Chris Jay's blog
I should've spoke about this a long time ago but didn't quite know how to word it. We here it goes when I see a girl since the hocd and porn started early last year every time I see a girl my brain pre-judges them with annoying thoughts. Like if I see a cute girl on Instagram for example my brain will just start thinking "oh she looks bitchy" "oh she looks annoying" "oh she's a hoe" "you could never have her" "how are you going to see each other? " "you're not attracted to her anyway' and stuff like this.
Last night I got word that my dog ran away cause my idiot dad left the gate unlocked and he could easily open the gate.My dog got scared because of the fireworks and opened the gate and walked out. I was out all yesterday and my dad went to work I came home finding it weird that my dog wasn't happily greeting me at the door but thought nothing of it. I went upstairs and then my grandparents told me the dog ran away.. "Oh no! He's never ran away before he doesn't know his way back home! Or how to cross a street!".
Here's what been going on lately.
making plenty of friends
cutting off all of the bad influences in my life.
Still off the porn.
Well today I had a science test and it was worth 100 points and I studied hard the night before but for some reason I couldn't memorize why convection currents caused plate tectonics so I writ it down on a sheet and put it in my pocket right before the test.
Had one last night I'm not sure what this means or why it took so long to have one but I'm glad I had one again
Today was a lot better than yesterday little to no porn flashbacks.And I was positive all day and I didn't look at any pictures or triggers today which is great.But how can you tell the difference between porn induced attraction and real attraction? Because sometimes I get sexual thoughts about guys and I only look at some as sexual objects.Which is very confusing and its not just some its almost like every guy unattractive attractive the whole nine
Today was pretty weird was having a lot of flashbacks of porn today at school of scenes that I had watched along time ago just kind of peeling back scene after scene in my brain.At times it makes me want to really act them out which I know is very normal as many reported this same thing.
As some of you know I have been really struggling with staying away from pics of porn and triggers. I have a question about it though when I look at pics I of course get aroused but my head gets this buzzing sensation inside of it that I've never experienced even before I escalated to gay porn. Its like a hot buzzing sensation.And when I turn the arousal off its like my brain feels drained like after you would after you ejaculate.I was wondering is is because of those big dopamine rushes? Or are these neurons firing together? Like why is it SO arousing.
I had to put my 18 year old dog down today…she had been really sick and was unable to walk and about a month ago we were sure she had a stroke we nursed her for 6 months and did everything possible but its going to get hotter and we're going to be going on vacations In the summer no one would be there to care for her she would've died from dehydration so we kind of had too. It was really sad to me until they put her on the stretcher and said you may leave now :(. That dog is apart of my life I've had her my entire life I can't believe she's gone.