Found a cuddle buddy but still no erections from cuddling

Submitted by fixme on
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Hello,

This summer, i had sex several times with limited success. I used Cialis and got erections with oral/manual stimulation, got the condom on, but had a lot of premature ejaculation. I recently found a cuddle buddy and we have spent several days in the last week cuddling and sleeping. It's been nice and there has been no pressure to have sex.

However, I am still not getting erections from cuddling and holding like I used to (10 years ago). I am attracted to this girl, physically and emotionally.

I will continue to cuddle with her but I think that it will get physical sooner or later. Ideally, I'd like to get erections from cuddling or kissing first but that isn't happening. Should I keep cuddling or just try to have as sex and work on my ED/PE problems? My therapist thinks that my ED/PE problems are all due to anxiety. However, when we are cuddling, I have no anxiety since I know it won't lead to anything.

Comments

i would just keep cuddling

1. are you avoiding all porn?

2. are you avoiding fantasy?

I think keeping what you are doing up is probably a good idea as you wait for spontaneous erections to start. I wouldn't try to have sex and force things. It is quite possible to practice soft entry though and a lot of time your penis will become hard. But it's really best not to focus on it as an objective. 

1. are you avoiding all porn?

1. are you avoiding all porn?

Yes, I haven't watched porn in over a year (about 14 months).

2. are you avoiding fantasy?

I avoid sexual fantasy as much as possible but sometimes think about kissing or sex with girls I know. I try to stop thinking about it when I catch myself.

Sounds like I should just continue to cuddle but I don't know how long that can happen before we start getting physical. Maybe a month at most?

Also, I masturbate once every few weeks. Emerson, I know you mentioned that you thought I should stop all mastrubation for another 90 days and I'm thinking about trying that again.

getting physical is probably a great idea

yeah, quitting masturbation for a bit might really help. 

And, getting physical is great. It will probably help you a lot. And...what I'd be concerned about, is not having performance pressure. If you have shared your past with your cuddle buddy, that is all the better. And not expecting anything one way or another, and being okay without an erection if that's what the plan is...that makes it so fine...because it is good no matter what happens.

 

fixme wrote:

[quote=fixme] However, I am still not getting erections from cuddling and holding like I used to (10 years ago). 
...
Ideally, I'd like to get erections from cuddling or kissing first but that isn't happening.[/quote]You are the you of today. Why measure yourself against some former you?

Any ideal might create anxiety or at least a goal. If you keep cuddling, your body will work fine when the time is right. Does she know about your concerns? No pressure to have sex isn't the same as reassurance that erections are not entirely within yours or her control. PE can be a result of tension. If you relax more, it might help.

I have not told her about my

I have not told her about my issues. I am starting to feel comfortable enough with her to tell her that I have anxiety about sex from past relationships and that I want to take things slowly without any performance pressure. I don't think I'd mention porn-induced ED or anything of that sort as I feel like many girls would find that strange.

Will continue to cuddle, quit masturbation for 30 days, and try to progress slowly. I am hoping that this will work but I seem to be a very cerebral person so I get caught up in my thoughts a lot.