Well so last nght I was having multiple dreams I woke up then went back to sleep then I started to have an erotic dream heterosexual this time I felt myself about to ejaculate but then somehow it stopped.I was thinking like damnit come on! So I woke up happy that I at least felt a snippet of a wet dream again I havent had one since probably early march. This is a good thing I'm hoping to have one soon then see what else comes along with it.
Chris Jay's blog
Caved in and looked at pics again I always seem to get triggered by social media.I also came close to relapsing but stopped myself because ive came waaaay to far to backtrack now. Then soon after I went to see A Haunted House 2 which had some really triggering scenes so after all of those massive dopamaine highs I had yesterday I was hoping that maybe I would have a wet dream still no luck in that yet.Now this morning im sort of having thoughts like depressing thoughts about being gay. But its not even hocd its just something that's been on my mind.
Here at 80 days not much to say really.I havent had any wet dreams in about a month I am in better moods lately dont have any hocd thoughts as well. Which are all positives however still no libido even though today in band class I kept having a feeling down there like something was TRYING to happen. I'm not cured I know I'm not im positive once im cured ill see things like how I use to see them. If I don't get to the results I want to see by Day 90 I have no one to blame but myself.
In my dreams! I had homoerotic dreams and in another dream had a scenario where I was just watching bisexual porn.I didn't MO at all then I logged back into YBR and tried to act like nothing happened the guilt was tremendous. In my dream I was praying this was a dream and I finally woke up and realized it was just a dream but I still have that guilt feeling inside like I ACTUALLY relapsed even though I didn't.
In Health Class today we had to take notes about depression and teens committing suicide. It brung back horrible memories about everything that I've been through in 2013 I could literally feel every emotion that I went through in class today anger, sadness, depression and frustration.It just made me reflect on how my life has went downhill since 2013. How I withdrew from my parents, everyone around me and life.
Well 2 months in time to report.
As I said before what I noticed about PMO was that it had an effect on me as I'm reading books it was like I was reading the words but was unable to remember what I just read. It was very frustrating it made me feel dumb and it killed me because I got an award about 2 years ago for reading 22 books in the seventh grade. So not being able to do a simple task that I loved to do killed me. I haven't tried reading anything since about because I'm too anxious to do so and I'm also scared I won't be able to read the book. So today I got a book I'm going to try to read 9 Chapters.
These past days have been good to me. I feel my brain starting to balance again I guess because my moods have been a lot better. Still having overwhelming sexual thoughts though. Like even the ugliest guy would just autuomatically make me have some type of sexual thought about him.And my attraction to girls is on 0 also. I'm certain this is connected to the porn use. Porn has warped my mind so its going to take time to heal it.
Still back in the "life doesn't have its color back" "I'll never find real girls attractive again" plus a cold to top things off! I was FINALLY starting to see light at the end of the tunnel on day 40 but I just had to fuck it up and MO and look at arousing material.I've been dealing with this for 5months and as soon as iI can smell the roses I fuck it all up. I slowed my recovery down and it all just put me back in a flat line type of mood again. It took me this long to finally get to that place so how long is it going to take for me to get back there?
Feeling better now from my last MO session on Friday. Today was a lot of built up sexual tension and in don't think it was porn induced either.So iI masturbated a couple of minutes ago but with no orgasm. Orgasms are addictive I feel as if a lot of men and women who masturbate don't really take the time to appreciate the sensations and there goal is to get to orgasm as fast as possible. So I decided to try to the technique I used on Friday but to breath and not focus on getting to orgasm.