So in my last entry, I noted that I felt like I was learning how to tell the difference between genuine attraction and just physical attraction. I had mentioned that I thought that always having porn in my life has prevented me from truly knowing what it means to feel for someone, without physical stuff. For me, the two things have always been one and the same.
However, I started to think more about this because I've been seeing a girl. Sometimes when I flatline, I feel no physical attraction or even "feelings". Some other users have mentioned that maybe that's because I'm only physically attracted to her, and not emotionally connected. I've been working on this. The criteria I've used to judge this is that when I'm flatlined, I'm not attracted to "any" girl - though they may be hot. So it's irrespective of whether or not I want to sleep with them.
Along these lines, I've noted something today. Something that provided a possible answer. I was sitting in a cafe and noticed that there were so many hot girls around (it's next to a uni). I would check them out and feel physical attraction. I made solid eye contact, etc. However, I didn't want to talk or flirt with them. I was just physically attracted. Later, at the gym, I noticed more hot girls. I thought it would be nice to bang them - but it was only a fleeting thought, and not a genuine desire. With one girl, I could even picture it. However, despite all these physical attractions, I have no desire to ask them out on a date. If a girl is flirting and giving me the eyes, I feel no need to get her number. I don't feel like I'm missing out.
What I have noticed is the desire to do those things is only with the girl I'm seeing. Although it didn't start out that way (I initially only wanted to bang her), the time we've spent bonding, talking, and getting to know eachother has really made the difference. For example, last night she had mentioned that she was at an airport via txt. She also said she was leaving this area for good. The next thing she said really moved me and felt very nice. She said "I have your luggage too! C'mon we're leaving." She said this playfully, but I felt emotionally drawn to her because she said that. It showed me that she was thinking of me. And not just in a sexual way, but in an emotional way. Like, she has showed me that she wants to be around me. She made me feel wanted. The more I've bonded with her, the better it's felt, and that has made all the difference.
Today I feel more emotional - there's like a sadness there. I realized a friend of mine is leaving me soon. Her leaving has triggered a reflection on how fast life moves, and has left me with a strong desire to experience the time I do have with someone I like.
A lot of guys here have said "it's day X, and I feel good, but I still down for some reason" I think this is an overanalyzation. Once we're fully balanced - it's natural to feel up and down sometimes! Enjoy it! Feel it! We've been so numb for so long. I sincerely appreciate feeling a bit sad now, because I would not have prior to this recovery. Good luck guys.