I noticed some odd changes during this reboot, largely shifts in mood quite atypical for a banal personality like myself. At first I just plain craved porn; then I felt dead inside; then at some point I felt like superman, my anxiety vanished, women were coming on to me, and I was genuinely curious about other people and as much attracted to women by their quirks as by their appearance. Thereafter, I reverted back to my original self--as I mentioned in my previous post--followed by a two day superman phase (occurring the day after my last post, incidentally), which concluded with me being more anxious than ever before.
My anxiety is a tricky thing: I have no problem engaging in obligatory human interactions, ordinarily--but I'm a nervous wreck around available women to whom I'm attracted--though the pornography smoothed things out to a flat, empty feeling. Throw in some obstacle or social ritual and I'm back to normal. However, I've never been good with people I have minimal interest for--and this covers quite a number of people--with the superman phase being the exception to the rule. However, these last few days have had me wanting to interact with more people, but I find myself suddenly quite anxious--possibly due to the fact that I've typically loathed small talk in the past, and now want it, and haven't the slightest inkling as to how to go about it. My easy-going and legitimately curious self (I've lost interest in most yet again, yet crave the small talk, oddly) would have done fine, and I do hope that that part of me will return and that it wasn't some odd confluence of hormones that aren't liable to return when and if I stabilize.
I understand the advice to push myself into the social arena, and I'm the first to advocate hard knocks and tough love. The trouble is that I really find the idea of potentially making people uncomfortable hateful. It's odd: when I was feeling confident during this reboot, my own moral sensibilities morphed a bit, too. I found myself having thoughts that said it was all right to say something if it potentially made someone happy--and that if it was received poorly it was self-evidently the result of their own personal issues. Then again, I felt like James Bond the whole time and permitted myself to interact, because I felt that I couldn't make people uneasy. Now, I feel that I shouldn't talk to people if I'm going to make them uncomfortable, as I know I will, judging from the tense muscles and racing thoughts.
This missive is a bit more disorganized than the last, though I hope that it will be a useful window--and hopefully, eventual footnote--into my madness for those undergoing longer than average reboots.
Before signing off, I would add that I just feel a torrent of new emotions flooding in my head, and I've no ability to make sense of any of them--I don't know what to do with these feelings and it feels like there's a constant primal yawl in my mind. I found the reboot a delightful idea because it offered me a firm goal to pursue: endure discomfort for an indeterminate number of days and my brain will sort an awful large portion of the mess out. Of course, I've been experimenting with new activities to challenge my mind and encourage neuroplasticity to expedite recovery and keep my preoccupied, as well as finding outlets to vent my frustration and procure my dopamine fix: exercise, more cerebral activities, and what-not. But, bearing in mind my minimal number of sexual experiences (four, to be precise), and the fact that I wasn't able to ejaculate in three of those cases, nor enjoy the experience overly much--as well as judging from the length of time--I feel as though a typical recovery is not forthcoming, and that I need to do something more. If only there was some target I could aim for, some summit to scale--I'd carry on merrily. Of course, I intend to see this through (success being defined as the forming of a healthy, intimate relationship with enjoyable intercourse), but in a curmudgeonly fashion, more than likely.
Also, I'd like to add that I appreciated the feedback everyone has given before--I'd normally chide the notion, but I will admit that I find the support very helpful and comforting. Thank you all.