types of porn again. They all equally turned me on the Gay porn never really bothered me honestly until this year. So the PMOing every day went on for 2 years from when I was 12 to know (yes I'm only 14). One day I came home from school for my usual PMO session and my mind was just telling me to watch Gay Porn. So I thought okay I'll do that. The next day the same thing happened it was saying "watch it" so this went on for awhile probably days or a few weeks and I was only watching Gay Porn. Then one day I thought "hey I should watch Lesbian today" so I went into the lesbian category played the video and boom no erection<- This moment absolutely started my depression. I was freaked out like why isn't it turning me on? Am I turning gay? Etc. So basically I kept on trying to get turned on by lesbian porn again but I couldn't unless I imagined two dudes in the scene it was something that made me confused and depressed. I continued to PMO to gay porn because it was the only thing that would get me off. This made me feel utterly disgusted with myself I remember after a PMO session I looked at my reflection and just turned away in disgust thoughts like "how could i have another girlfriend if only gay things turn me on?" "I must be gay" . This PMO went on for months and months i would feel bad always after doing it. I felt as if I lost all attraction to real life girls I didn't want to date anyone talk to anyone flirt with anyone except for my ex who I still had feelings for. I would try to makey feelings for her proof that I wasn't gay. I however don't think this was HOCD though. I am currently on the 61st day of my current reboot the withdrawals have been HELL bipolar disorder like symptoms daily, anxiety about being gay when my brain is rebalances etc. Although i am on my 61st day i havent been clean the whole way. I was 100% clean till Day 41 i relapsed to lesbian porn i was excited because it turned me on again so i PMOed. I relapsed probably 11 times from day 40 to Day 57 i am currently 4 days clean. I have/havent had any libido this entire reboot the only improvements i notice is that i dont have bipolar like symptoms which is great and all but i need some libido i WANT TO BE MYSELF AGAIN. So should i start all over or should i just keep going i highly doubt ill be cured by day 90. I dont want to stay like this forever please help.

Comments

I feel what feeds my HOCD

during withdrawal is stereotypes like every guy who didn't like sports or guy things always tend to be gay so what makes me any different? Is something that I usually get I don't want to be like this! Please help Sad

Relax

Today's internet porn is confusing all kinds of regular users, gay, straight and whatever. It takes time for your brain to return to normal. By the way, if you were masturbating to lesbian porn at day 41 you had libido.

I think that the fact that after you gave porn a rest for 41 days your sensitivity to earlier porn returned shows you how plastic your brain is. Stay away from Internet porn...forever. Brains that are sensitive to "morphing tastes" and OCD worries simply do not do well with today's porn. It's too stimulating and rapidly causes their brain to scream for more stimulation.

The anxiety during withdrawal is very common for HOCD sufferers. Some even need meds to get through the withdrawal period. Alternatively, you could try lots of exercise, daily cold showers, meditation or one of the other techniques here: ♦Solo Tools

Have you watched this video? It will help you understand what's going on in your brain. Adolescent Brain Meets Highspeed Internet Porn - YouTube

It's too soon to worry about your libido. It'll be back. Wink As soon as you feel better, your doubts will clear up. Non-macho men can be very sexy, and I'm sure your girlfriends thought so too. Man in love

Thank you!

So should I just continue with the reboot I'm on Day 62. And by no libido I mean nothing outside of porn is turning me on absolutely nothing! This is something that increases my worries at times. I know once I get my libido back it will be cherished like a freaking superpower, and that all of my worries will fade my confidence will be back etc. Its taking a very long time to come back though, I'll take your advice and wait.

Yeah, keep rolling

This guy need months to get his libido started again. You could also contact him: ▶ Porn Induced ED Reboot Advice - YouTube

After 6 months (Don't panic...I doubt you'll need so long!), he went on a mini-retreat and just drank water for 2-3 days and that seems to have kickstarted his dopamine sensitivity. Colors were brighter, sexual feelings returned, food tasted great. But was it the short fast? Or just the right timing for his brain? No one really knows yet.

But there are various techniques for improving your neurotransmitter balance at www.gettingstronger.org. It's a pretty inspiring site and we've met its host. He's a great guy with college-age kids.

Actually,

your brain is at prime plasticity still, so I'm betting you can turn things around pretty easily. When did you first start internet porn again?

When we say that younger guys are needing longer, we mean early 20ies guys (who've been using internet porn for 10 years) compared with 40+, who didn't start masturbating to highspeed...and use it for 10 years before having real sex.

Have you watched this? Adolescent Brain Meets Highspeed Internet Porn - YouTube

since i was 12

i used PMO literally everyday it was once a day. I have seen that video also. I never thought i was an addict because its so normal and all my friends did it etc.

Day 62

Today was good had a good day at school and i felt some reassurance after Marnia's comment about my libido. But something did happen today I saw a 6 second clip of Transexual porn today.Something ive never seen before nor had an interest in the thoufht of a trans turns me off! I was scrolling on twitter and I saw a vine and i thought it was something funny or something so I clicked on it and found out it was a transexual and a man it was oral. I immediately clicked off of it. I tried to brush it off but it stuck with me for a minute. I've heard of all the guys who have escalated to trans porn and I do not want to be ln their shoes. My head feels a little clouded though kind of tired otherwise nothing spectacular.

