The abyss between the extremes seems to a bit too bumpy for me to find adequate centeredness. I’m emotionally watching as I feel joy, sadness, or whatever else comes up during the day. It seems that anxiety and other stress responses are triggered while swinging between these dualities. It’s more joyful to feel not-joy than the numb and wild middle. That’s progress it seems as I’m wiring to bring self and no self together. However, this middle is often somewhat awful now, perhaps because it seems to be a form of out of control flight. Maybe I’ve got resistance to this out of control feeling while the extremes offer more certainty be they positive or negative. Is there a dopamine peak at the extremes and low in between? I suspect this oscillating is somehow tied into an emotional eating mode I’ve found myself in for a short while.
What role the eating is playing or how exactly this pattern got triggered isn’t clear. I’m trying to dig at whatever is coming up as I seem in some ways to be in a good state despite the eating and ongoing other roughness in my life. I’m going to have to burn some of these added calories somehow. Typing at a keyboard isn’t going to cut it.