Rewire Rewind Rebirth Relive.........Rethink

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Today is day 5. It feels like every time I see a women , there is a small electricity in my heart. This optimism which I hate. I want to end this..This is the thing that builds up for a relapse.5 days back when I relapsed last time ,I said to myself to crave only for my wife. But already it seems impossible.PMO relapse is not about emptying balls. I think I have some deeper problems to address. I love to ask my wife to lick my ears. I love that sensation. But she started doing it like as though I am pavlov's dog.i stopped asking her.this is not food ration to ask at a Red Cross camp. So 2 years back I stopped asking her.i like to have sex and sleep with a sore back at least once a month with her but she says I hurt her. Everytime we have sex it will be a tantrum and I simply wait for her to leave and PMO it's been like this for 5 years. I don't understand people talking so high of honeymoon.the one I had was a big frustation.This has been our routine for 4 yrs now. When people talk about hot sex,it feels like I am a different species.There is no more hot and not hot women for me. Every women looks hot if I stop PMO for 4 days. In my eyes every women is beautiful.The worst thing is to wake up and go to toilet at a Sunday night to listen to my neighbor having a hot sex :) I sometimes keep myself awake for this wonderful event. My wife is a great human being other than this. She once acted stupid asking me to fuck someone. i just ended that conversation. something is not correct about it.I will not think about leaving her. We don't have any kids yet.for the outside world we are great couple. In other aspects of life we are to some extend....

When I read the story of the founder of alcoholic anonymous,I can relate to myself in a different way of hopelessness. I am professionally a well doing guy ,just dragging myself..but I only use 3% of my potential.i am such a under achiever. For example people who I recruited and trained are several steps above me. I am simply let others go although I can do a killing. In the end why should I.nothing motivates me. I have this nice guy syndrome too. At the moment if death comes to me, I don't mind except a small fear.

The Only reason I want to quit PMO is, the same reason why I refuse to beg my wife.sexuality has only been a pain for me so far.Marnia has asked me to be positive . So I don't want to vent out anymore. My wife is just sitting opposite to me and I don't want to cry in front of her. And I don't want to hurt her by showing this post. I love her. I want to stop this emotional cheating I am doing to her. For example, I am a great listener. I almost know all the sexual encounters of my colleagues and friends. Females mostly. I can write a million pages about it. Sometimes I feel that if I am destined to live a life like this I at least protest against it. I might relapse tomorrow to a hot webcam show tomorrow. But today at this moment I still fought this fight......

If you think I am so negative minded ,let it be that way.for once in life I want to record the truth of my heart.i don't have ED.

Comments

Honestly,

I think you should consider showing her the post, or some kind of "journal entry" that covers the same material.

Before you do, consider this approach: http://www.reuniting.info/science/what_shamu_taught_me_about_happy_marriage

Next time you get her to lick your ear, tell her what you particularly like about it, instead of indicating your displeasure, or sulking. Gradually, you can train her to enjoy the courtesan role more.

Does she speak English or German? If so, you two should watch this DVD together. It covers why women lose their enthusiasm for sex, and what can be done about it. http://www.reuniting.info/blogs/marnia/slow-sex-film

Also consider a marriage counselor if you don't feel she's open to hearing your point of view. She may be just as miserable, but realizes that she also doesn't know what to do to sort things out.

Take heart. Things can change. Stay optimistic.