Day 63

Well today started off kiind of weird.I had a BUNCH of vivid dreams. Then i had a wet dream about looking at a vagina. i havent had any of those in a WHILE due to all of the relapsing ive done. So that was nice is there a sign of libido use connected to wet dreams? i know they are natural and cant be considered a relapse.Just at thought anyway ill update later today.
Update
Went to the movies saw Ride Along it was A very funny movie. Had a great day really and I also noticed I was able to retain information better today which is great!!! Got home and felt kind of horny but I know I'm still in Flat line so I'll wait patiently.Its a good feeling to know I'll be myself again soon slowly but surely I will.

Judging from other guys' experiences with HOCD

the spikes (panicky doubts) continue for a while, in dreams and real life as your brain does its mental housecleaning and rebalancing. Try to to take any of it too seriously. It's all just neurochemicals rising and falling. Stay detached and wait for things to level out.

What guys say helps the most is exercise, meditation, doing something creative, martial arts, time in nature and socializing. Don't just sit around and bite your nails (not that you are Smile ). "Keep calm and carry on" as the famous British saying goes.

Day 64 & 65

This day was good mediated which is good.
Day 65
Had a dream of a lesbian porn it was like i was watching porn in my dream.And even watching all of that in my dream i could feel a little something going on down there but it wasnt enough to get me fully erect, which is kind of annoying considering that thats the reason why i got so depressed and confused about my sexuality.I rememeber the days when i could jusg fantasize abour a vagina and masturbate to it. Now vaginas dont turn me on really anymore.Today so far ive had episodes of thoughts of being gay and they are rather annoying. I know once my brain goes back in balance I'll be cured and these thoughts will go away buy Jesus is it taking a long time.

Just swat them away like flies

These are just old brain loops firing, as your brain looks around for things it associates with spreading your seed to the next generation (or so it evolved to assume Wink ).

 So many guys have gone through what you have. If you still fear your situation is unique, read through these self-reports. They were so common I finally quit collecting them.

TEENS

TOLERANCE

some recovery stories on this page:

I'm straight, but attracted to transexual or gay porn. What's up? | Your Brain On Porn

I just relapsed

To gay porn...I just feel ashamed of myself at this point. Its like i can't control myself. With an original urge to watch lesbian then it turned to gay and I finally ended up relapsing just now. I just don't know how to feel I'm at Day 65 and still relapsing every 10+ days. I'm thinking about starting at Day 1 again at this point. I just want my brain to be in balance so bad but I keep slowing my recovery every time I relapse and its just a bad feeling. Now I have to worry about feeling like shit again in a couple of days Sad

If you relapse every 10 days...

you've never been at 65 days. Smile You don't seem to fully understand that watching internet porn itself...whatever the content...is what's likely behind the escalation to morphing porn tastes.

What can you do to block porn and masturbate without it if you feel you must masturbate?

How do I masturbate without porn? | Your Brain On Porn

Are there any guidelines for healthy masturbation? | Your Brain On Porn

Rethinking the Wonders of Adult Masturbation | Your Brain On Porn

PS

Don't feel bad. Your brain has been conditioned by porn....like millions of other brains your age.

On the other hand, this is a serious issue, and if you don't turn it around the inertia of the human reward circuitry will strengthen your wiring to the weird and wonderful...and it won't stop with gay porn either.

When you feel an urge to relapse: I relapsed or am in danger of relapse. (EMERGENCY MEASURES) |

There's no quick fix here, but the effort and misery of withdrawal will be well worth it.

Without porn

i dont have any desire to masturbate. I have no libido at all. I stopped watching porn in September and I also cut back heavily on masturbation because I didn't want to enter high like this. I started my current rebbot on November 18th. Also I'm aware I was never 65 days clean I just didn't like the feeling of going all the way back today 1. So should i go back to day 1?

Day 1 it is

going to have a friend put a password on my phones porn blocker so that i cant watch porn at all for my second reboot. I know its normal and i notice when i have no libido at all it adds to my worries that when my libido comes back that im.going to be gay (hocd). I've seen that video also.

OCD is a bitch

Just because those "OMG? WTF??" spikes get more insistent during withdrawal, doesn't mean anything about where your orientation is ultimately headed...unless you get off to them.

I say that because it's getting aroused to/orgasming to new tastes that wire them more strongly into your brain. Of course overdoing the porn such that you're not responding normally to the kinds of sexual cues that interested you early on also adds to the confusion...and perhaps panic.

But your morphing porn tastes are just brain plasticity doing its thing (wiring arousal to whatever is in your environment...or your fantasies). Did you read this article? Porn Then and Now: Welcome to Brain Training | Your Brain On Porn

You also read about how scientists condition rats to get aroused to same sex partners right? It's a superficial taste altered by associating high-dopamine states with...well...whatever. In the case of that experiment, it was conditioned to hanging out with a male. Result? The rat got erections with his new pal.

