Rebooting:Road to Day 90

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Day 24
pretty good day overall nothing really to update about.
Day 25
Had a wet dream last night of me watching lesbian porn which felt unbelievably real. I thought I had relapsed inside of my dream but I didn't it was just a dream. Right now I'm in the car and just looking at the scenary and km noticing I don't feel anything like I just don't know how to feel at the moment I'm not depressed but I'm not happy either just kind of blank.I know this is normal in the rebooting process and it will soon pass.I'll update later on today.

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Update

Feeling pretty good feeling pretty normal I went to D&B and have been there for hours having a lot of fun.I'm in a really good state of mind right now but I know I'm not fully cured but I'm getting there once my brain is rebooted to real human beings again I'll be sure about my sexuality those doubts will clear up and I'll feel like Chris again.

Day 26

Its kind of hard to describe today actually. Like it was a good day and all but I just kept getting episodes like "if you never started pmoing you would've never had to go through all this" like I was having a convo eith y grandadand he was talking to me about life eexperiences and women and stuff and I kept thinking "he was never able to access internet porn that's why he's not going through these things". And he was pike if you have any problems you can tell me because I can help solve them and I thought about this whole thing.I just want to forget all of this even happened. Its like Ik trying to find myself again at times throughout the day. I'm not noticing major effects from abstaining like others do in a months time I didn't see major effects in my whole 41 days of abstinence of my first reboot. Something in my is telling me that rebooting isn't going to help me and by Day 90 I still won't be myself again. And there's the other side that's saying that I shouldn't vompare myself to others and to believe that this thing will work for me and that day 90 I should feel differently.

You're actually doing great

And if a porn detour is the biggest mistake you make before age 25 (physiological adulthood), you'll be doing better than most folks. You may even look back at this chapter as one of the more valuable lessons in your life instead of regretting it forever as you seem to be trying to do just now. Biggrin

In other words, just detach and observe, and stop trying to evaluate the whole experience. Time for that later. Just keep going.

Second that!

You're doing great. There's no point regretting or analyzing. Feelings and thoughts change like the weather, but you know deep down that you're on the right path!

Day 27-Thanks for the encouragement Marnia and undying

Its very helpful at times when I feel very lost and out of place with life.When I was at lunch today I decided to write down in a notebook exactly how I was feeling this is what it says "Feeling pretty weird and out of place today when I was on PMO everyday I was still shocked and confused of why I wasnt able to get hard to straight porn anymore and I was still feeling iscolated about dating because of this it was like I was paralyzed about doing it and about getting another girlfriend.But I didn't feel this bad man everything I look at and see is literally depressing I look at other people and am completely jealous of there happiness because that's how I use to be. Which makes me feel that P is the answer to my problems cause when I'm using p I don't feel nearly as bad as I do without it when I use P I strangely feel comfortable in my sexuality and life doesn't seem so grey.But when I'm off I'm unsure of my sexualitt I feel weird everything is depressing and I want to commit suicide.The reboot should be the solution but now I'm starting to doubt this thing will cure me.I've seen small improvements but nothing major at all I don't even know what I'm sexually attracted to shore because IRL I look at girls I feel nothing I look at guys I feel nothing unless some gay porn flashback comes I'm my mind.So there's a lot of un answered questions.I'm going to finish this reboot if it takes everything in me because I don't know how much longer I can take this." So that's basically my blog for today thats how I have been feeling today mostly.I surely hope I can look back on this as a lesson learned.

Here's a new article on this subject

One of the more sensible ones I've seen, although Drescher adds to the confusion when he mentions "watching gay porn" - as many SOOCD folk fell into their worries from escalating to porn of the opposite orientation.  The main dude got it right.


http://abcnews.go.com/Health/homosexual-ocd-straight-men-fear-gay/story?id=22589452&singlePage=true

Homosexual OCD: Straight Men Who Fear They Are Gay Obsessive Thoughts Not
Rooted in Homophobia: Expert By SUSAN DONALDSON JAMES

*Feb. 24, 2014--*

 Steven Brodsky, a psychologist who specializes in obsessive-compulsive
disorder, says that at any one time he has a "handful" of clients who are
straight and fear that they are gay.

Brodsky, who is the clinical director of his OCD and Panic Center of N.Y.
and N.J. <http://www.ocdhotline.com/>, said he had one adult patient who
was so crippled by obsessive thoughts about being gay that he was unable to
live independently and had to move back in with his parents to cope.
Brodsky said he determined his patient had OCD associated with
homosexuality.

"He had a classic case," said Brodsky. "He had some sort of feeling that he
was attracted to other guys."

This patient was straight, according to Brodsky, but he had intrusive
thoughts that were not based on any hard reality in his behavior.

Brodsky said a previous therapist had misdiagnosed his patient as gay, and
at the patient's request, sent him off to reparative
therapy<http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/the-lies-and-dangers-of-reparative-therapy>

,
a controversial method that has not been proven to be effective and can be
harmful.