*big hug*

Day 6

My legs are sore. I don't want injury. I will skip running today. It feels good that I wrote something yesterday. I will wait until I reboot. I am so weak and restless psychologically. I will not show this post to her. If she knows I wrote it, she might leave. In her world she is the best wife. A marriage counselor could be an option.But I don't know how to start that conversation. And I fear that instead of fixing the problem she might end up with some stupid solution. I still remember she approving my PMO and giving cue for me to cheat.The only reason I didn't take that option is my religious upbringing and reading ybop rebooting accounts. In some rebooting accounts the guys explain how hard they become to their wife just by seeing her hip line after the reboot.That is definite proof for me that a monogamous relationship can be very satisfying.i want to live like that. I don't want to lower my pant in front of some women just for sex,I would rather take PMO till death. Because where is my dignity in it. I am a very honest and hardworking guy if u don't consider my sexual perversions.. I tried not seeing any electronic pixel for 35 days. Just seeing her naked while dressing gave me a dynamite erection for 30 minutes.but I went back to PMO because its better than staring at some couple who are heated in their world or listen to my neighbor secretly.my sexual taste is in the point of getting twisted. .i am ashamed to say that I am emotionally cheating her with one of my female friend. It's simply true that I am on my edge with this lady. When it gets more heated discussion , I start talking about my wife and we both become cold again and she is a frustrated single and doesn't know what is under my marriage.she is a sufferer in another way. she tried dating 20 guys and never could get a guy to fuck her hard. PMO is killing several single women. She is blaming herself for it. She is considering to get pregnant from someone and live single.i tried proving her that its bullshit.she is back on track hunting for a guy. But discussing sexual and relationship things to another women is cheating in my world.i want to stop it. if she only knows what is going on in my home, I will be in deep trouble. But I would never ever tell another soul anything bad about my wife . But we will start with the film you gave us. I am trying to be very optimistic. I am simply carrying our marriage and will continue to do so. She has tried to pleasure me but in ways that doesn't make sense at all. For example she tickle my stomach by kissing there. When I cannot take it anymore,I try to avoid her. And she would say that something is wrong with me. I don't mind. But I learnt that she likes to be tickled. I learnt that she is doing the things that she wants me to do.i never had touched any other women than my wife.i want to remain like his for rest of my life. I was a virgin when I got married.so I am not a sex guru to turn things around. She had some boy friends and was not a virgin when we met.but it doesn't seem to help us anyway. Although I keep shut about this matter,She has told 2 of her friends that we had sex less than 20 times in 5 years. Well she wants to name it sex. i am ok with it.Now when they see me they give me this embarrassing smile as though I need some pills for sex. I am here with a bursting erection all the time I am writing this. My cravings are kicking in . I need to stop writing and take a shower....

I seldom recommend therapists

But there's a lot of communication that needs to happen between you two, and there's no shame in getting some help from a neutral party. You could see the therapist first alone and get some ideas for how to raise the need for counseling with your wife at that session.

One question that came up for me is that you seem to be unhappy with your wife's lovemaking technique. Is it because it doesn't match your expectations from porn? Or why?

As you may know, our book, which is also available in German, has 3 weeks of affectionate, playful activities for couples in the back of it. The goal is to tap the power of attachment cues, and then introduce intercourse again. You could easily bring such an approach up with your wife by saying you ran into this article: The Lazy Way to Stay in Love. While we all think that what we need is sex (or, like your co-worker, hard sex), it turns out that regular affection is itself quite soothing...and is also a good way to help make regular sex more likely.

Let me know what you think of the DVD.

What is sex ?

Your question makes me laugh.. What is love making ? If there is a book ,I would read and learn about it . I have no idea what is love making . She does not have to know any technique. If she just lie there i would like to do the plain vanilla thing, She simply pushes me away as though I was trying to force her. By the time she gets ready she starts complaining about soreness and pain and I have to stop. I don't blame the porn for this , although its an addict writing this. But if I am not satisfied with her love making. Well, wait a minute , we have not started 'love making' yet .But on the other hand porn is making me feel worse after the E especially my ways to hide it , my ways to fetch it. It makes me miserable and poor inside.I have started hating it. So I will first reboot and then think about a therapist. I will first kill my porn habit. I need a break now . My mood is worse after opening up to you. I have been having a panic attack today. Let me take this at an easy pace..

And by the way we cuddle a lot. There has not been a night without us being together and you might be wondering about how she is getting off. Well actually she gets off by masturbation. I don't know if its normal , but she masturbates on a sharp edge, it could be a chair or table.

But not even for once i have seen her masturbate. She never does it in front of me. I asked her also. But she refused. I of course masturbate in front of her after these frustrated sex rituals we have. We have been conducting less ceremonies nowadays. None in 2013. And 1 on 2012.

I'm sorry about the anxiety

It's tough for any of us to touch these sore spots inside, and I admire your courage for making the effort. You are a brave man.

I know that men who masturbate in ways that cause excessive stimulation can have a lot of trouble climaxing to normal, vaginal or even oral stimulation. So your wife may have a similar issue.

The thing is, the only way I know to "re-sensitize" the brain to vanilla stimulation is to stop orgasming for a while. That can be tough, and can make someone even more anxious and irritable for a bit.

Anyway, here's some information on "traumatic masturbation syndrome" for men. I haven't seen similar information for women, but there's no reason to think women would be different. http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/traumatic-masturbation-syndrome

Some women who start using vibrators notice that they soon cannot orgasm during regular sex. It seems to me that that would also be a parallel situation. Vibrators and Other Pleasures: When 'Moderation' Fails

Even though all of this is very painful now, I think you will both one day be glad you made the effort to help things change. Just don't expect it to be easy at first.

