My Struggle With Withdrawal

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Submitted by Chris Jay on
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Hello Everyone I want to say this is my first time posting here but I've been lurking for quite awhile.
My Story
Im going to try to not make it as lengthy as it could be.
I've had plenty of girlfriends throughout my life ever since elementary.People have always teased me called me gay because they say I soundgay or talk gay or look gay etc. This is something that has always bothered me even though its less frequent now it still bothers me its extremely annoying. I always wish iI didn't look gay etc. I hate when random people walk up to me and ask me "are you gay?".I absolutely hate it besides that. Since I was never interested in sports all of the "manly" things. I guess this has something to do for me watching gay porn? I'm not sure but anyways by middle school life was great I was getting older, had lots of friends had a girlfriend in the 7th grade who I really loved deeply. My grades were good my life was great I LOVED LIFE.Now I tend to hate it and think about suicide sometimes which is crazy now. I always wanted to learn how to masturbate and when I finally did by the age of 12 that's when it all started. I had a Nintendo DSI at the time and when I wanted to masturbate I would type in the type of porn I wanted for that day and masturbate to pictures. They would slip between straight,lesbian and gay.If I wanted to masturbate sometimes I would use pure imagination I would create whatever fantasy I wanted and MO to it.once I got an ipod though I could watch internet porn and this let me watch those 3 types of porn again. They all equally turned me on the Gay porn never really bothered me honestly until this year. So the PMOing every day went on for 2 years from when I was 12 to know (yes I'm only 14). One day I came home from school for my usual PMO session and my mind was just telling me to watch Gay Porn. So I thought okay I'll do that. The next day the same thing happened it was saying "watch it" so this went on for awhile probably days or a few weeks and I was only watching Gay Porn. Then one day I thought "hey I should watch Lesbian today" so I went into the lesbian category played the video and boom no erection<- This moment absolutely started my depression. I was freaked out like why isn't it turning me on? Am I turning gay? Etc. So basically I kept on trying to get turned on by lesbian porn again but I couldn't unless I imagined two dudes in the scene it was something that made me confused and depressed. I continued to PMO to gay porn because it was the only thing that would get me off. This made me feel utterly disgusted with myself I remember after a PMO session I looked at my reflection and just turned away in disgust thoughts like "how could i have another girlfriend if only gay things turn me on?" "I must be gay" . This PMO went on for months and months i would feel bad always after doing it. I felt as if I lost all attraction to real life girls I didn't want to date anyone talk to anyone flirt with anyone except for my ex who I still had feelings for. I would try to makey feelings for her proof that I wasn't gay. I however don't think this was HOCD though. I am currently on the 61st day of my current reboot the withdrawals have been HELL bipolar disorder like symptoms daily, anxiety about being gay when my brain is rebalances etc. Although i am on my 61st day i havent been clean the whole way. I was 100% clean till Day 41 i relapsed to lesbian porn i was excited because it turned me on again so i PMOed. I relapsed probably 11 times from day 40 to Day 57 i am currently 4 days clean. I have/havent had any libido this entire reboot the only improvements i notice is that i dont have bipolar like symptoms which is great and all but i need some libido i WANT TO BE MYSELF AGAIN. So should i start all over or should i just keep going i highly doubt ill be cured by day 90. I dont want to stay like this forever please help.

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Yes

I also discovered I don't have semen leakage I was just assuming i had it which is not the case and that's a huge relief

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