"I have many gay clients and phobia is my business," he said. "I treat them
like any client looking for help, and derive great enjoyment in working
with them and all my clients."

But, he says health professionals need a better understanding of OCD so
patients receive proper treatment for a mental obsession, rather than
counseling for a sexual orientation crisis that he says has nothing to do
with mental illness.

This type of OCD falls under the category of sexual obsessions, according
to Jeff Szymansky, a clinical psychologist and executive director of
the International
OCD Foundation.<http://abcnews.go.com/Health/homosexual-ocd-straight-men-fear-gay/.%0Ahttp://www.ocfoundation.org/>

"I have treated this many times," he said. "It's pathological - even though
I know that I am 100 percent straight, not gay, I am second guessing it. I
think, wait a minute I spent too much time looking at that guy in the
locker room. I need to know - I need to be sure. They get lost in this
stuff."

Szymansky said that in 90 percent of the cases he has treated, the patient
is clearly straight. Occasionally, a person learns they are gay. "I say,
oh, that's interesting, how do you feel about being gay and what can we do
about that?'

He said the obsession is "absolutely common in the OCD world."

"If you contact a general therapist and tell them about something like this
- or a person who is afraid they are swearing at God, they would say, 'That
sounds weird.' But we specialists see it all the time."

Brodsky argues that today's open acceptance of homosexuality and gay
lifestyles can blind therapists to this kind of anxiety disorder in
straight men. Therapists can jump to a quick, but erroneous, conclusion
that a patient is seeking a way out of the closet and help him "get out
there and try it out."

Dr. Jack Drescher <http://www.jackdreschermd.net/>, a noted New York City
psychiatrist who is considered an expert in gay and lesbian mental health
and treats patients for OCD, agreed that "being worried that one might be
gay is not the same thing as being gay."

"A person with OCD who has is having intrusive thoughts about whether or
not he is gay, is not gay, in the sense that he has not incorporated a
homosexual orientation in any minimally affirming way into his identity,"
said Drescher. "Also, if he is not actually attracted to people of the same
sex, does not masturbate to fantasies of people of the same sex, is not
really aroused by same sex pornography, then it is hard to make the case
that he has a homosexual orientation."

Drescher has treated patients with other obsessive sexual thoughts. "One
patient was obsessed about being a pedophile, even though he had never been
aroused by children. Another was heterosexual and feared he had HIV.

He agreed with Brodsky that some therapists may miss an OCD diagnosis, but
"the most likely cause of that is not that they are too gay-affirming but
that they lack training in recognizing the symptoms of OCD."

OCD is an anxiety
disorder<http://www.psychiatry.org/obsessive-compulsive-disorder>in
which people have recurring and unwanted thoughts and ideas
(obsessions)
that make them feel guilty or driven to do something repetitively
(compulsions), affecting 2.2 million people nationally, according to the
American Psychiatric Association. Typical obsessions include concerns about
germs, harm or forbidden sexual or religious thoughts.

Brodsky said that a gay person has "pleasant association" with same-sex
attraction and a person with OCD does not.

"A person with OCD "can't stop thinking about it and performs compulsions
to lay the thought at rest," he said. "Repeatedly, anxiously, reviewing
past situations, testing themselves, asking for reassurance, compulsively
researching the Internet for gay tests, testing themselves with gay porn or
gay people.

"They know they're not attracted to the same sex and are to the opposite
sex, but are consumed all day long with this battle," said Brodsky. "They
can think of nothing else. A gay person doesn't go through this battle."

 Ross Murray, a spokesman for the LGBT advocacy group
GLAAD<http://www.glaad.org/>,
said he had never heard of this type of OCD, but that Brodsky made sense.

"It sounds exactly like a phobia or fear of snakes," he said. "I can't
think of anyone who has that sort of obsessional focus on their own sexual
orientation."

"Someone who is gay, but in the closet, is not spending time researching
and testing themselves," he said. "They know deep down that is a part of
them. Gay people are not looking for any kind of external validation."

Having an obsession about being gay is no different from any other mental
obsession, said Brodsky.

"Something they have read or heard initially triggers it," said Brodsky. "A
friend might say something and they think, 'Gee, I could be gay or I am
doing something a gay person would do."

They might even get subtle body sensations, being aroused by another man.
"Certainly that does not make them gay," he said. "It takes almost nothing
to arouse a man."

These obsessive thoughts are not rooted in homophobia, according to
Brodsky. "That - and even sex - has nothing to do with it," he said. "Maybe
they were abused as a kid or heard 'gay' as a taunt. There are other issues
in their lives preventing them from having loving, committed
relationships."

As for treatment, Brodsky said he would help a patient who was truly gay
validate their feelings and attain self-acceptance, "achieving calm and
peace of mind."

