Acountability partner

Submitted by diamondsoul22 on
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Would anybody be willing to be an accountability partner, or is there anybody who is in need of an accountability partner.
When a craving for dopamine stimulation hits lately my motivation goes out the window and I just give in. In that moment, I want the chocolate, or orgasm or fantasy and good intentions go completely out the window.

I feel like its come to the point where I don't have a strong enough incentive for not engaging in pmo. It frustrates me that I don't have the resolve and I feel like sh@t when I give in.

Comments

what you really need IMHO

is replacement behaviors for when you relapse. Determine in advance what you will do instead of PMO:

When alone I'll do this ___ instead

 

When I'm by myself and stressed out I'll do this ___ instead

 

When I'm bored I'll do this ___ instead

 

When I'm trying to get to sleep but can't fall asleep I'll do this ____ instead

 

 

This is the proven way to build a new habit. You have to replace the old one, which is serving a purpose, with a new one that serves the same purpose -- the purpose being maybe feeling less lonely, feeling less stressed, feeling less bored, getting to sleep, etc.

 

 

 

I went out on a date tonight

I went out on a date tonight with a guy. I feel like I keep hitting a wall. Like there's some unconscious force beyond my control that keeps fucking me up. When I first met this guy the other day it seemed like a match made in heaven. He seemed like the most awesome guy. today though the energy was so different with him. I can't quite identify what was wrong tonight. Maybe I have unresolved daddy issues that I'm projecting onto our interaction. I wish I could talk to somebody in person about this who is wise

Maybe

he followed the standard advice on the Web, which is to masturbate before a big date so you don't come off as too needy. Did he seem..."flat?"

No. I felt "flat" , but the

No. I felt "flat" , but the exchange between us felt flat in general. and certain of his behaviors turned me off - I felt like less than a woman in his presence. it's intimidating because he seems like so much more than me - large family, successful, has seen the world. He called me "sweetie" and that set me off in my mind. I think this theme revolves more around a power struggle. I feel small around him and vulnerable. And when he told me he wanted to take me shopping I felt slightly insulted - not because I think I didn't look good, but because I felt insulted by the fact that he thought he could win me over that way.

Of course what I'm saying is probably biased to some extent because I'm not saying how he was a gentleman all in all which he was. and he did introduce me to several of his family members. He is

from a different culture and religious background so I'm not sure of what's socially and culturally acceptable for him so I'm sure that influences out interaction as well...

Is this me and post pmo hangover from last week?

He called me earlier but I just don't feel like talking. He mentioned last night eatin together for Christmas but I feel like pulling away from him Right now.

I met him at the restaurant where I often eat. He is good friends with the owner who I've become very familiar with. ( he actually ended up confessing that he is one of the owners. He invited me to eat with him and the rest of his family there tonight.

Please go

This is not a dangerous outing. And your instincts may be off.

He's just trying to boast in his own way. Think of a peacock showing off his tail.

You can decide about him later. Meet his family.

And yes, this can be a hangover.

Wonderfull! So glad I went. I

Wonderfull! So glad I went. I guess yesterday was just nerves and misperception. So glad I let you talk me into going Marnia. This man is lovely. We went to the movies and held hands and touched foreheads. He seems very fluent in body language. he goes at just the right pace for me. He's very concerned about my comfort and well being at all times. He called me sweety tonight but it Didnt seem to bother me as much.

How many more episodes of misperception do you think I'll have before I'm in the clear. Don't wanna sabotage somthing good.

How about loving yourself?

And giving yourself all the time you need. Men used to love courtship. Porn has shoved a lot of them into overdrive that isn't really all that "normal" - although it's becoming the norm.

If he has the wisdom to enjoy courtship, then you should too. Keep checking in with your gut and don't go faster than you need to.

Your appreciation of his many kindnesses, your beauty and your company are gifts enough, while you give your nervous system time to learn trust.

I'm glad you had the courage to go. I-m so happy

That's about the best advice

That's about the best advice anybody could give me. I've been trying to meditate on my breasts every day for a start. I've haven't really been feeling biological fireworks which I think is a good thing just very excited

I woke up with a cold yesterday. He invited me to eat lunch with him and meet his closest female friend but I declined because I was feeling so under the weather.

