Day 11 - Closer to the prize at the end of the rope

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Last time I was at day 11, I was on auto-horny and my brain was literally dosing me with the scent of female genitalia, and trying to convince me to look at porn (which it ultimately succeeded in doing). This time around, I feel much calmer overall. Women seem to be more comfortable around me since I got off my last binge, and I'm also noticing the nuances of different women's sexuality more. I am better-able to determine which women are slutty and which are good relationship girls. Before, I was all about their bodies and now I can see a little deeper. These are the main perceptive differences that I attribute to my no-porn commitment. I've definitely also noticed that it's easier to stay in good physical condition when I'm ejaculating once a week. Even if I'm feeling "loose," like my abs are sagging, say around day 4-5 of no O, I know that by day 7, my abs will be high and tight again. This benefit alone is very important in its own right, in keeping my confidence near peak levels. In general, I am just living better and being more productive.

The ironic thing is, despite the fact that I am returning to balance and opening myself up to new opportunities, I really haven't a clue what kind of relationship I want with a woman (friends with benefits, or boyfriend/girlfriend) at all. Also, I just feel vaguely bitter in general. I've been hurt so much in the past, that I am reluctant to even let someone under my skin should they want to get close to me. Being a guy who's never dumped a girl, I just feel like I'm just waiting to meet the next woman to hurt me.

I know that I will be very busy when school starts back up again in a couple of weeks, and I am actually very thankful for this as I get very bored during the long days. Maybe I'll somehow, someway, somewhere find a woman who understands my time restrictions and pulls me out of this dry spell. Or maybe I should just drown myself in schoolwork for a few years. *Sigh* I am getting closer every day - for sure - just have to accept that this challenge can and will make me stronger, and persevere.

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