But I'm guessing that if you didn't give the rat the option of pursuing his conditioned response (hanging with his artificial-dopamine buddy)...and only gave him receptive females to hang out with, his preference would soon fade. 'Cause it's not his native wiring.

I'd give the no porn thing a couple of months before entertaining any fears about what the future might hold. Just wait. And if the cravings and spikes get bad, use the tried and true methods of easing discomfort: vigorous exercise, Cold water technique, Energy Circulation Practices, Meditation, socializing, and other from this page: ♦Solo Tools

Are you able to get to YBOP or is it blocked for you?

Day 2

Today was good. Some spikes here and there but for the most part a very good day. Finally learned this lesson in geometry I was struggling with that I have a test on tomorrow Smile which is great since I've been especially struggling with that subject. But all in all a good day.

Day 3

Head feeling really tired today had an overall tired feeling today. I had a good day though just my brain and head just felt really tired. I was productive today and am doing better at geometry Smile I finally get it now! I've experienced the up and down depression state it was literally the worst thing EVER.So I will definitely use the solo tools this time if it happens again. Had also bad urges today for P good thing I have this blocker so I can't even see a glimpse Smile
Mood 7/10
Urges 6/10
Hocd 3/10

Day 4

Today was a good day again. Went to go see a movie today it had some gay things in some of the scenes it caused me little anxiety but didn't really let it bother me.Had some strong feelings resurface for my ex today..its been 2 years since we broke up and we are really close friends. I have never really gotten over her but she has a bf and has been with him for 9 months now and she is really happy with this guy. She's been really the only girl I can envision myself with. I want to gain feelings for other girls but they just can't compare to her some can but the chemistry between us is so good. Its bittersweet really. Also thanks Marnia it was tough.
Mood 8/10
Urges 2/10
Hocd 2/10

The best cure

for forgetting the pain is a new sweetheart. Seriously, when a mother sheep produces a new lamb, oxytocin triggers her brain to let go of the old one and focus on the new one.

Just sayin'. Dash 1

Dwelling on failed relationships is stressful...and stress often triggers cravings and spikes. So you can't afford to dwell just now. Are you flirting?

not currently

I like certain types of girls and correct me of I'm wrong but desensitization is when you think life is dull at the moment or you don't like the old types of porn that you use to get of to right? Because I don't really like texting orsocial networking or any of the things i used to enjoy anymore

Well, maybe it's not time yet

But just make it a point to look potential partners in the eye and smile when you see them IRL. It's good to unhook from screens to the extent possible right now because you're dealing with the effects of internet overconsumption.

Day 5

Had a debate about hocd today on YBR with a guys who's approach to hocd would send huge spikes to Hove sufferers like it did to me before. A month ago I would be crawling up the wall with anxiety about what this guy was saying now I calmly realized what he was saying was bs and held a pretty good debate. No anxiety no freaking out no nothing. Other than that didn't do much of anything today stay inside did some homework.
Mood 9/10
Urges 0/10
Hocd 1/10

You've come a long way

The battle here is against your own anxiety, not any particular thought. And as you integrate that reality you can stay centered and see through a lot of illusions (a useful skill to develop on this planet....).

Just know that if ever you're stressed, you may have a spike or two. That's when you really need to keep your cool.

YBR has some of the guys who are suffering the worst from all kinds of extreme porn-related problems (and sometimes deeper imbalances). It can be a good mental gym, but it's not the world's most...balanced forum. Biggrin

Day 6

Really good day as far as moods I felt genuinely happy with myself something I haven't felt in a year. Smile no Hocd spikes absolutely no anxiety and no real urges. and as far as libido I felt as if something was trying to happen like I kept having this sexual not really horny feeling but a sense of arousal was going on.Marnia could you explain to me what desensitization means? Seen the term thrown around a lot and I would like a better understanding of it Smile
Mood 10/10
Urges 1/10
Hoc 0/10
Libido 3/10

i watched the video but it didnt explain

Desensitization. Also, lately I've been having these gay related sexual fantasies. I don't get an erection with them but i constantly have them. I actually two types of sexual fantasies one straight and one gay the straight line feels good, natural and I actually like it its emotional+physical. The gay ones are usually guys at school who I would NEVER have these lustful feelings for and its usually them in like a porn scenario. These fantasies don't get me in erect I don't enjoy them emotionally its purely LUST. Will these go away as I reboot longer?

Day 7

Mood 7/10
Urges 0/10
Hocd 2/10
Kind of get anxious when I read something on twitter. It was a @commongayboy page and their bio said if you relate to any of this stuff you're gay".That didn't make me anxious it just made me feel.uneasy and I clicked of of it. Also I had periods in the day when I was having depressive thoughts like "the reboot doesn't work" "you're never going to be straight" "your going to be like this forever".
Ive had these thoughts frequently before.So it didnt surprise me otherwise nothing spectacular.

Just one question...

What were you doing there, on that twitter feed? If you were looking for relevant info, stop that for now. You can do it in a few months if you still have questions. Not now. It's the constant analyzing that is the OCD. Stop it.

