I used to post on this site years ago back when I was a student and had just started dating my girlfriend. Now five years later we are still together and have moved in together and have a kind, loving, great relationship and yet this porn addiction still hangs over me.
Over the past few months I've had a series of attempts at abstinence but also heavy lows of binging which led me to stop writing on this site out of shame. I kept telling myself, I'd do it one more time then I'd go back on to reuniting and start the process of quitting again. But one more time, became multiple more times, often within the space of a day and my masturbation and porn use has just got worse and worse.
I've drifted on and off this site for the last few months coming on making promises of changing and then getting into cycles of binging, masturbating daily and not returning out of shame. The longest I managed to last for was a space of 6 weeks without masturbation, but recently I'm lucky if I can go more than 3 days.
Ok its been a while since I've been on here. Alas I fell off the horse, I fell off the horse badly rather like the Lone Ranger riding into a brick wall. I fell back into the habit of porn watching and masturbating daily and, in a feat of ridiculous logic, I was too ashamed to come back here and talk about it. All the reasons I wanted to quit still stand and I feel with the Christmas holidays coming up, a time when I'll be around family and friends for long spaces of time, what better time to start abstaining again? I've said one last time, too many times and its time to just take the plunge.
After six weeks without porn until last Friday, I decided to masturbate without porn or fantasy, just to relieve tension, and it felt fine there was no accompanying feelings of guilt or desire to relapse. Unfortunately yesterday I had a binge. I'm not even entirely sure why, I wasn't under any real stress or even bordom which would would usually make me turn to the habit, and this made it feel almost worse that I'd gone the longest I've ever been without both and yet caved out of something so small.
Up until this week I've largely lacked the 'itch' to masturbate, I've experienced at times pretty bad moodswings, I've felt tired and I had a long period where I felt a loss of libido. This week has sort of been the opposite of that. As I've been reading for my course I've found myself unintentionally having fantasies about sexual acts with a girl that I'm friends with. (and possibly like - although it's hard to tell while abstaining how much of my feeling is affection and how much lust).
I'm 20 years old and have been masturbating since the age of 15, almost daily since the age of 16. Three weeks ago I set myself the task of abstaining from masturbation and pornography for three weeks, because masturbation was perpetuating my feelings of anxiety, blurring my ability to concentrate on things and causing feelings of guilt and shame.