I have been feeling a tad more confident, but I also find that my mood or attitude is very unstable. At times I can be energized and in other moments I feel tired and not willing to be active. However, I'm keeping up with the discipline challenge, especially in the gym, doing some housework or cooking at least one of my meals and reading aspects.
There were moments during the day in which I wondered what I was doing at home instead of being at college, but I already fucked that up real bad, so I need to focus on self improvement.
I had a conversation with my parents and my sister, which was related to my visit to the psychologist tomorrow and they tried to understand what has been happening to me. They always make some assumptions, but they really don't know what are the true roots of my problems and how hard is to beat PMO addiction, internet addiction, and now food addiction (mainly sweets).
I've been reading Journey to Freedom's journal to get some inspiration and the book the "Man's Search of Meaning. Both of them are interesting and worth it, but I still find my concentration quite fragile and subconsciously I want a dopamine release or an instant source of pleasure, but the urges aren't there yet.
Honestly, I don't feel that porn is a big problem for me, because of my libido being so low right now and because it actually bores me now. The only trigger I see that might induce me to come back to it is the all or nothing mentality that I have after binging on junk food, when I don't give a shit about anything, which is thinking that if I'm going to reboot, I either do it flawlessly or I don't do it at all.
Otherwise, I don't feel it happening again. But, therein lies my big concern about my progress, since my food addiction is quite recent, everytime that I binge, it still has novelty, making me look forward to a next time.
I think that the main reasons for that other addicition are because I started getting bored and not pleased enough with porn, leading to depression due to weak orgasms and because I started being more strict with what I ate ever since I started going to the gym. When I was a kid, up until I was around 13, I didn't limit myself on eating chocolate and desserts, yet I did it in a moderate way. Since then, I've been trying to have a healthier diet, which I did, by eating those snacks very rarely. Up until six months ago I'd never had such strong cravings for them, so I also believe it's some sort of repression accumulated that makes me think that I can allow myself to eat plenty of snacks.
So, if I'm being pessimistic, what I do see with clarity is that around the 10 days or 2 weeks of abstinence, being "clean" and organized, I'll start having crazy urges to eat chocolate (my main weakness ) and other snacks. It starts with giving myself a hope that I might binge once again in some time, then becomes a plan in process to go and buy snacks (this planning makes me a bit horny and lusty, even if you find it weird, though I don't see it as a way for another kind of sexual release) and the last stage, which is when I face the strongest cravings and I have a mental conflict between the side that rationalizes and the other side that only wants a huge rush of dopamine.
I rarely or never crave foods that are actual meals (that can be eaten for lunch or dinner) and don't see them as a trigger for binge. I might say, hey it would be nice to have a dinner at this place, but never think of eating it compulsively.
Anyways, I'll keep you updated after I talk to the psychologist.