I was

Scrolling down my Timeline and I saw the page retweeted by someone on my timeline. Usually the common pages are funny.like @commonwhitegirl @commonteenagers and the common gay boy ass funny also but it still made me anxious sort of so I will take your advice and stop analyzing Smile

Day 8 & 9

Day 8
This day was very good its kind of hard for me to remember what really happened though and it was only yesterday :/ its something I've been noticing about the rebooting process is that if I dont blog that day and try to tell what happened the day after I can't really remember
Day 9
Today was pretty great actually! Had a really good day today at school I felt like my oldself again especially when it came to socializing I didn't feel so awkward around people I felt like I could talk to everybody. And I did! I honestly think this reboot is going to be waaaay easier than my first one. My first reboot was BRUTAL not even because i wanted to PMO it was those nasty withdrawals i dont even know why i was having withdrawals in november even though I stopped watching P in september. I was masturbating but it was a lot less then what i was doing. Im noticing way more improvements on only Day 9 of this current reboot then my whole 40 days of rebooting in my first reboot Wink

Recovery is mysterious

and everyone's is different, often with ups and downs that "make no sense." My guess is that some of the work you did earlier is still paying off.

I don't know why OCDish tendencies are associated with such extreme withdrawal misery. Must have something to do with brain balance in key areas of the brain.

Glad the worst seems to be behind you.

Thanks Marnia for the encouragement and Day 10

I forgot to mention that after watching so much Gay porn I developed a fetish for the male behind I remember periods when I was only mb'ing to sagging pictures it gave me that "rush" I needed. Then felt bad afterwards so whenever I see a guy sag I feel the need to STARE im not erect for anything I just feel like I kind of "have to" do it. also its this guy in my health class who's attractive and I just feel the need to stare at him maybe because he's confident and very social (all of the things I will be pretty soon again) But I've never had these feelings before so I'm pretty sure it was the porn use so I hope this goes away as I reboot. In other news I'm starting Tk like the high school I'm in . I have disliked this place since I got here its because I was in my 1st reboot and I was having a lot of depression that changed my outlook on life and made it something depressing and grey. So happy that I'm seeing improvements all I need now is for me to be certain that I can date again THEN I'm sure I'll be cured and fully rebooted.

Day 11 & Day 12

DAY 11
Was pretty unhappy because I didn't have school today because I really wanted to go. Like I said earlier I'm really starting to like my highschool now and all of the people I hang out with. But today was good though as expected just pretty bored I do want to go out a lot of places with friends but being only 14 and the bad weather that's going on right now it isn't very likely that's going to happen.
Mood 8/10
Urges 5/10
Hocd 0/10
DAY 12
Went out a couple of places today with family I can officially start to say I'm starting to feel like my old self again today. I'm starting to want to date again and that "feeling" that I have been longing for regarding my orientation is finally starting to get here now.I did have urges often flipping between Lesbian P and Gay P. I find that whenever I get these urges the thought of lesbian p is arouing but its a lot easier to get hard instantly at the thought of even the slightest thought of gay p. I'm pretty sure its because I escalated to it last year and its pretty hardwired in my brain.I got hit with depression for a slight sec then it went away a couple of mins later. But yeah that feeling that I can date girls again is here again or at least getting here and that's all I really wanted or could ask for right now!
(ps Marnia YBOP is still blocked from my current porn blocker so I wasn't able to read the article)
Mood 9/10
Urges 8/10
HOCD nonexistent

Sorry, I keep forgetting...

Having seen guys heal from HOCD before, I can tell you that your porn tastes will most likely gradually "retrograde" back through your escalation trajectory. Your brain gives up on one "hot" trigger...when you don't indulge it...so then it goes back to a previous favorite...and so on until real people start to look hot. Smile So don't worry that some things are still hotter than others. Just enjoy the progress.

 

Here's the article:

Porn could be changing how you see your life.

When I relapse, things in social settings get awkward. It's funny. When I'm having a conversation right after a relapse, I say things in my head like, "Why am I even talking to this person? Why would they want to talk to me? What is my monetary, or sexual gain from this conversation?" It's as if when I relapse there needs to be a stone cold reason, agreed upon, about the benefits for both parties before we can speak to each other. LOL That's what the brain does to me when I PMO. It's shitty shit. Can frequent porn use change users' perception in unexpected ways? Within a month or two of stopping porn, former users posting on my website's forum report greater clarity and optimism, and less dissatisfaction with their lives. They also see women and relationships differently. It may be that porn's effects are more invasive than generally acknowledged—even if devilishly difficult to measure. Said one guy: Eight or nine years ago, I started to watch porn daily. Today I am 21. I masturbated at least once a day, but often up to 6 times. I truly thought it had no effect on my personality, but one day I realized that I had sort of a split personality. When horny I saw women as an objects for satisfaction, as vaginas with two legs. I know this sounds really degrading. On the other hand all my friends thought the same way, so I never got a reality check. A perception shift is subtle. It's usually gradual and is seldom apparent to the person affected. Indeed, it may be evident only after clearer perception is restored. (Contrast such a shift with erectile dysfunction, a very tangible symptom that more and more heavy porn users report since free Internet videos became widely available some five years ago.) It may be that comparing the outlooks of today's users during use with their outlooks a couple of months after porn use stops would reveal more than relying on snapshots in the form of self-reports, i.e., merely asking current users about porn's effects. Here are recent excerpts from the posts of a long-time porn user. After a month without porn, he decided to stream some new porn videos without masturbating and record his impressions.

