Reboot: Road to Day 90 Day 38

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Submitted by Chris Jay on
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Haven't been on here in 5 days and I am starting to see changes now. Things are starting to turn back to normal I'm starting to feel like my old self again at least partially I'm no longer depressed or fighting anxiety and life isn't as grey anymore either. However my porn tastes have been all over the place lately from lesbian to gay to straight they've just been bouncing off the walls lately.Which has lead me close to relapse last night I had a real craving for lesbian no I didn't look up any porn but lead me to look up "hot", material on YouTube. I was so turned on that I actually tried masturbating. I didn't masturbate to the content actually I started and just tried to feel the sensations and they felt really good but after a couple mins of stroking I decided to stop because I didn't know how'd I feel after I orgasmed and I'd rather hold off till later for that. Which leads me to today where I was dangerously close to relapsing by actually going on to the site and actually clicking a video. It took the strength of god himself for me not to look at that video I turned the audio all the way off and never looked at the video and quickly exited off all using willpower. This is dangerous behavior that lead me to my binge in my first reboot have to stop this. But I am proud of myself that I didn't relapse even though the addict in me wanted to grab his "meds". So I didn't watch porn I didn't orgasm I just stroked myself for a while to see how it felt.

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It's weird how

as soon as you feel "safe" and can see the light at the end of the tunnel...your brain will use it as an excuse to watch porn again. I've heard that many times.

I think it happens because our grasp of how risky internet porn is for some brains is very poor as a society. It's so new, and there are so many unfounded reassuring messages out there about how porn is just the same as it was when it was drawn on cave walls. (Really? Why aren't we all gazing at graphitti then??) Also, there's so little research...because who can ask kids to watch porn for years (and keep a control group FROM watching it for years) and then compare the results? So no one really knows the true effects - except guys on recovery forums. Biggrin

Anyway, the combination makes it easy to do something impulsive in the moment.

For now, if you are going to masturbate, never, ever do it with internet porn. (And don't watch it and then masturbate!). If you're horny and you feel you must release...and you're not willing to wait for a wet dream...then get out your lube...not your laptop...and go to it. Guess what? If you don't feel like masturbating without porn...you don't really need the release after all.Fool

Remember, more guys have trouble unhooking from internet porn than from masturbation (even temporarily). This is because it's today's porn that is overloading their circuits...which means it risks quickly causing them to seek for hotter, more shocking material.

Do you have a list of things you will do when The Urge comes up? Make one.

And be very vigilant for the next few days. When you get close to the edge like that, you may feel heightened cravings for several days even if you succeeded in wrestling that first urge to the ground. They will ease...soon.

You don't want to backslide now. This is your chance to claw your way out of this HOCD mess for good. Stay busy on other things. Give yourself little rewards that don't involve looking at arousing material.

Can you see this link yet? What stimuli must I avoid during my reboot (did I relapse)? | Your Brain On Porn If you can't, I'll copy it here for you.

I agree 100%

I notice that also every time I feel good I feel like porn is fine and its made to turn me on a bunch of other people do it too so then its all fine and dandy.I read the link already before. I absolutely don't want to go back to PMO I've worked to hard been through too much stress,anxiety and depression to get here and now that I'm here I only want to get better and better. Until my brains fully rebooted. Summer will be here soon and I'm looking forward to making this year way better then the last one.:So I'll stay away from these cues and wait till I actually have the desire to masturbate.

I think that's probably a good call for now

but I'm a firm believer that no one should tell someone else how to run his sex life...even me. Wink It's your body and your life and your laboratory. That said, in your situation it is better to masturbate a bit "too late" than "too early." Smile

Now, a new forum just came online last night. I'm not chasing you off of this one. I've enjoyed our exchanges and you're welcome to hang around. However, it can be fun to be in at the groundfloor of a new project, and you've learned a lot that you could share with others. Your issue is becoming increasingly common, and it saddens me that  young guys are struggling with something so devastating without much guidance available anywhere. There is a "Teen" forum too there.

Somehow, when you teach what you've learned, it helps you integrate it better. So if you're interested, here's the link: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php See what you think. You could post here and there, of course, if you like.

Thanks will check into that

Well today went very good I can see my perception changing a lot about life and today I can honestly say I was genuinely happy for the first time in a very long time.However I did view bits and pieces of more arousing material it really gave me that rush and really released a lot of dopamaine.Which really led me to think about masturbating so I tried it. I started tried not to think of the material but it was there for awhile before it left my brain I tried a different technique from when I use to masturbate on a reg.It worked well and felt very good then I orgasmed I didn't fantasize at all during this time I was actually trying to imagine having a girl do this to me but i dk if that counts as fantasy.I don't really now how to feel now. Which is why I contemplated MO this whole time. Because I don't feel "clean" after I O I usually just feel kinda "off" for awhile then I go back to normal.Makes me feel like I relapsed in a way.This is what I'm talking about I every time I feel like my old self what I've been fighting for I masturbate or PMO. I think that's my weakness.

Sorry to hear that. (hug)

Don't give up -- just keep walking on the journey and you'll get there.
You're learning every day, even (or especially!) through failures.

Do you have any "lessons learned" from this week of your experience?

Also, Marnia had asked, Do you have a list of things you will do when The Urge comes up?

Well, it was a test

and you found out you're not ready yet. That's useful information.

Avoid bingeing. It won't help. Did you say that you can read YBOP links now? If so: I relapsed or am in danger of relapse.

Also, part of the reason you feel down after ejaculation is that it's a big neurochemical event. It's never too early to learn more about this. Can you read these links?

Rethinking the Wonders of Adult Masturbation | Your Brain On Porn

Men: Does Frequent Ejaculation Cause A Hangover? | Your Brain On Porn

Just know that most guys report that those down feelings decrease as the brain comes back into balance. Still, it's good to be aware that they can happen...and that they pass.

Fantasy

Fantasy about vanilla activities, such as girls you know and affectionate exchange don't seem to cause problems and may even help you rewire. Porn-based fantasies and unrealistic acts that cause that synthetic "heat" do not help because they can leave you less satisfied than ever.

Some guys say masturbation to sensation only is worth striving for, as that's the best prep for real sex. You don't want to be running a movie in your head during sex. It's distracting.Wacko

I srill cant read the links freely

Without having to backspace a million times to get there I think I should email Qustodio again to remind them because that was in January. And feeling better today so I'm going to carry on and avoid these cues as best as I can since I know how it made me feel yesterday it was a big wake up call of where I was and how far I've come and I don't want to screw it up Smile . I can't tell you how happy I am that i found YBR and this site here its been a real blessing!