We're such mysteries. Whatever shifted early this year sent me down a journey of seeking dopamine in what I guess might be a less traditional or non-genital masturbating context. There need not be any orgasm involved, though it sometimes happens. There's not really a fantasy. It sometimes doesn't involve the penis. It's shifted around, probably for novelty reasons. I suspect I'm getting an even larger dopamine hit than with porn. Though perhaps not because to some extent body-based masturbation isn't bad. It's hard to know given the trickiness of self-observation. Can someone get on developing a dopamine meter?
It's been interesting to watch how readily, suddenly, and strongly these behavior changes can occur. If I could get my brain to apply such effort toward women or other productive things, life might dramatically change. I've got no idea what drives my resistance. These addictive behaviors are perhaps a window into my inner enemy's world. Maybe this process indicates I'm not entertained enough in my daily activities. Or maybe it's a necessary learning stage. I've not excessively fought it. I'm not sure whether to resist or just keep watching.
Maybe I have to treat the dopamine seeking part like another person and assert what I want in advance. That's tricky if I don't know what I want which is perhaps a feeder element of addictive behavior. I can be too easy about deferring to others' preferences. I'm caught in a war such that even my body is complaining with various aches and muscle spasms. If I can get brutally honest, maybe I can surrender to my dopamine master.