The third and fourth videos were much like the second: poorly shot and neither of the participants appeared to be engaged in what they were doing. The fourth was a close-up film that most definitely would have excited me in the past, but for some reason appeared today to be more like a cooking show in which the chef was preparing some kind of meat recipe. The fifth video was the only one that I watched in its entirety—seven minutes. An amateur was filming his girlfriend (I sincerely hope not his wife) just prior to sex. She was protesting about the filming, asking him to turn off the camera, and to not zoom in on her genitalia, but he insisted on doing both. He then left the camera on a surface to film (against her instructions) while they fucked. The non-consensual aspect of their interaction troubled me deeply, but I must admit that I have viewed this kind of material before and totally ignored that. Anyway, at first both appeared to be enjoying it. Then, the guy initiated anal sex, but it was essentially rape. The woman protested quite clearly. The guy did not listen to her pleading, and did not appear to change his pace/lubrication in response to her protests. Soon, the woman appeared to retreat inside herself, not saying anything but occasionally gasping (in pain, it was clear), apparently working very hard to endure. When the guy finally finished, the woman sighed with more relief than I thought possible, and began whimpering quietly. I am fully aware that there are anal-pain fetish videos, and have (regrettably) seen many, so I am confident that this was genuine pain. I know that I would have had an orgasm to this video if I had been masturbating, and I also know that I would have selectively ignored all of the disturbing consensual problems, perhaps even internalizing or normalizing them.

He shut that browser and captured his thoughts:

I now realize that much of the pornography I've been watching is either not really exciting or basically exploitation. My attitude is changing. In the past, I have typically fast-forwarded past any vaginal sex or emotionally positive interactions to the anal bits. Also, in the past, I have often felt strong resentment toward my wife for her unwillingness to emulate porn, but today I feel remorse at how I have treated her, and gratitude that she still seems to unconditionally love me. Well, not unconditionally, but rather unselfishly.

A week later he reflected further on his experience:

Until recently, I believed that I could never get enough sex, and that I was unlucky because I married a woman who prefers sex not more than once every other day and does not accommodate indiscriminate penetration of every orifice. But then I successfully got through 31 days without watching pornography, masturbating only minimally, genuinely trying to appreciate my wife for her sexuality on its own terms, and actively suppressing the fantasy/obsessive urges that have progressively insinuated themselves on my personality over the last decade. Following this experimental reduction of my 'sexual expression,' it has become evident that the emphasis our culture places on sexual activity, or more accurately, the emphasis on sexual activity that I was 'free' to develop as a member of our culture, has been detrimental to my emotional development, to my marriage, to my fundamental attitude toward women as a category, and has restricted my breadth of experience. I have not yet calculated the amount of time I devoted to masturbating, pornography, fantasy, projecting sexual dissatisfaction as dissatisfaction with life, etc., but I have probably lost years. I'm not yet free from sexual compulsion, but I truly feel, for the first time in probably 16 years, that my life still has the potential to offer deep, meaningful experience without also including a hyperactive sexual component. This vision of freedom from compulsion is completely novel. The fantasies and the basic dissatisfaction with my sex life have not returned with any of their usual force. My perception of my wife is changing, too. She looks increasingly attractive. That can only be a positive development!

Read more perception shifts recorded by past users. Also see Lance Tracy's Adult Entertainment: Disrobing an American Idol, a clever, humorous documentary about an experiment that revealed the same phenomenon. How can viewing porn change perception? Probably by desensitizing the reward circuitry in the limbic brain. This primitive region of the brain colors how we see the world. When it's in balance we tend to see things with greater clarity and optimism. When it's out of balance our impressions are often distorted. Pharmaceuticals, stress and over-stimulation can alter our perception. When this occurs, our focus, priorities and even our values can shift—all without our awareness. In the case of too much stimulation, the shift is in the direction of overvaluing superstimuli. As biologist Robert Sapolsky explained in Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers: Porn addiction can make life seem boringUnnaturally strong explosions of synthetic experience and sensation and pleasure evoke unnaturally strong degrees of habituation. This has two consequences. As the first, soon we hardly notice anymore the fleeting whispers of pleasure caused by leaves in autumn, or by the lingering glance of the right person, or by the promise of reward that will come after a long, difficult, and worthy task. The other consequence is that, after awhile, we even habituate to those artificial deluges of intensity. ... Our tragedy is that we just become hungrier. Thanks to the way our brains work, chronic over-stimulation fails to satisfy; it can leave a person nearly insatiable. Someone may find himself wondering automatically about every woman, "Would she engage in...?" Also, any resentment that arises from the mismatch between his virtual reality and his physical reality may raise doubts about his partner/union, making him uncharacteristically irritable and self-absorbed. He'll focus on what his relationship doesn't offer, not on what it does. Nor does dissatisfaction necessarily stop there. Humans tend to project such feelings automatically onto other aspects of life as well. Existential angst anyone? Sadly, distorted perception born of neurochemical dysregulation can make a person extremely resistant to understanding what's really driving him or what would ease his misery. His limbic brain has him firmly convinced that only his drug of choice will restore his good feelings. It can take an uncomfortable month or two to restore normal perception after habitual overstimulation. But as ravenous feelings ease, it's easier to find satisfaction in every aspect of life.

