starting to see color back in my line. it's not fully there yet. I'm more relaxed and content. The anxiety and depression has left. A few days ago I felt genuinely capable of fulfilling my goals...that has since left a bit, but I'm still content. I did several things recently that helped me immensely in my journey - I opened up to friends.
I told my brother that porn for me is like coke and that I need him to check up on me. I also told him that I struggle with depression and have for several years. I think that I'm prone to it, and the porn brings it out even more. I also opened up to him about my fears and reservations in relationships.
I told my ex, who is a good friend about my relationship anxiety and she cleared it up for me. I told my sister about my problems as well, and she was very supportive and understanding. Of course, these people are very close to me and trust worthy.
Finally, I spoke to the girl I'm seeing. Yes, she was ignoring me. But she was doing it because that was her way of dealing with things when she gets overwhlemed. She said she didn't realize what she was doing until her grandma told her about it (her gma likes me). Anyway, I told her that if she needs space, that is fine with me. I opened up to her about my past relationship problems and how it has made me cautious. It felt like a ton of bricks lifted. I feel capable of actually connecting with her. My anxiety has been replaced with genuine feelings. When i don't see her, i don't get anxious, i just miss her a bit, but I am still able to carry on with my day without anxiety. i feel like we've connected more deeply since we were able to open up a bit, and I'm glad. I feel like a different person with her now. Before, I was cold and reserved, but now I feel content and happy. She makes me smile, and get nervous. She always told me that I gave her butterflies, and I was worried because I didn't feel this immediatley. But since i've let go of a lot of things, I have been able to reciprocate her feelings. I feel protective of her, and concerned about how she is doing.
When she goes out with friends, I don't get anxious, I get happy that she's enjoying herself. I can say that this is the first girl I've been able to do this with without the fear and axiety. I think it's been a combination of recovery and opening up to loved ones. I can't wait to see her again! Her smile charms me, and I think about it a lot. And I love it when she tells me about her day. Before, I thought it was just boring details -but now I feel like I'm sharing her experience. In any case, I feel like I can be myself around her.
My libido goes up and down still. I had some cravings over the weekend that I did not yield to. I have not even seen one image since I started this reboot (a first for me). I can say surely that this has been the most successful reboot to date. I can have sex with her, and I get turned on when she's near me, or holds my hand. I feel close to her when she opens up to me. It's just awesome. I feel like I still have a long way to go in other areas, but this has seriously been the first real sign of progress.
On another note, I jerked it this morning (after 7 days abstinence) - pleasure rating was a 3/10 - just blah. So I know there is still a lot of work to be done.
I feel like I'm living more in the present. Before, I lived in the future. I would have grand plans to compensate for how bad I felt about myself, but I find myself becoming more content, but still moving toward the future. Anyway, just thought I'd let you guys know.