Today was day 13 for me. It was a hard day.
Whereas the last few days saw me being more social at work, more confident with people, and more optimistic in general...today I couldn't shake off the stink of insecurity and anti-social awkwardness.
With the women at work, I am usually friendly and easy to talk to. I'm making a point to start more conversations and be a warm, funny co-worker.
But there are a few girls that seem to trigger the 'creepy' vibe that I'm trying to lose.
These are the cute girls. Though I'm not actually attracted to them, I know they have the 'cute girl' status, and for some reason, they show up, and I go from normal, open and confident, to closed off, quiet and creepy. (queue Twilight Zone music)
I don't get it! I've been doing so well recently. And I'm not even attracted to them. There's just a chemical reaction that happens when they're near.
Hearing them laughing with the other guys, hearing everyone joking and having a great time, seeing how easy it is for them to banter about nonsense and giggle about it takes me back to where I was before when I was a PMO troll.
It's like knowing you smell really bad but can't do anything about it, while everyone around you can smell it and does their best to be polite and not say anything.
I had hoped that 13 days would mean I'm far enough away from PMO that I don't go back to being the creep.
I hate being the creep.
But I also had some really nice moments today. Can't forget those moments.
Tomorrow is 2 weeks! And the weekend! Hallelujah!! (queue Handel music)