He asked me if i needed him to bring me anything lasy night, so today I hesitantly asked him if he could bring me some food. I felt somewhat unsure of myself when asking him I guess because I'm not totally secure in knowing that he really wants to...

But we shall see what happens

This man just drove almost 30

This man just drove almost 30 min to come bring me some amazing food. I'm having trouble fully appreciating and recieving his generosity because I'm too caught up in thinking about the nature of our connection and the authenticity of it

He sounds like the perfect teacher

Keep asking yourself how a healthy person would respond to such an act of kindness. (Hint: with warmth and genuine appreciation)

And keep watching your responses. Until your nervous system gets the "hang" of support, it will always be suspicious and looking for a hidden deal. And in truth, human motives are complex. But we're all human, so the kindest thing we can do for each other is to see the best in each other...until we have solid evidence otherwise.

There's no rush to figure everything out. You can't possibly know each other that well yet. The connection doesn't have to be proven yet. It just has to be progressing in a way that isn't unhealthy.

My best friend finally married a year ago. Her husband is an amazing giver, and he enjoys it. She had to train herself to accept his many gifts and just appreciate and acknowledge them. It takes a special goddess to do that well. Both are very happy, and slowly he's allowing her to do more for him.

Take your time. See what you see. Keep watching the wounded child in yourself who has trouble trusting. She can learn new tricks. Smile

It can feel very weird

at first to receive loving support when you've not been used to it. But remember that those weird feelings aren't necessarily coming from your core. They're coming from bruises you sustained along the way. You can get used to being treated kindly. Give rose

I feel like a different

I feel like a different person now compared with earlier in the day when I was dwelling in the depths of despair and Didnt think I would make it out. Partly I think it was triggered by not hearing from Him today, and not seeing him for several days. With each passing day I felt more and more clingy and unsure of myself.... then somtime today, I decided to take a drive...somewhere....anywhere.....I went to watch airplanes land....and went to eat food at one of my favorite places, and then go to the bookstore and do some meditative reading I ended the night with buying a dozen beautifull pink roses. It was an impulsive buy... And there was nothing egocentric about it. I was just so captured by there beauty and then when I smelled them my gut told me to buy them. So I did. And then I went home and whatched my female roomates whatch football with the enthusiasm of the most die hard fans....

Love story to be continued

Well said

Glad you're enjoying your roses.

Make up your mind to explore this relationship, Diamond. Don't expect all the answers to be clear as you go along. Let each day be a surprise. And remember, you can always walk away. Just don't do that for the "wrong" reasons if you can help it. It's evident that you're going to have to walk through some discomfort to get into a healthy orbit.

You can do it!

Yahoo

Maybe

Maybe

I can be both a Rose,

And a Falcon

Maybe...

Just Maybe!

I can be my own Savior...

Maybe

The Divine really does dwell in me

I Am She

And He Is in Me

This,

Is the greatest love story

Of all

In History

....

And I can Asure you it will travel

With much ease and grace

And will be confused with the poetry

Of Rumi and Hafiz

This Poetry begs for an owner

But I won't sign my name

I will live on unsigned

Until that day

When we meet

face to face

Tonight we were out with him

Tonight we were out with him and a group of his friends . I didn't feel any sense of acknowledgment that he was interested in me and we interacted very little while hanging out. It's sort of a stinging feeling of pain. I know that this is a great guy even though he is triggering alt of my pain. And I know that my behaviors are triggering his pain too. I'm just not sure how much pain I/ he can take before we decide that it's better to not pursue this. They sang happy birthday to me and as much as I wished I could be greatfull, I couldn't feel that emotion.

I Want someone to just tell me that im an ungreatfull egocentric human being.

I feel somewhat relieved that the night is over... I think we are both trying our best to make it work because we both saw somthing authentic in one another when we met, but little by little I'm feeling more closed down.
Closing down or pulling away is the best way to describe whats been occurig between us at times. Maybe he senses my neediness ...

