Exes and triggers

Submitted by freedom on
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The topic of prior partners/dates/exes/etc. and triggers comes up from time to time. I've noticed this can be a pattern for me. I've not been able to fully tease this apart. I can't tell if it's something about who she was that triggers me or something about who I am or how I handled my part of the relationship. While a new relationship would smooth over some of this, I'm curious as to how to understand this better. At times, it fades and then out of nowhere it all comes back in some new variant. She's a real person and yet the fantasy aspects seem less healthy than fantasy involving a new potential partner due to the baggage and retrospective aspects. I try not to fight fantasy because the nature of the fantasy can be useful in understanding my internal state. Perhaps I'm finally admitting my deeper feelings for her that I didn't properly express due to not wanting the relationship on the same terms as she desired.

There may be some connection to where my life was at in other areas at the time I was seeing her. In some ways, I'm now in a better place and yet in others I'm worse off. Neither place was great.

Comments

Its probably not something you can really pinpoint exactly.

Its probably a collage of a lot of things. One thing with exes is that you always long for what you dont have, no matter how good or bad it was. Its like your car. Most of the time you dont really give it a second thought, yet when it breaks down you cant bear being without it, either because its something you really cherish (love) or becuase you just cant live without the use of it(sex). The other thing is that it was a real life relationship and there are many memories you have stored in your brain about it (and youlll probably blur out the bad ones) so that gives it presidence over fantasies and triggers of UNreal 2d ones.
I also think it really depends on the individual and how the relationship was. If it was based heavily on sex than most of the time when you think back to it its the sex your really missing more than anything. If it was based on real love and you got hurt than that can be something else totally different. I think what gets us going more than anything is the "idea" of our exes. The idea of them is totally different than what they really are.
I think when we reboot the ex triggers come back more because we are depriving ourselves of any 2d women so real women of our past and past sexcapades can be the only thing we hang on to that can deepen our withdrawal.
To probably really understand this you would probably have to talk it over with a therapist or something like that because every individual is different and everyones story is different. Moving on from it just takes time and not giving it as much importance. I get what your saying about not pushing away the triggers but at the same time it doesnt help to give it too much importance in your present. I think the longer time you put away from it the more the memories fade and the more they will become like 2d memories and will lose their power over you.

No real sexcapades to deal

No real sexcapades to deal with here. Some opted out of ones that can be perhaps as triggering. I've not had a sex based relationship. I'm also not sure I've had a love based one. I've gotten hurt so at least trust was on the line. I understand what you're saying. Obviously real-life, even if past, is a strong trigger when there is a vacuum of nothing. I might randomly think of women I dated even once. Obviously, not as strongly as women that I spent more time with. The growth process also seems to dredge these unlived lives up as I begin to integrate how I might have done things differently.

I guess this process is a lot better than porn. I'd rather feel old feelings if I'm going to bother with non-present stimulation in some form.

Do you see this as a withdrawal symptom? I know some older folks not into PMO who certainly ponder old relationships from time to time. Maybe it's a form of fantasy for them. It's hard to know where the normal (but perhaps unhealthy) human origin process blurs into the extreme.