I have a pattern of handicapping myself. I’m trying to understand that more to figure out what is going on and what I might want to do about it. It comes up with regard to abstinence, but also in life generally. This is perhaps a deeper issue than discipline that I’ve blogged about before. There is a battle between disciplined parts that leaves me externally a mess. I can’t recall when it started, but it’s been a long-term pattern. Although subtle and not always easy to see the war, I’m often aware of it in one way or another. I don’t know what the purpose is.
I feel a weird energy lately that seems new. I’ve had my share of withdrawal before so I’m confused. I’m in the thick of withdrawal time-wise, but this feels different. I felt something coming before my last relapse and at that point of roughly a month, I would have had reasonable clarity. It doesn’t feel like anxiety in the sense that it seems more active and heart centered and less withdrawing and gut centered. It waxes and wanes throughout the day and through it all I’m actually quite tired, sleeping more than usual, but perhaps resting less.
It’s been a strange year with things happening beyond my control that might have directly contributed to slowing down progress here and in life in general. Concussions don’t help brain plasticity and addiction control. Who can really know for sure? Overall, I’m not sure where I am. Some changes I’ve undertaken made this easier and others perhaps harder. It’s tough to guess where I’ll be next year, but at least I know where I’ve been. It’s interesting to revisit by notes to compile this data. The progress is apparent, but so is the lack of progress.
How much do others contemplate who we happen to meet and what is to be learned from each meeting? I think one aspect of dating (and maybe life in general) is that I get loud messages from small details and that information can make processing life in the present trickier. It isn't that I can't be present as I'm intensely present with people, but that there's a delay in coming up to speed. I can see myself literally being too slow to chase a right partner. It will be likely be ok because ultimately a right partner won't vanish on me.
I was going to rant a bit about online dating but that’s not going to be productive. I’ve got a bit of a pattern that exists both in real life and in the online dating world. I can generate enough interest to get interaction going, but the only time anything progresses overall seems to be when the woman initiates. Even in real life, it could be that I’ll say something a woman latches onto and then that can lead to interesting discussions. I've crafted my online profile for that to happen and it has, but I wouldn't yet call that a great success.
I'm not exactly sure how to pose this. I seem to have clicked back toward the mode I was in when I abstained for four plus months. That's good because it's been not so great in the between state. I can tell from the nature of my dreams and how they can incorporate a karezza-esque experience combined with how I'm doing during the day and relating to others. It's not perfect, but a tad better. Karezza fantasy sounds almost nuts, but others have noticed dream-based karezza fantasy so I'm not alone.
I’ve been pondering this for a variety of reasons. The common notion is that partners got lucky. Some, including the pickup community, say that is nonsense and that with enough active work, one can gain more personal selectivity. I agree more with the PUA folks in the sense that by broadcasting more true self, one will attract different partners. Does that really lead to more control/selectivity as opposed to just a more suitable sample?
How much do passions and goals matter both in finding a partner and maintaining a relationship? This is spoken about all over the place, but it doesn’t seem well substantiated. Perhaps it is code like many things for how much money and thus commoditized value someone earns/has. Goallessness can be negative, but I’m not sure it is inherently so. Few have no goals, but many have goals they don’t want to share. Some people are generalists and don’t intend to become expert or *rise* by delving deeper into any one thing.
I’ve been thinking about Gary’s thread http://www.reuniting.info/node/9508. Folks are here for different reasons. Reboot can be boiled down to resolving ED by improving brain balance or it can be deeper where one tries to rewire core characteristics and circumstances that led to PMO use proclivity in the first place. If one thinks of this as a side of a bell curve, getting that residual growth as one shifts more standard deviations from the mean takes a lot more work than getting the initial benefit from less brain stimulation.
Despite having much too much to do, I found myself playing this silly video game yesterday. I'm not even sure how many hours I wasted. I'm not generally a gamer. I finished the game only to get that familiar feeling from the past when the boot screen flashes at the end telling me I'm welcome to go through the cycle again. Orgasm-esque, but no thanks. It's eerily analogous to daily life which we begin anew each day. Toward the end I was mostly playing to observe myself.