Well, it's been months since I was here last. In that time my husband has more than seven months of rebooting, abstaining from the porn, masturbation and orgasm (PMO) cycle, under his belt. We haven't stuck to karezza totally but we do keep coming back to it for a variety of reasons. And our marriage is light years away from when I wrote my first post, feeling so sad that I didn't have the allure of a cat. http://www.reuniting.info/blogs/fupornwife/newcomer-wishing-i-had-allure...
On the karezza side of things, we did try the exchanges and aiming for more gentle intercourse for a while, but we haven't stayed there. We have been mostly finding our own way and the only rule we've stuck to is no orgasm. And we haven't even stuck to that really! As I said, we've gone through time periods when we were both Oing. But more than just that, I only spent about a month abstaining from orgasm. My husband, on the other hand, has done 40 days, 90 days and then about 30 more days. We had a little accident and now are starting again, with him abstaining. I am also thinking I will also join him but as I am sure most of you well understand, once you get off the karezza train, it's is tricky to reboard. Worth the effort though!
The reason we've just stuck to only him abstaining is mostly due to the fact that he is a PMO addict in recovery. When he orgasms, we both do notice that he slips back into the brain fog. He starts feeling much more tired, has trouble waking up, struggles to concentrate when listening to me and at work and seems to be more down on himself and defensive. It appears to be cumulative. One isn't that bad. But one tends to lead to more and more gets worse and worse.
I do feel very glad we both started out abstaining from orgasm. I don't believe I would have gained nearly as much from the experience if it had been just him.
1. I did notice I do also struggle with mood after an orgasm, but it's not as noticeable as with my husband.
2. It increased the physical sensations I feel. The main thing is that I never used to orgasm from intercourse, only direct clitoral stimulation. Now I experience so much more pleasure from intercourse. I easily have multiple orgasms from intercourse and the internal contractions and fluid gushing provides a lot of pleasure to my husband that he didn't feel before. Obviously this isn't the point of karezza, but this is where our journey took us. Karezza to more tantric sex, I suppose?
3. We both learned that good sex isn't, as we thought before, all about the almighty O. We stopped the frantic focus on the O and learned to enjoy the journey.
4. If I hadn't experienced it for myself I never would have believed what it's like to experience that "I'm done" feeling after sex contrasted with not reaching that place and feeling as if it could go on for hours. (Three hours one time, in fact.) To stop and talk a while and then start again. To only finally leave the bedroom, not because anyone feels done, but because it's time to use the bathroom, eat or move on to another activity. It's an amazing feeling.
The other thing is that my husband has been experimenting with orgasm without ejaculation. This is the karezza website, so that's not exactly karezza, but I thought I'd mention it. Our experience is that if he is able to control ejaculation fully with his pelvic muscles, he can experience multiple orgasms without leaking any fluid, he does not experience the brain fog. If he does leak, even a little, he describes it this way: "I am not sure what it is, but I feel different, as if there was some sort of loss." If he does not ejaculate, however, he says: "the pleasure lasts longer and it seems as though it spreads throughout your body rather than just in the one place."
Again, we're probably getting away from true karezza here, but that's where we are at. And, considering how much better he feels when he Os without E, it does bring up a question in my mind. Is the problem really orgasm? Or is it ejaculation? Or is what he feeling when he doesn't ejaculate, much like what I feel during intercourse, not really a true orgasm? Regardless, what we are doing now works for us and is helping him immensely in his reboot as well as repairing our marriage, so we are happy.
Speaking of being happy. The progress my husband has been able to make is simply amazing. He's been working to talk about his emotions, communicate more effectively in general and is much more loving towards me. One HUGE example may not seem to be such a big deal, but in the past few weeks he's been able to hug me while I am crying with no prompt and it feels like a real impulse from him rather than a robotic, I have been told I must do this so I am doing it, thing. This is amazing for me!! He is currently working to shut down ALL fantasies and any porn flashbacks. Not only is his dedication amazing but it appears to be working. I'm so proud of him!
We still struggle occasionally. I am frequently triggered to extreme anger due to my needs being ignored for 12 years of marriage. So if he's tired or struggling to communicate I assume old him is back, even if it's on a subconscious level, and get very angry. He responds by withdrawing, which of course scares me even more and I get more angry. But lately we have even been able to stop mid cycle and say, hey, this is us getting triggered. I'm sorry, let's stop and look at what happened. We have a long way to go still, but even that is such a huge improvement from where we were!