Day 13 - A Day of Urges and Hot youtube surfing

Today was a good day I was surfing "hot" things on YouTube when I felt horny. Ive been kind of horny all day thinking about masturbating....I haven't done it yet but its been in my head practically all day. I also notice I want a girlfriend badly but unfortunately all of these regular looking girls at my school wwon't work I've always been very particualar about the type of girls I date I like a certain type because I can always tell how good of a relationship we'll have. I also want to have some sexual experiences with real girls or a real girl. I'm 14 I've never really done anything sexual with a girl besides kissing and touching. But hey who knows could just be the hormones talking.
Urges 9/10
Mood 10/10
HOCD nonexistent

Sounds pretty normal

Just know that orgasm itself can set off some ripples. So be ready if you climax. For more:

What is the "chaser"?

"Chaser" is the term often used to describe intense cravings that follow orgasm. They likely arise from neurochemical changes naturally triggered by climax. Men often report that the chaser eases over time as the brain finds a new balance during rebooting.

For more, read Do You Need a Chaser After Sex? For a thorough discussion of neurochemical events related to ejaculation see Men: Does Frequent Ejaculation Cause A Hangover? The "chaser effect" has not been formally studied yet, but it's quite common.

Here are typical sef-reports with evidence of a "chaser":

  • At the end of the 7 day mark, I could clearly tell significant changes! My concentration was clearer, my self-confidence was considerably higher, and my productivity had far improved. I was in "La La Land" in all respects. In fact, I have come to enjoy the "mental buzz" of NoFap a whole lot more than the "bliss" of orgasm via fapping. Out of sheer curiosity, I choose to relapse out of my own accord and see whether these new "superpowers" of sorts would diminish or not. I loaded an array of porn websites and completed the deed in my usual fashion. Within seconds after cumming, the phase shift in mental acuity that I felt was simply astounding. It felt as though a fresh layer of fog had been draped over my mind. Almost immediately, I felt an overwhelming sense of apprehension, uneasiness, and dissatisfaction. After my experimental relapse, I tried to return back to my homework and found that it was nearly impossible to stay on task. I suddenly felt the urge to fap again, browse Imgur, check Facebook, clean my apartment, do the dishes, and basically every action except finishing the studies at hand. I went to my college campus later in the day to meet up with some friends and my sense of confidence had also stooped considerably. I was significantly more hesitant to converse with other girls. In fact, projecting my usual upbeat attitude required a concerted effort that made me feel uncomfortable in my own skin. self-report
  • Then we head to bed. I start tearing clothes off and I'M HARD STRAIGHT AWAY (woohoo!) We have sex for about 2 and a half hours, which HAS to be a record for me by a long shot. She is really freaky, but really open and honest. I don't orgasm until the end (I must admit that is probably due to not being fully rebooted), however I have such an intense orgasm which is purely based on sensation and the moment. It was SUCH a great experience. Especially because the last girl I brought home (pre nofap) was so upset when I couldn't get it up and she left in a hurry. Not a great experience! self-reportAnyway, I have experience the dreaded chaser effect. I'm so horny the next morning I jerk off when she is in the shower. Also, my brain must have released so much dopamine that evening that I'm really depressed the next day. I masturbate quite a few times (no porn despite massive temptation, and I just think of the experience and the sensation). I've reset my counter (it's all about hard mode right?!) but I'll keep a seperate counter for myself. It's good learning for the future. I've kept my hands off it today!
  • Being that we just made the sweet loves last night, my wife decided to tip toe down the hall, and see what I was looking at this morning. (She knows about the chaser effect. She checked my windows: Facebook, angry Birds/ Reddit No fap/ Golf instructor for my daughter. So I did as any No Fap warrior would do. I showed her exactly what the chaser effect really is! And I chased her into the bedroom, And showed her I only chase her affections now! GO ME GO ME GO ME! And now Im late leaving for work...Worth it!
  • I now call it the Chase~her effect because she makes me want her over and over. I chase her around all day, lol

More self-reports can be found in Do You Need a Chaser After Sex?

