I had a moment today where I missed my old self. I felt a bit sad about that. Maybe there is a morning period. I'm not sure if I miss the way I was or if this is a higher level missing of my old coping mechanisms. It sort of came out of nowhere when I got some candy because I hadn't had a chance to eat any dinner yet at that point. It sort of felt like my old self wanted the candy and I was willing to placate him in the way one placates a child. After all, he's been good and hasn't made too much trouble lately. It feels a bit neurotic to see myself as multiple selves.
My entire life I've been rather undisciplined in many respects. Short of joining the military what can I do to even attempt to be more disciplined? Or should I forget it and accept that I'm never going to be disciplined?
I'm confused between the conventional wisdom that calls for self improvement and the other view that says just be what you are and shape the world to suit your talents. I'm a lot better at being than becoming. Perhaps I need to rethink what discipline means in my world. Maybe I'm very disciplined in another form than the typical.
I'm all too familiar with the two week mark. 6-8 weeks has eluded me. I've done a month or so a few times. I'm wondering what happens out there in my future. I'm going to get there despite it being tough at times lately physically due to feeling full and sensitive and otherwise due to life. I'm soft targeting the end of the year which I think will be about 8 weeks (I'm not counting or checking at the moment). If I survive finals, I'll have a decent chance. I'm trying to just be and by being get going.
I've noticed a bit of a trend for me. More prospective partners tend to be less deep. I can't really connect with them. Deeper people are less social like me. However, I worry if we would ever leave the house. Maybe that is ok too. I think that worry is not well founded because deep people have lots of interests and those interests can lead to socialization of some sort even without many friends. If I don't have many friends now, maybe it is mistake to think I would even want that through a partner.
How can I know if I'm making my stress level worse by my actions or if the external stressors are much greater at that moment? Can I learn to dial stress out? I think not entirely because my body needs these cues. Today was supposed to run along some sort of plan, but I ended up getting too stressed when a bunch of unexpected things happened. It was silly and I'm still coming down from it a bit. In the moment, I was struggling to figure out if I was getting stressed by my thinking or the outside world. Whatever I tried to do at the time didn't seem to help much.
One ongoing motivation for me in addressing anything that PMO has been masking in my life is the hope of finally finding something I actually want to do. It might sound strange given that I have professional degree and I’m in school again for a different professional degree, but I haven’t the foggiest clue what I want to do. I think I want to do what I’m currently in school for less and less which isn’t a good place to be in terms of academic performance, financially, etc.
I saw a commercial for http://isitlowt.com and immediately wondered if they (Solvay Pharmaceuticals, Inc., now part of Abbott Laboratories) even considered a porn or orgasm connection? Drug pushers fighting natural drugs with man made ones. No wonder so many of us are zombies.
[It's been a strange day today with several highs and lows. I'm observing what I don't understand. Hopefully, this isn't too much like babble.]
I know almost nothing about chakras. I’ve tried to learn, but the info I’m finding is confusing. I don’t have a specific interest yet in the chakras , but I thought they might explain my observations.
I’ve made the following observations by experimenting on myself. I’ve used palm touching on various areas of my body and observe. I’m now taking it a step further to use just the palm to say massage a tight neck instead of the fingers which one traditionally would use. The physical pressure is less, but the energy seems higher. It’s quite fascinating.
Not only am I mentally all over the place lately, but I find I'm a little too busy socially. It takes a lot of time and psychic energy to date and build relationships. Maybe I'm just weak muscled or more introverted than some. I'm enjoying it, but I've got other stuff to get done. Is there any harmony to be found in the maze of extremes? I miss doing nothing. I'm not yet motivated enough to get my work done so I can play. There used to be no need. Much interaction is online for now, but not all. Baby steps are still progress.