I used to post on this site years ago back when I was a student and had just started dating my girlfriend. Now five years later we are still together and have moved in together and have a kind, loving, great relationship and yet this porn addiction still hangs over me.
In the last five years I have told myself every variation of what you tell yourself to justify it: that it's normal, that other people do it, that I'm anxious and that it will help me calm down, and most commonly that this will be the last time and then I will give up forever. But I always end up falling back into the same habits and then berating myself that if I was stronger or a better person I could do this on my own. The whole thing fills me with self disgust and guilt and I want to stop but more and more I am realising that I can't do this on my own.
Porn and masturbation is damaging to my relationship - It has on some occasions affected our sex life. It also damages my job - I procrastinate using it when I am at home and waste time meaning that I often have to work late into the night meaning I am more tired and anxious the next morning. My job is high intensity and this really affects me. I am also a very anxious person and porn has become a crutch for putting off things when I am anxious - I get a period of pleasure away from my worries before returning to the same fears just with the added addition of self loathing because I did the thing I swore I wouldn't do again.
I'm sure this site has changed quite a lot in five years and I don't really want to bother anybody. I know everyone has their own lives and struggles going on but I just wanted to say this and to make myself accountable somewhere for my own recovery. I want to stop but I know that it is not enough just to tell myself that I am going to stop - I have done this in the past and fallen back into the same habits. I need to try to build new ones and this is me attempting a good habit.