*a big cyber hug*

Sorry I have a question

I have a doubt. Can a man live in complete abstinence for rest of his life with some respect. And of course not sneaking and looking people in the street or porn ? Is it physically healthy ? Do you know anyone like that ? I usually E only once in 3 or 4 weeks. I don't need a release everyday unless I am in a porn binge.

I am just asking this because in the intermediate period I don't want to fall to porn. Its always this question that gets me to the ditch.

I think it would be very tough

in today's hypersexualized environment.

In any case, I don't think your situation is as hopeless as you fear. It just needs some new energy. Play detective. Maybe see a counselor. I bet your wife will thank you for it in the end, even if she's angry at first.

Day 7

5 km run in 40 minutes.Craving started well before that. When i woke up. I just read some rebooting accounts. and then left for the run. When i came back i took a cold shower. Craving was there 50% . I went and made some breakfast for myself. After eating the craving was 25%. I left the home. I think if I hang on for a while craving disappears.

But I am raping every women i see with my eyes. I have an erection almost even for a grandma. I think an innocent cleavage is going to be a thunderstorm in my heart. I cannot take my eyes off my boss. I am controlling. Spring is scary.

I hate it today. I am so vulnerable. I hope this craving ends in a few days.

Day 0

After reading your post yesterday I got ambitious. I went and played with her. She pushed me away , I was begging. Guess what I relapsed to P today after she left. I went back to the cyber couple who I play with.I roleplayed with her for an hour fantasizing her as my wife and did a O. Shit I hate to say it. I wish this was the last time I do this. I think hanging here too much is triggering a relapse. I will wait for a month before even coming here back. P is not my problem , my problem is fantasizing . If there is a magic pill i will take it.

I dont want to talk about P , It might trigger something for someone. But a lot of people here talk only about high speed Internet videos. Trust me high speed Internet videos are innocent.The problem is not the picture or video. The problem is what I think about it, who is showing it to me. This is hell . Let me come back after some days !!

Today again! Day 0

Today again I relapsed. I took my P laptop locked it in office. It hurts so much that I cannot trust myself. I need a drink today.

Something tells me this was the last time I gave in. I still remember my last cigarette. This is exactly felt like that. I had a E without O . I don't know if anyone has experienced it.

Day 2

After some more relapses and alcohol I am here. I just have to record it here. ALCOHOL doesn't help in this matter. It simply made it worse for me. I couldn't run too :(. I think the only way is to take the beating and move on.

I read your books in WISDOM section. It mentioned something about having sex for more than 30 minutes relaxes ... This makes sense to me . This is something i never did it with her. It will always be quick and in a hurry. That is something I learnt definitely from porn. I have started lying naked with her for the last 2 days for 30 minutes before we sleep. Her nagging has reduced a bit.

I will come back on this. I am going to continue :)

Day 3

5 Km 42 minutes. Back into business. we started enjoying this lying naked together. Today the sensation felt more sensitive :)

Yes, it's interesting how

bonding behaviors become increasingly pleasurable.  I've read a scientific theory that it's because oxytocin receptors increase with daily(ish) contact, making us more sensitive to the good feelings from touch and closeness. This is the opposite of dopamine receptors in response to excessive stimulation.

Nice going with the running!

Day 4

5 km in 38 minutes today. :) Now I can feel some satisfaction in this cuddle business. I cannot fall asleep without it . She was back from the gym , tired and didn't take a shower. But still I wanted it !!

Day 5

5 km 41 minutes. Legs are sore. But craving has nothing to do with this. So the only way to get past the craving is to show no mercy to me. This being nice to myself business has not worked for 2 years !!!

Day 1

I relapsed for 1 week straight. This is what I call the eternal edging(4+2+2+2+3+3+14+14 hours of edging).7* 24 I only thought about next fix. I don't think i will do it again ever. I am looking for a pill to become asexual.That is the only thing I want now. It felt like a reincarnation. We blame O . But O was the one which saved my sanity back . I didn't eat, I didn't clean I didn't do anything except this. I can be a good experimental rat. I lost 5 kilo of weight due to dehydration.Usually after a O I get sugar cravings.This time I didn't get it.Something inside me has changed for ever. In this duration I collected 5 GB of porn(All of these are real life people who show their skin in camera and share it with others.) and as usual delete them as soon as I O. Its amazing how wiser I became as soon as O happened.

