Today is good. I feel energetic, but it's not overpowering. I had some morning wood - first time in one week - and at 85%, but not for long. No desire to MO, but my lil guy felt like it was going to blow all on its own last night - and without an erection. Last night, I've resovled my feelings for the girl, and it feels great! I feel connected to her. I want to talk to her, sit next to her, and hold her. Sex isn't on my mind yet, but I just want to bond with her. Does this sound mushy? Fuck no, I'm a man and this is what I want and how I want to do this!
Looking back on the beginning of our physical relationship, I just looked like a sad desperate-for-sex fuck who had no respect for the girl I'm not falling deeply for. He just wanted to "do things" with her and to her. I feel dirty just thinking about it. I feel really dirty about it. But now, I feel right about it. I feel like I really respect her and what she feels. She told me she thought I might have just wanted sex. After doing a lot of soul-searching, and not being a sick-porn-addict-fuck anymore (who was numb to all emotions), I realized that I do just want her. Last night she sent me a pic of her before she went out - nothing explicit, just a simple pic of her. I felt cared for. She's been texting me here and there just to say hi. I like that, just saying "hi" for no reason. Before I had always thought I had to have a good reason for texting someone. But it doesn't feel taht way now.
Anyway, I just want to harness this extra energy into being more productive. I feel comfortable and calm with myself. I know I'm not 100% healed yet, but I'm so glad I've made it this far! I've been reaching out to friends of mine who also have this addiction and I've been trying to off support. They're going through the "lows" right now. Anyway, I feel pretty good. I dno't really get erections yet - but little by little.
I've been tempted to try to MO, but it just doesn't seem worth it. I barely remember what that feels like. I can't believe I did it so much. Like, why? I can feel so much more now. But I still have to be careful - the temptation to watch porn comes up still - but it's only fleeting. Sometimes I get a flashback of a scene, but I immediately use the Red X technique. I'm more spontaneous too - like I just went to practice piano and singing without really trying - I just did it. When there was no one else to hang out with, I went to the local cafe, red a book, and then went to a bar - alone. Was great. I'm getting more flirtatious looks, but I have no need to make anything of it. I can hold eye contact without trying - like it doesn't feel bad or tense at all. It's great.
Doing nothing is not the right approach to distracting yourself. Just go somewhere. I just left the house and read a book. Alone. I was off the laptop. It was nice. Called my brother, friends, etc just because I was bored. I never do this. The last time I called my bro was weeks ago. I should do that more. Anyway, yeah, that's it for now. Keep on guys!
33 NP / 23 NMO