"This is the opposite of the method of OCD treatment which uses exposure
therapy, which tries to actually trigger anxiety and face fears," he said.
"Exposure has nothing to with the truth, attaining clarity or
self-knowledge ... It is very simple, you face your fears and doubts enough
times, not reassure yourself, and you physiologically become less bothered
by it."

These patients can be successfully treated in the same way other forms of
OCD are treated, according to Brodsky. "It's easy and it's effective."

Drescher said that medications are also highly effective, especially in
tandem with behavioral therapy.

Determining the cause of the obsession is "never black and white,"
according to Brodsky. "And you have to look at the entire track record of
their behavior... There is a clear difference between OCD and a person who
is really attracted to the same sex."

Copyright (c) 2014 ABC News Internet Ventures

Comments on this article

- which at least increases awareness of the problem.

Comments about this article - Correcting Drescher's misleading remark

Sexual-orientation OCD is not that uncommon, and it goes both ways among today's internet porn users. That is, we've seen a surprisingly high number of self-reports of gays and lesbians who were equally freaked out by the fact that, over time, they could only get off to, say, straight rape porn. Their normal porn was no longer doing the job.

Many say that during a porn session, after edging for a time, they often go to something "more extreme" to get off. Why? They aren't thinking, and it gives that extra neurochemical hit (from anxiety, shock or surprise) that makes the orgasm stronger. That, inadvertently, causes the brain to begin wiring up an association between whatever caused the "better" climax and the good feelings.

This who process appears to be driven by the fact that some internet porn users' brains becomes so desensitized from chronic overconsumption that they need extra novelty (stimulation). In other words, it's likely a manifestation of tolerance (addiction-related brain changes). We say that because we've heard ex-porn users of all sexual orientations who quit porn report that, gradually, their tastes revert to their pre-internet porn tastes.  See Can You Trust Your Johnson?

The point is that escalating and climaxing to something that doesn't match your underlying sexual orientation is one of the risks of masturbating while surfing the net. It seems to be especially risky for anyone with OCD tendencies because they want to "be certain," so they then end up frantically testing and testing with all kinds of porn, which drives them deeper into their unwanted brain (re)wiring.

In this regard, we have to disagree with Drescher that "watching gay porn means they're gay." That's not necessarily the case if they fell into it during a random search for novelty and then continued to "test." On the other hand, users' tastes at the outset of their porn career  would probably be a good indication of their underlying orientation.

The thing that helps them the most is to stop testing, analyzing and seeking reassurance and, above all, avoid all internet porn for months. Gradually, people figure out who they are. In the interim, some actually need meds because their anxiety during withdrawal is horrendous, and actually gets worse for weeks.

We wish this phenomenon of morphing sexual tastes among younger porn users were better understood among healthcare professionals. The "You are what you masturbate to" rule probably worked fine before internet porn, because viewers didn't routinely surf/escalate to new genres with genitals in hand. Now they do, and our brains are very plastic when it comes to sexual conditioning, especially during adolescence.

This means that A Billion Wicked Thoughts is very misleading when it comes to some porn users. Ogas and Gaddam only followed users for 3 months, so they apparently missed this phenomenon entirely. In any case, their data was gathered largely before this risky type of surfing-while-masturbating (reinforcing arousal to new cues) became commonplace. Thus they concluded, in error, that porn helps people work out who they are sexually.

The actual brain plasticity behind the SOOCD phenomenon, especially when it comes to wiring up sexual associations in adolescent brains, means that the "Use internet porn to find who you really are sexually" advice is  especially treacherous for young porn users. It's more likely they'll find out who they really are sexually months after they quit internet porn...if ever they make the experiment.

Thank you Marnia for that Article-Day 28

Woke up didn't have to go to school today but I did wake up feeling kind of weird on the inside and how life has just turned into something that wasn't enjoyable I played a game on my phone to distract me and I got on the phone with one of my friends to help me feel better. When I do feel good which is usually when it gets dark outside I don't feel so depressed and whatever.So by the end of the night I was feeling actually really good!So today ended on a positive note. I went on YBR and looked at my posts starting from November and realized that I have came along way and that the reboot was working it was just taking longer in my case but gradually it was.

Changing the brain

is a gradual process...for everyone, with the exception of some kinds of trauma, which can create a powerful memory quickly.

Altering an existing brain loop is always a gradual process. That old loop is going to fire now and then. It doesn't work like a chalk board where a wet sponge is all you need. Pleasantry

yes

I see how that works because somtimes I just have unneccessary flashbacks about porn scenes when I look at normal people. And somehow I've miss counted But today is Day 30 actually So 1 month PMO free for me ten more days I'll beat my previous best Smile

Learning to stay

cool while your brain comes into alignment with a new course you've chosen is also a great life skill to have. In other words, this adventure is about more than just the issue that sent you here.