You might think what was the reason for relapse. Well it was simply meeting a loving couple. I am ashamed to say this, but i felt so jealous that I wanted to steal their life somehow in my imagination.I wanted to be them. Its like possessing their life or something (I think the whole concept of porn allows me to do this). Just their presence and staying close to them did this to me. Its like reminding what I don't have.Ironically the husband of the couple was admiring me , my success and my career and my house in such a young age blah blah. I couldn't control my laugh. I was about to tell him , OK lets exchange , I can build all this from the scratch but want to live like him without thinking about sex all the time.I managed to gather myself by heavy drinking that night. Next day I didn't want to think about anything. I was so depressed and crying while I was running in the morning.

When I came home My father-in-law called me and asked if we should check with a fertility clinic to get a baby to increase my sperm count and so on.He was offering me to pay for the checkup. I didn't want to tell that his daughter don't know what to do in bed. I learned to be better than that. Why make an old man and an innocent girl sad. Life is too short to make others unhappy.You might think I have nice guy syndrome. Let it be. It need a lot of control to be a nice guy trust me. I have been going through difficult training all my life to get to this level :)

So after this conversation all I wanted to do is relapse !

I have developed my own philosophy of porn :

To me porn doesn't make anymore sense. To me porn can be defined as "Material that can put you in a frame of mind to cheat without any love. It can be sexy dressed girl in a bar who flashes to unknown men".Every thing like television , internet ads , new flashy dresses and whatever we have accepted to live in the society seems to be porn in my eyes. If it is not porn then what is it ? Any man/women who is ready to expose them self to tease an unknown person is porn to me does't matter in what medium the light comes into the viewers eyes. I even tried to jerk to hand drawn pencil sketches of naked women , it works. I tried to jerk to a toilet bowl without thinking anything , I can come to a point of cum thinking about a flower or a soap bar. Its purely mechanical to me. I feels like when dicks find some muscle grip it is ready to breed. Thats purely all my dick wants.Rest is all a fiction. The whole world of love and sex is a fiction which doesn't make any sense anymore. All the music and movies looks like a waste of time. Don't think I am having Orgasm madness or something. I only had 1 O just enough to get my sanity back to cut the power pins of my laptop. Porn filters doesn't work for me.I am using computers since I was 10 .

Differentiating Sex and Love is getting me on the nerve. To me it looks like a needy snake inside me which knows how to paralyze the prey which is of course me for its need to spil out cum. Right now sex is 2 selfish flesh paralyzed by their inner snake which will for sure end up in a dirty O. Its only a matter of how long the edge goes on. I think O can be compared to a vomit of the snake which ate what it should not and cannot bare it anymore. Its such a relief we get after a O which can only be compared to vomit.

This is what I realized in this one week. I have to write this somewhere because , I am so weak and I don't know how long it will take for me to recover or may be never. My urine is blood red due to dehydration. I don't feel hungry . I am still in the after effects and shaking in low sugar.

Well the funny thing is Cold shower and running has improved on their own level.They are beneficial to health and hanging penis , blood circulation etc. But they don't help me a bit with my jealousy or sulking or porn.

I know that this post is going to offend someones feeling. Please ignore me . This is all my perspective. I wanted to capture feeling of a person who has only seen sex in paper and screen. Ignore me If you know better. I will catch up with this "Education" sometime before i die.

I'm sorry you're still tied in knots

I really think you need a counselor. You seem so determined to stay in your rut, blaming your wife for not acting like the people you see on your screen.

What about masturbating on a schedule? Edging for hours sounds like an addictive binge.

Also, if you do want to have a child, have a look at these articles:

Ejaculation: How Often for Good Health?

http://yourbrainonporn.com/ejaculation-how-often-for-good-health

Today’s ejaculation advice may be wrong for our species

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201106/exiting...

 

Ok

You have seen more addicts than I did. So I accept that it's all my mistake .i am just whining here. It's not easy to live an addict

I'm not saying you have nothing to whine about :-)

But I do think you're wrestling with an addiction.

Read this guy's account of his recovery. (http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/2-consecutive-months-out-9-ive-never-been...) Notice that it has taken him 9 months to feel like he's finally in control. Progress has been gradual. I think you need to be realistic about how tough it is to turn things around.

I also think marital counseling would help a lot. You and your wife need a structured way to find each other again. While you're bent on finding "porn heat" that makes it easier to run fantasies in your head, your relationship is not ever likely to meet your "needs." But loving contact (and no porn/fantasy about others) would also be likely to make what you do have more appealing. This means unhooking first and trusting the power of daily bonding behaviors (and intercourse) to pull you back on track. You might be surprised.

