Relapse! Let's do this again. DAY 1

Submitted by getmeout on
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I kept edging towards a relapse. I guess I lost focus. Little by little I drifted. I will describe how this happened. I don't feel very bad about this - I just realized that it's part of the process. I don't think I'm starting from 0 - as my last reboot was nearly successful. I seemed to lose motivation when the girl I was seeing ended things. Weird, it was like a butterfly effect. Shortly after we ended things, I felt bad, resisted. But about one week later, a friend mentioned a review site for asian massage parlors. I read a few. I got turned on. I came in my pants without stimulation. I did the same thing the next day. I realized this was a problem, and I stopped it all together. However, about one week later, it crept up on me again. I started to lose sight of things, and I felt like I had to restart. So I did. And about one week later....I relapsed. I've been a bit depressed, likely due to withdrawal - I was coming out of withdrawals when this happened. I was sick, and I stood home on my computer.

Today I binged. 5 times. None of the hard stuff. What started it? I came across some images on reddit, and found myself searching for more. I found one or two, fantasized, and then came in my pants (without jerking it) - this led me to a binge today. I don't think all of the progress is erased. I didn't watch too hard stuff.Weird, but after the first time, I didn't get much out of it. I just felt an urge - but the urge was in my head. My dick wasn't hard, but I just felt an urge - so I did. I realized this was a warning sign - so I put my computer in my car....and retrieved 30 mins later. Ah well.

Today I woke up though. And over the weekend as well. I've been using the reboot as an excuse not to take care of the important things in my life. I kept telling myself "I'll just wait until the motivation hits me" - well, that's wrong to do. There are benefits from rebooting, but let those benefits be synergistic. Just because the motivation is gone or low - still push. Still move towards something. One personal exception for me is girls - they can wait until I heal. It's better this way. And if I find someone, great. But I'm not looking. Life is at a turning point for me right now. I'm realizing that things won't just happen. I'm going to have to make them happen. One thing I should note, since I got this all out there - is that the type of porn I used was animated porn - something I hadn't really liked. I did glimpse at the real stuff, but I didn't really get anything out of it. I saw a few images, but I didn't want to see real people - or real girls - getting banged. I don't know why, but it just seemed weird. Earlier today while I was browsing NSFW images (which led to this whole mess), I noticed that I didn't really enjoy/get off the images. Sure they were nice, but I didn't care for them. But regardless, I kept clicking and clicking.

So, I'm back on track. I must get this started again. But I've lost the reason for my initial reboot. I've lost myself actually. I'm starting to find me again. But I was lost for a long time (ever since I got back to this country). The girl I was with was just a mask for the problem - I realized that I felt so needy and reacted too strongly when she left because I was clinging onto that because I was so directionless. But now things are making more sense. Sex and love can wait. They will always be there.

PS - is there any reason why the site is down so much lately? If it's a matter of funds, I recommend setting up a way to make donations to the site - I would be more than willing to donate what I can to help out this community. Any other agree?