I'm learning a bunch. I've realized now that I'm getting close to someone - much of my insecurity comes from a previous relationship. I fell in love with someone, and after confessing that she loved me stop talking to me the next day. She was seeing someone else. The day after she told me that she loved me. It hurt. I've realized that with this girl, I'm always fearful that something similar will happen. I guess because I feel so strongly for her, and every time I've felt this way, something bad happens.
Letting go and letting things be is hard for me. Opening up myself is hard - because it hurt so much before. I think that if I open up, I'll be weak.
I haven't felt this way for someone in a long time, and I'm just plain afraid. My emotions were fluctuating so much because of this. I would question, doubt, and stuff.
Today, I discovered she felt really bad at work. I was in the area, and I had to see her to give her a hug. It was raining today, hard, and I didn't really know where she worked. So I spent 20 or 30 min running around in the rain looking for her. I found her, was overtaken, kissed her on the cheek and said it would be ok. It was weird, because I couldn't sit as long as I knew she felt so bad. So, yeah, this is all new to me. A lot of these emotions I can't control. When I was running to find her, there was no doubt in my mind that this was the right thing to do. It was as if you were questioning whether the sky was blue.
Anyway, last night was really, really hard. I was hit hard with insecurity, doubt, and anger. I became very angry at my own complacency. I have been slacking during this reboot. I kept asking "Why do I let the situations control me? I need to fight and exert influence in the other direction". I wasn't just thinking negatively, I was starting to see how my behavior patters have been bad. Great people don't sleep in, they don't just try things. They work, they are determined, and DO. I realized that I NEED to become great. I don't want to "make money". I want internal drive and determination - so at the end of the day, I can't say I gave it my all. I'm learning what that means.
So it was anger, but it led to a positive outcome. I've been distracted and complacent over the past few weeks. I'm angry that I couldn't even see this! But now I'm ready for anything. I have an interview tomorrow morning. I'm giving it everything! I'm giving life everything!
God, I'm so emotional and I don't know why.
NP 36 NMO 26
PS - 36 days has not seemed fast at all. I think "shit only 36?" Each day has been a fight in some way.