a quarter turn

Submitted by Clarity on
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I realized the other day that it had been three months since I'd had an orgasm. I thought back to my life as it was three months ago and was stunned. So much I take for granted now is really so new. I've had an enormous spiritual growth spurt. I've started attending sweat lodge regularly and am living a much more sober, purposeful life.

I remember that when I first saw this website, my initial thought was "it's possible to just stop having orgasms?" And my second thought was "I wonder if this will finally make a nonmonogamous lifestyle possible for me?" And sure enough, I feel emotionally stable and secure enough in my social network that my entire romantic landscape has shifted.

So much data collected. A new lover is having a hard time going 14 days without orgasm and we feel out of synch sexually. He wants to try this experiment, feels that he has been waiting to make this change for a long time. He notices that sleeping with someone helps him not masturbate to orgasm. So he is sleeping with another woman and trying to practice not having orgasms the best he can as a transition, and continuing to have sex with her. I feel enormously relieved to be able to focus exclusively on non genital oriented intimate activities with him. So yeah. My perspective has definitely shifted profoundly.

So all's well. This vow of chastity thing is really working out for me. One question I've been pondering is whether my sexuality, like so many other aspects of my life, will fall into a seasonal pattern. Lent, Beltane. Maybe there's a season for all things. Maybe my sexuality has been analogous to eating summer fruit all year round and is now in a phase of early spring fasting that is likewise inappropriate all year? We shall see. Live and learn.

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can you clarify

are you having no sex then? Chastity meaning no sexual contact? Or just no orgasm?

And why is it important not to be monogamous or to have a monogamous partner?

 

Hi emerson!

No, I've had quite a bit of sex recently, just no orgasms. At some point I looked into the meanings of the words "celibacy" and "chastity" and the way I am using them in my own head is that celibacy means no sexual contact, regardless of the reason, while chastity means adhering to a code of proper sexual conduct for spiritual or ethical reasons. I know that not everyone uses the words in this way, but I find it to be a useful distinction for myself. There have been times, for example, when I've been celibate due to a urinary tract infection. When I call myself chaste, I mean that I am containing my sexuality in such a way that it serves a higher purpose, of being a better person, more able to serve.

It's not that it's important to not be monogamous. I am a very social person, with lots of friends and acquaintances. For many years I've had a vision of myself in a web of sexual relationships similar to my friendship web. I've tried repeatedly to make that vision manifest and had given up on it. The emotional fallout was always too much to bear. Now that my emotions are so much more stable and my nonsexual social interactions are so much fulfilling, it's not nearly so difficult. I'm not closed to the idea of finding a monogamous partner at some point, but I am in no hurry. I am in such a period of transformation that I am glad to be able to grow freely. Partnerships often seem to me like a splint, guiding and limiting the way in which a person can grow. I think I'd like to be unbounded for at least a little while longer. The image I always think of is the difference between remodeling an empty house vs remodeling around people living in the house. There's nothing like being single for doing some serious renovations on the self!

Also, part of me wants to spread the word about the potential benefits of giving up orgasm, and dating feels like a great way to do that. The lover I mentioned in my post, for example, has already discussed these ideas with another lover of his and they are trying out nonorgasmic sex, too. Cool, huh?

Oh yeah and

Also, I am finding that I can have sex with someone without automatically pairbonding to them. I was wondering if that would be the case, and sure enough.

that's very interesting

not surprising either, about your new lover who finds it easier to not masturbate when sleeping with a woman. The more bonding behaviors the easier getting over anything is, including the need or desire to masturbate. Actually, not orgasming and having sexual contact and bonding really makes everything in life a lot better and easier. It is a miracle.

It's nice you are experiencing such wonderful changes.

Thanks for sharing your explorations

I've always felt this approach has the potential to allow healing between men and women even before people find their "right" partners for their life's work. Your experience confirms that.

And I like the celibate and chastiy definitions too.