Rebooting and Rewiring, rigth here, right now (59 days plan)

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Hi people, this is my first post and it's also the beginning of this "diary" where I plan to observe and analyze the changes that I’ll be (or expect to be) feeling through this process. One important thing first, I speak Spanish, so please be understanding and don't be grammar nazis. I’m really trying to write these in English so you understand and give me advice (and of course it could be helpful if you have the same problem).

First a brief summary of what is this all about. I've never had successful intercourse with a girl, there were at least 4 or 5 situation where I was in BED with a girl and nothing happened down there. It’s time for me to start a journal and document my progress. What is my objective? I am doing a trip to Colombia in 59 days; I will work during this period in rewiring my system and really connecting my feelings about girls with my libido. Colombia is the final exam, I will only be considering myself successful if I have sex with a chick or at least feel that my problem (including my HOCD problem) is gone by this time.

Let's get started. I think that I should tell you a little about me first. I’m 20 years old and I have a normal life, I use to be very methodic I suppose that’s why I study engineering and I like to work consciously in every aspect of my life, I set goals and stuff like that. Nowadays the sexual aspect has demonstrated to be tougher than the rest. If I want to improve in college (or university, I don’t know how you call it) I just start studying more, I try new study technics, if I want to have a better body, I start working out or/and eating healthier. However, the sexual aspect seems to be very difficult to work on, It’s like you are not sure of which ones are the best ways to deal with it and it’s hard to say if you are progressing or not.

Let’s talk about when I notice this problem. During my teenager time I started having interaction with girls, started hanging out and started being interested in sex. Eventually, I encountered myself intimating with girls but I have never been able to have sex with any of these chicks. First, at the age of 16 I used to have a relationship where for the first time I touched a girl and explored her body but I wasn’t able to get aroused. We only have intimacy a few times so I attributed my lack of sexual drive to my inexperience and nerves. Next, when I started going to parties I was having a lot more interactions with girls and again I have a few opportunities to have sex with a couple of them but I just didn’t get an erection. This time I attributed the problem to alcohol and lack of experience. When I was 19, I decided to pay for an escort, I was a bit nervous but I went to the encounter totally sober and decided to verify that I was perfectly capable of having sex with a chick. Guess what? AGAIN, I couldn’t. This was really annoying and depressing for me so I started looking for help in internet, I also thought that maybe I have a physical problem (I still think that this is possible). Fortunately, I found YBOP and I really thought that I had something good to try so almost instantaneously try to reboot. I don’t know how long I lasted because I didn’t have a diary or anything like that, but I reduced masturbation a lot. In 2012, I tried again and with renovated hope to overcome my problem, I started going to clubs a lot and getting a lot of contact with girls. One night I picked up a girl and we ended at her department I was terribly drunk and a bit nervous, but man… I had an attractive girl totally naked in my arms and my fellow down there was totally asleep!

After all my failed attempts to have sex my self-esteem was pulverized, it was reeeeally hard for me. I decided to stop with porn and masturbation for my own good. I started a 90 days plan, today is day 85 for me. It was hard at the beginning specially the first two months but I succeeded in avoiding masturbation. However, I have relapsed more or less three times but I have to admit that there were others practices that are as harmful as porn and masturbation are for this process. For example, edging (I mean masturbating until you are very near to ejaculate), or reading sex stories, or having “hot chats”. I think that these practices are too bad because you can perform them for long periods getting tons of dopamine and delaying the process of rewiring.

During these 85 days I strongly started to appreciate female beauty. I pay more attention to women in the streets, in the public transport, in the university, etc. My urge to be around them has increased a lot and I ‘m not absolutely sure that this is the reason but I’m doing a lot of progress in picking up girls, when I go out I approach in a more manly way and I like that. I didn’t mention before but I have a strong HOCD but I’m really dealing with it. Let’s say I’m 90% of the time thinking about hot and attractive girls and a 10% is taken by the HOCD, I can’t avoid getting really aroused when I go through some deep layers and the part of me that I’m trying to destroy takes control of me. It’s like this part don’t show very often but when it does it is very strong.

So, you may say ‘hey, what’s the problem dude? You are progressing’ but there is something that really annoys me. Look, I don’t have any problems getting an erection by myself and I have a lot of spontaneous boners but I have the strange feeling that my mind is disconnected of my dick. It is like when I’m seeing a hot girl I’m thinking ‘oh man that chick is ridiculously hot, I would really like to have some good times with her’, but down there nothing is happening. On the other hand, sometimes I have spontaneous erections in situation where there is nothing arousing me like when I’m waiting the bus (just an example).

My primarily objective is to truly rewire my system. I want my libido high when I need it. I want my mind and my penis working for me when the time is right. This problem has to reach an end; I just can’t have a healthy relationship if I don’t solve it. That’s why I’m going to start this journal, I am going to stop porn, fantasizing, edging, etc; and document every change, every feeling and every thought that I have during the next 59 days.

Thank you for reading.

Comments

Welcome

Your English is very good, so no worries there. Thanks for sharing your story.

I think you are exactly right about everything you say. This is a question of rewiring and it will take time. You trained your sexuality to pixels during key years of your development and your brain isn't sure what the target is. (Sounds like it is certainly figuring it out though!)

