Renewal and Recovery (Day 39)

Submitted by getmeout on
Printer-friendly version

The girl and I are going to talk. I feel at peace, though I'm a little sad. I feel like I was able to let go and be better about all of this. It hurt and was very painful for a few days, but the pain is subsiding. I do not want to get even, I do not want to see other girls. I just want to sit, and feel, and let it all pass away. She will always hold a special place in my heart. I realized that I don't have to push her out like that. I'm not trying to "forget her". I do not regret this. To me, life is built on simple moments. I shared a few with her that I will always cherish. I'm accepting all of this as the way things will be. If it wasn't for the teaching of Alan Watts, I don't know where I'd be now. Let go and let things be the way they will be - don't try to exert your will on your reltionships. Don't try to get anything out of it.

I'm not trying to find another girl so I can forget about this one. That is not the way to go. I am reflecting, and learning. Though I'm sad, I am still dreaming. Sometimes life is sad, sometimes it hurts. During the two days when I was going through pain, I was in misery. But the misery lifted, and is lifting now. And now, after time, I can be her friend again, since we started as friends. And this experience I hope, will only strengthen that friendship. Because, friends, this is life, and it's short. Bitterness helps no one - it only makes people angry and it brings out the worst in them. Honesty and empathy are best. Don't disguise your emotions by being rude because you feel hurt or insecure - just be honest. No one will run away from you. I learned that reacting under pain is the worst you can do.

Girls are not what I'm looking for in this journey. Sex isn't the answer either. Just be - allow, and just be.

NP 39 NMO 29

Other notes:

I also learned that I'm able to control whether or not I will fantasize. The Red X technique is very useful. Fantasizing isn't too good during this process. I have no desire to be with girls right now. No physical attraction or emotional need. I just want to be away for a while and heal up.

EDIT: I thought I would be healed by now, but I'm just not. I thought nearly 40 days would do it, but there's so much more to go. I'm still flatlined, and I have no physical desire for women (or emotional).

Comments

13 X 3

Cheers to mutual day 39s!

In terms of relationships and experiences with women, I like to approach it very much in a style of embracing the moment. Since I have been recovering I have had some really awesome experiences with girls. Like one time I met a friend's friend's friend at a campout and we just roamed around through the forest and chatted all night. There was no physical contact at all. It was wonderful! Another time I met a girl at a party, we hung out and even slept together (no sex, just cuddling and kissing and stuff). After that night I was on cloud nine to the extreme.

In both of these circumstances, I would have loved to continue relationships with either of these girls, but things arose that prevented that from happening. And you know what? That's okay. It hurts, but it is okay. To me, each and every one of these deep one-on-one connections that I have with anyone, but more specifically women who I am attracted to, are really wonderful, glorious experiences that teach me a great deal about the many mysteries of life. I am incredibly blessed to have these spontaneous occurrences come about, and no matter what the future holds, I have these in my pocket. They help me feel alive!

Every relationship offers great insight into life. Going through a breakup, or moving on from a girl who one has become very close to is incredibly difficult. I feel your pain, and also commend you on your desire to keep a friendly relationship with her if possible. Keep up the awesome work you are doing. And your approach to "being" is exactly how I am trying to take it, too.

Stay strong!