Day 2

One major turn around happened.yesterday again I got drunk. Late night my neighbor started making heavy panting. I sulked to her about them. She laughed. This morning she called her sister about meeting a doctor about the pain she has in the track.now I am planning to meet the doctor before hand to ask him to send us to a counselor .lol

Day 1

Yesterday i did this MO like how Gary explains looking at my toilet bowl. I reset my counter to day 1 today. Toilet bowl method has less dopa mine and so on. But it breaks something inside me completely. Its not a practical solution for me, I feel very depressed of my being after that. I would rather come and whine here . I am not going to do this again. I hope i don't have to do it out of chaser another time.

I am taking two cold showers to a shivering point everyday and that's the only time i touch the dick. The sensitivity is very low at that time. So i don't get any ideas.

Another interesting thing is I gave her a oral yesterday. She tried stopping me that its painful. I asked her how tongue can be painful. She was quiet. I smiled. I said its OK for her to enjoy it . I wouldn't see her or make fun of her. she can use a cloth on her face. Trust me it worked.

I ate her for 2-3 minutes. I am going to do this often. She is shy with me. that's part of the problem. Later in the night when I was half asleep she kissed me and said she liked it.

Are you referring to me?

Yesterday i did this MO like how Gary explains looking at my toilet bowl. I reset my counter to day 1 today. Toilet bowl method has less dopa mine and so on

If you are referring to me I have no idea what you are talking about.

Day 4

Don't ask me how i made it. But we has SEX today with a condom. It Was Quick but i cummed first time inside her. It Was so Quick. May be 10 strokes. Edging hours is a different Thing altogether. I dont know what i Can dó to last longer . Now i have to live to her expectations . First time i am motivated to dó something. I feel so happy. Porn habit is going to die soon i Can see that light in the end of tunnel!

I Will reply to Gary later in the post mortem of the whole Thing . But Gary should know that i am a Big fan of his Work!

Day 5: Sex and Mastrubation are not the same

Mastrubation is totally different from what i am experiencing right now. I dont know the biology behind it , but it is like comparing apple to orange. I slept 12 hours. Running is making me tired first time. Cold shower is really cold. Food taste different. Eyes are more light sensitive. Vision is clearer. Brain is more foggy. But I enjoy it.

I cannot tell how happy I am especially knowing that I can give my wife something which can make her happy :)

Today i didnt feel like talking to my female freinds about how low their skirt was in the dance room etc. It feels ackward. I started searching for my DIGNITY.

I dont know how frequent we should have sex.Thinking about weekly. May be I should not see any women or skin or eyes or flirting for a week and see how good it works in bed with my wife :)

One good thing about the whole think is my cock worked the whole time and didnt embarass me :)

Well, what can I say?

Evolution prepared us to get the job (of sex) done fairly effortlessly. It didn't evolve with Internet porn in the mix, however, and overconsumption of stimulation can cause major problems in terms of being able to enjoy normal pleasure.

Most guys report that the brain fog abates within a couple of weeks. Your brain needs time to regain its balance, even though you're already seeing progress.

56 days today

Hi Marnia,

I hope you are doing great. I am 56 days (hard-mode) clean from all digital erotic materials, including Porn , TV , news paper ads , movies , chat, erotic stories etc.

I am so sorry to blame at everything else except me. My sexual life almost doesn't exists now(Wife is still afraid of pain and complains when I go near her). But I am willing to have sex with my wife. It is still optional, I don't whine about her anymore, a lot of the problem could be on my side. We have a specialist appointment this month. At least I want a baby. I haven't got a wet dream yet. I don't touch myself unless I am in a cold shower.

I can control myself from Porn now, I am NOT GOING BACK. It took me 50 days to get here without any kind of stimulation. I don't need MO ever. I am still no there to give up my sexuality fully.

What has worked for me is simply a confession.

I simply gave all my laptops , mobile phones , etc to my wife. And explained her how I hide my shit, the exact nature of my relapses and how helpless I am. Even when my addict brain is contemplating a plan for a relapse, I talk it open to her and tell her what I am thinking , how I am planning to cheat on her with a laptop etc.

I have been through some painful days of resentments. Resentments are some kind of way of addict brain to get us back on track of the addiction I think. It still goes on. Some times i talk to myself. Some times I make noises which are not explainable to others :)

But I found my way towards other things in life. I am not thinking about sex all the time.

I rock at Career ! My career is consuming a major part of my life now . And my wife says "I am real man" . My colleagues are afraid when I talk to a customer or something . My voice is really like a lion roar . I can feel it myself.

I cannot thank you and Gary more than anyone else. You both have some amazing information on this website which many parents cannot able to provide to their children today.

I will report you my progress in another 2 months.