You are right that edging and fantasy are not helpful when you have porn-related ED. I know it's hard not to "test," but only "test" by seeing how you feel around  3-D women. As Gary says, "This is ultimately an addition to the artificial, instead of the real." So no pixels, no fantasy, no edging.

Lots of flirting, dancing, socializing with both friends and potential mates.

Here are some FAQs in case you didn't see them:

What if I masturbate (edge) or watch porn without orgasm?

What stimuli must I avoid during my reboot (did I relapse)?

You visited the HOCD page, right? The less you analyze or test, the better.

I'm straight, but attracted to transexual or gay porn. What's up?

Let us know how it goes. You're doing well.

Marnia,

Marnia,

You are right I have to give time to my brain to put things in order. However, it’s difficult to avoid feeling anxious from time to time.

Let me clarify one point. Sometimes I wasn’t testing, it’s like I’ve managed to reach high levels of pleasure without ejaculating. I’m totally conscious that this doesn’t help me at all, but there were some occasions where the need was so bad that I preferred to do that in order to avoid the old fashioned masturbation. Anyway, I’m being more careful in this new stage.

I’m not sure if I read that articles but I am totally doing it.

Thank you very much for commenting.

Yes, anxiety

seems especially bad for anyone with OCD tendencies. (Those same tendencies are probably helping you in other areas of your life, though!)

So do what you can to find daily practices that reduce anxiety. On this forum, guys often recommend vigorous exercise, time in nature, meditation, socializing and lots of other ideas that can be found here: http://yourbrainonporn.com/solo-tools

Finding what works for you during this tough time may serve you well when you're under other kinds of stress later in life.

Check out the solo practices for circulating sexual energy. See if they get better results (in terms of anxiety reduction) than whatever it was you were doing. WinkEnergy Circulation Practices

welcome

I think the 59 days is a good thing to aim for but I wouldn't make that the goal. I think it can create too much pressure that isn't healthy.

One mistake guys make who are obsessing about their erections (and I get this, I've done it too!) is to mentally test...when they see a sexy girl, they focus their attention on their penis and whether they have a "semi" erection or not.

This isn't helpful.

You really only know if things are working if you actually go to bed with a girl, or have an intense make-out session or something like that. It is quite normal to have no feelings of a semi erection in your penis just seeing a pretty girl, and other times to have one for no real reason. 

The truth is, men don't have control over whether they GET an erection or KEEP it. They only can bring an erection down (by thinking of something not sexy). That's how it is. So erections are beyond your control, like your heart beating for instance.

And, the truth is, that the penis has its own life. It's like it's a separate person. As soon as you realize this, you can relax. And relaxation helps erections more than anything else.

Relax and you will have erections when the time comes.

Meanwhile, the idea of eliminating dopamine-creating things like fantasty, erotic stories, sexual thoughts, and especially edging, is very helpful. 

AND, more than anything else now, being with a girl and cuddling and snuggling and kissing, even without sex, is extremely beneficial. Is there a prospect of that between now and your trip?

Emerson,

Emerson,

WOW, the topic “to get or not to get an erection” has been in my head for a long time. Actually, I’ve been doing exactly what you described. It really takes a lot of pressure off what you are telling to me. For example, it’s very common for me to be in the gym (or any public place) when a hot girl appears and I feel really bad if I don’t see any reaction of my body. That really pisses me off. However, now I’m going to be more comprehensive with my body.

Working in this project with a girl by my side wasn’t actually my first priority. My logic was first I "fix" me then I start having healthy relationships. Please don’t misunderstand me, I don’t really think that I’m broken haha or something like that but I do believe that sex (or sexual connection) is very important for a couple to work properly. Anyway, taking into account that you and Marnia suggested to take advantage of the benefits that having a partner can bring, I will seriously reconsider the next steps.

One thing more, I know that I don’t have to see my trip as the goal. It is more like a point where I decide to look back and analyse if I'm actually progressing, like the end of a stage.

Thank you a lot, you and Marnia are being very helpful.

yes you have the right idea

the sooner you can be with real women, cuddling and kissing or whatever, the better.

The reason guys don't do this, is because they fear what will happen when the girl wants sex.

It's possible to be with women and not put yourself into a "must perform" mode. That way, you can do things to make her happy and satisfied and not put pressure on yourself. For this to happen you have to forget one night stands, and look for a girl you can enjoy, be with, and have some non-sexual contact skin on skin. You can tell her you want to take it slow. You want to enjoy her beauty. Snuggling and cuddling is amazing, actually.

This will help your brain rewire and you will find that you may be getting good spontaneous erections at that point. You can enter her then, without expecting anything, just as an experiment. The key is to have a girl that is not just a fling, but someone who wants to get to know you and be a girlfriend rather than a one night stand.

That is quite possible!

Well done

On the progress you've made.

It's good to speak about the stuff that bothers you as much as you safely can. There's a degree of emotional openess that goes with sexuality which is very healing and is an important part of a plan to reboot.

One more thing: I find obsessing over this or that is part of the sex instinct trying to manipulate me into PMO. I try to discern between obsessing and really facing up to this.