Day 14

Feeling really tired today head kind of hurts also when u get home might just go to sleep. That being said I didn't have a good day at school really because I was so tired.Saw a second of a porn scene last night I turned on my TV and my channel was on max and it was late at night like 12 a.m. and as soon as the TV turned on it was a straight porn scene I couldn't find my remote so I went into the other room and turned it off. The scene was arousing though its been on the back of my mind all day I was planning on masturbating tonight to. But I haven'tdone so just because iI don't like the feel I get after I climax. So that's it for now might update later on today
Mood 6/10
Urges 8/10

It's normal for a

surge like that (from an activated sensitized brain pathway) to leave ripples for a couple of days, making you temporarily feel "off." You'e right to just power through it.

Day 15 & 16

DAY 15
Urges urges urges that little porn clip I saw on tv of straight porn must've set something off in my brain because I really want to masturbate to the short scene I saw. I have always fancied the girl in porn and have always gotten exyrememly aroused by the amount of pleasure she was receiving.So the urges have been pretty bad I trynot to think about it but it kkeeps popping up! I do get aroused to it but its a different type of arousal the erection feels "fake" or "forced' definitely not the type of arousal I would've gotten if I saw this scene a year ago.Marnia can you explain what this is I've read a lot but I don't understand all of the scientific terms. I believe this is a numbed pleasure response? I pmo'd to it so much that my reward circuitry got numb due to hyper stimulating porn thus this being the reason I only get got really aroused by gay stuff? I think I'm on the right track with that one but I could be wrong.
Urges 9/10
Mood 8/10

Day 16
Had a good day at school today although when I got out of school and was kind of just looking around I started to just feel "nothing".Life doesn't have its beauty and everything just doesn't feel normal. Ive had this feeling before in my first reboot and its absolutely horrible it made me want to commit suicide at times.So that's all for now haven't meditated in a while I should get back into that also haven't exercised in months since quitting the Track team should pick back up on that as well. I'll update later today.

There will just be days like that

anytime the brain is rebalancing. So pay them no mind and go listen to your favorite music and then do something productive, however small. Excercise is good too.

I'm not sure I understand your question, but your brain wires up cues it happens to associate with sexual arousal. Ideally, these would be cues connected with real partners.  But today, it's really easy to wire up cues connected with screen action. As your brain switches over to real potential partners it still has those old associations. If something "rings your old chimes" your erection may respond, but eventually if you stay off the synthetic stuff, your brain will find it weird that you ever found screen stuff that arousing. I hear it all the time. And it really doesn't matter what you were looking at.

If you need a smile, read this guy's story:

Greetings to everyone. I'll start off by giving some background information about myself and I'll give some hopefully helpful insight in future blog entries.

As a child I was highly athletic, smart, and sociable. I was always happy and had a million friends. That all changed around age 11 when I got internet access and quickly became familiarized with nearly every image on slutpost.com. Soon after that I downloaded KaZaA and progressed to nearly every type of heinous porn imaginable (shemale, gay, dominatrix, animal, amputee, etc.). I started having severe depression and anxiety as a result. A psychologist prescribed me Lexapro and Zoloft which I only ended up taking for a few weeks because I hated the idea of taking medication. The next 15 years of my life were completely miserable. I was incredibly anti-social. I didn't talk to anybody and sat alone at lunch at school. I hated everyone. I quit all the sports that I played even though I was top tier in all of them. My grades plummeted to barely passable. As much as I hate to think about it now, I had even started thinking about planning my own 'Columbine style' exit to this world, so to speak. To sum things up, I was a complete wanker. I am truly surprised to this day that I made it through high school. I am not unattractive in even the slightest and had had women around me who tried to talk to me but I could barely even look them in the eyes. The few times that any situation would progress sexually I came up with a limp dick. The result was complete shame and embarrassment which led me to believe I was gay and a complete loser (which I was). I contemplated suicide for a long time but just couldn’t do it for fear of the pain that it would cause my parents. And I’m happy I didn’t.

In my early twenties I knew in the back of my mind that porn was what was inhibiting my life. There was nothing that I could do about it however, because I had an addiction of the highest caliber. I still lived at home with my parents and didn’t work or do anything for that matter. I was the equivalent of a retarded child so to speak. I’d spend anywhere from 4-6 hours a day scouring the tube sites and masturbating profusely to the most explicit gay and shemale videos I could find. It wasn’t until last year when I came across YBOP that I swallowed up every piece of information I could on this website and just said “Fuck it.” I took my Toshiba laptop and smashed the hell out of it on my parents driveway and then beat the remains with a baseball bat. That moment was without a doubt the biggest turning point in my life. I knew that the withdrawal period would be absolute hell, but that I would just have to weather the storm and power through it. And I did just that. The first week I had the worst type of insomnia imaginable. I don’t remember falling asleep at all the first 6 days. In my mind, it made Hell Week of Navy SEAL training look easy. But during the weeks that followed, things started turning around a bit but really became noticeable after about 3 months. I actually started getting energy to do things.

I progressed to enrolling into a university and doing very well (4.0 GPA so far), landing a managerial position at a local small business, taking up a number of different sports (SCUBA diving, weight lifting, biking, MMA), and having successful sex with 2 different women. I even saved up a decent chunk of money for a down payment on a house that I purchased last month and finally moved out of my parent’s house at the ripe old age of 27. The amount of energy I have is unbelievable and I’ve never been more motivated than I am now. My future goal is to meet a nice girl whom I can practice karezza with and has similar interests. I’ll give some thoughts in the future. My goal here is to give a bit of insight so that it makes the rebooting process easier for you. I want to see all of you turn your life around.