Well see what happens

Has it occurred to you

that he doesn't want to push you and is waiting for the right signals from you? Maybe he doesn't want to embarrass himself if you just see him as a friend. Meanwhile, you're working up a story about how you're not safe (which shows up as..."I don't get a buzz now, so I must have been wrong about him.") because he's not making the right signals. Kind of a Catch 22, right?

No one has a crystal ball...not even me. Wink But if you saw something authentic in each other, I'm guessing that authentic person is still in both of you.

Remember: it's always easier, and feels better in the short-term, to run away (given your history). Remember: if you have been mistreated as a child, a healthy relationship doesn't seem appealing or attractive in the short-term....even though it's actually the only safe way out of your dilemma. (Unhealthy relationships will have more "spark" and "chemistry" so it's easy to make a poor choice.)

There's an old book called Women Who Love Too Much. Maybe have a look. That's the book my friend read when she was thinking of bolting, as usual, before she married. It's helped her see clearly what was going on. And she's very happily married. You may be too young to see the big picture...but maybe not. And I don't say that to be snarky. It's just that ALL of us believe our mating neurochemistry implicitly...until it crashes us repeatedly. That's when we're open to understanding more.

Here's a suggestion: Can you suggest an activity that's just for the two of you? A walk, a trip to the zoo, whatever. Just tell him what you liked about him when you met and how you're having trouble figuring out the next piece because healthy loving is something you're still learning. No demands. No big confessions. Just keep it light, as if you're trying to learn to ride a bike.

Let him see the real you

[quote=diamondsoul22]I Want someone to just tell me that im an ungreatfull egocentric human being.[/quote]

Have you tried telling him this is how you feel?

[quote=diamondsoul22]I think we are both trying our best to make it work because we both saw somthing authentic in one another when we met, but little by little I'm feeling more closed down.
Closing down or pulling away is the best way to describe whats been occurig between us at times. Maybe he senses my neediness ...[/quote]

The problem, which you will likely continue to face in every new relationship, isn't that you are the bad person you imagine yourself to be. It's that you are too afraid to reveal these thoughts and feelings (who you really are inside) to the guy. Instead, you want him to think of you as someone else; someone carefree, secure and happy because then maybe he will like and accept you. But even if he does, it's not you that he's accepting - it's the false you that you've presented while hiding the real you.

I get that it's tricky at the start of a relationship. But after a couple of dates, it's time to get real. Inside, at some level we are all alone, afraid, insecure, etc. It's why we need companionship, reassurance, validation, etc. All people need this; it's nothing to be ashamed of.

You are self-aware and articulate. Most people aren't able to describe their inner life with the kind of vulnerability, personal accountability, insight and wisdom you display in your posts. I would venture to say that a lot of guys would find that appealing; probably many more than you think.

Thanks for your feedback

Thanks for your feedback Sender... I wish I could truly believe all these wonderfull things people have to say about me. instead I worry about why I haven't heard back from the guy and what I did wrong this time.... With time though I'm sure it will get better....I'm trying my best

accoubtability

ok you're an ungrateful egocentric human being...does that feel any better.... i hope not...cuz even though your psyche is telling you this your heart is saying that's not true. and sometimes ...sometimes our hearts know whats best for keeping the pulsating going

Happy New year everyone. I am

Happy New year everyone. I am planning to go on a meditation retreat for two weeks next week in Europe. Maybe it will help me to see straight.....I'm reading "Woman who love to Much". I hope it helps.

Thank you all for all your positive feed back as always

I feel like I have such a

I feel like I have such a hard Time assessing the reality of a situation; whether a situation is safe or not , whether I'm compromising my integrity or not; whether I'm coming from a healthy place of needing, or an unhealthy place of needing....
Whether I deserve more or not, whether I'm wanted or not.... I am concerned with whether I'm wanted.

I can't see staight.... I haven't heard from the guy and I'm not sure if its somthing I did or not.... do I even like this guy...or not.... Is he a good guy for me or not

Hopefully I'll be able to answer some of these questions or they'll answer themselves with time.