"We can do anything we like as long as it is UNIMPORTANT." - Theodore Kaczynski

My question was

The reason I wasn't able to get aroused by lesbian and straight porn anymore was because my pleasure response was numb because of hyper stimulation?

Exactly

When you move to something novel, it releases more dopamine. And some people's brains just make the leap and go, "Oh, this must be what we're after because we're getting more of a buzz from this." And so it wires up the new stuff, such that you can get off to it more easily than the earlier stuff.

But if you quit all porn, the process mysteriously reverses itself...once your brain gives up on whatever hot new stuff it had wired to.

You can see this story over and over. Here's a PDF where I collected a lot of teen stories: TEENS (Some are by adults describing their teen experiences.)

Day 17

Wow this is going by fast! I mean I'll be at Day 20 soon then soon after I'll be at day 40 and so on and so on.But last night I believe that I had 2 orgasms inside of a wet dream which is a good thing because of helped ease the tension down there so now I'm not craving to masturbate as much.But today has been a pretty good day in general. I csmt wait till my brain is back to normal so I don't have to deal with this anymore. I'll just have to be patient.

Thanks Marnia :-) Day 18-21

Day 18
Really bad pressure on the back of my head like a headache very draining feeling I came home and went straight to sleep.Woke up feeling a lot better.
Day 19.
Very good day went out hung with friends and literally laugh my head off with a friend for over 2 hours
Day 20
Another good day decided to not post for a few days because I just wanted to not think about it and just live my life for a bit.I also notice certain songs or videos bring back depressing memories of my first reboot and how horrible I felt I use this as a drive for the reboot and I never want to feel that way again.
Day 21
I have a really good porn blocker but setimes I'll try to look up pictures of porn stars for a couple of mins to get erect and horny then I'll turn it off. I definetly need to stop this and just give it all a break for this reboot.

Good call

A great way to deal with internet addictions of any kind is to stay off the friggin' internet. Wink

yeah, don't play with fire. Who wants to get burned? You'll soon be having plenty of erections without needing porn. You guys are unstoppable when you're healed. Wink

Day 22-Temptation & Semen Leakage?

Temptation really bad temptation to watch this 6 second porn clip I saw. I eventually did but I turned it off quickly and went and exercised and boxed for 2 hours. Onto the semen leakage I'm not sure I've been noticing this for awhile now when I use the restroom and ya know "shake" and usually it will be these drops that like kind of spill out down there I don't think its urine but I'm not sure if its leakage either :/.All in all a very good day just bad urges.

Day 23

Nothing really to update on after reading that semen leakage link it has turned me completely off to the idea of masturbating.(I was able to read the link Marnia).I'm already starting to feel like my old self again :-).Ya know this addiction is extremely difficult just when you think you have it under control you start saying "just one video it won't hurt". If I could erase the day I found out how to masturbate and watch porn I would in a heartbeat.

It's really the porn

that is causing the most chaos. But sometimes you have to give the masturbation a rest for a while at first too. When you're ready, you can try adding back in masturbation...if you can avoid porn and porn fantasy, and just concentrate on the physical, sensual experience and normal (intercourse-like) pressure. That's better training for real sex than porn's voyeur angle.

Glad you can see the links now. Here's another one: Are there any guidelines for healthy masturbation? | Your Brain On Porn

Day 24

Feeling under the weather soreness from working out and boxing + a sore throat to top things off.And Marnia I know its the porn but then I didn't and I know how tied together my masturbation and porn use was. And now 2 years later it has led to me to be sexually confused to the point if I don't know what I'm attracted to and has twisted life into a feeling of depression and suicidal thoughts. Things I thought I would never ever experience in life I've always been very happy with myself and life and to think just watching porn caused all this is a real bummer.Im a freshman in highschool and life has been sucking .Are there any pictures of what happens after a porn addiction reboots his/her brain?
Update
Feeling a lot better played scrabble with the fam and beat my grandad twice in a row so that was cool. And Marnia I can't get on YBOP when I followed the link Qustodio blocked it but I had to backspace the tab a lot and then I was able to read the link but I'm still not able to get on YBOP without Qustodio blocking it they sure are taking a long time to have it unblocked so I can access it again.

You'll be fine

It's just like waking up from a bad dream. It just takes a little longer. Soon you won't even remember any of this.

Now that you can go on www.yourbrainonporn.com check out the "rebooting" reports on this page (scroll down). You can read hundreds of guys who rebooted, many of whom went through this same confusion.Rebooting Accounts

And I can find you more, too, on this page: I'm straight, but attracted to transexual or gay porn. What's up? | Your Brain On Porn

 

Sorry,

I thought you were able to follow a YBOP link a few days ago.

They warned that it might take a while. Guess they meant it. Sad

Did you find the link helpful?

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