Hi people, this is my first post and it's also the beginning of this "diary" where I plan to observe and analyze the changes that I’ll be (or expect to be) feeling through this process. One important thing first, I speak Spanish, so please be understanding and don't be grammar nazis. I’m really trying to write these in English so you understand and give me advice (and of course it could be helpful if you have the same problem).
First a brief summary of what is this all about. I've never had successful intercourse with a girl, there were at least 4 or 5 situation where I was in BED with a girl and nothing happened down there. It’s time for me to start a journal and document my progress. What is my objective? I am doing a trip to Colombia in 59 days; I will work during this period in rewiring my system and really connecting my feelings about girls with my libido. Colombia is the final exam, I will only be considering myself successful if I have sex with a chick or at least feel that my problem (including my HOCD problem) is gone by this time.
Let's get started. I think that I should tell you a little about me first. I’m 20 years old and I have a normal life, I use to be very methodic I suppose that’s why I study engineering and I like to work consciously in every aspect of my life, I set goals and stuff like that. Nowadays the sexual aspect has demonstrated to be tougher than the rest. If I want to improve in college (or university, I don’t know how you call it) I just start studying more, I try new study technics, if I want to have a better body, I start working out or/and eating healthier. However, the sexual aspect seems to be very difficult to work on, It’s like you are not sure of which ones are the best ways to deal with it and it’s hard to say if you are progressing or not.
Let’s talk about when I notice this problem. During my teenager time I started having interaction with girls, started hanging out and started being interested in sex. Eventually, I encountered myself intimating with girls but I have never been able to have sex with any of these chicks. First, at the age of 16 I used to have a relationship where for the first time I touched a girl and explored her body but I wasn’t able to get aroused. We only have intimacy a few times so I attributed my lack of sexual drive to my inexperience and nerves. Next, when I started going to parties I was having a lot more interactions with girls and again I have a few opportunities to have sex with a couple of them but I just didn’t get an erection. This time I attributed the problem to alcohol and lack of experience. When I was 19, I decided to pay for an escort, I was a bit nervous but I went to the encounter totally sober and decided to verify that I was perfectly capable of having sex with a chick. Guess what? AGAIN, I couldn’t. This was really annoying and depressing for me so I started looking for help in internet, I also thought that maybe I have a physical problem (I still think that this is possible). Fortunately, I found YBOP and I really thought that I had something good to try so almost instantaneously try to reboot. I don’t know how long I lasted because I didn’t have a diary or anything like that, but I reduced masturbation a lot. In 2012, I tried again and with renovated hope to overcome my problem, I started going to clubs a lot and getting a lot of contact with girls. One night I picked up a girl and we ended at her department I was terribly drunk and a bit nervous, but man… I had an attractive girl totally naked in my arms and my fellow down there was totally asleep!
After all my failed attempts to have sex my self-esteem was pulverized, it was reeeeally hard for me. I decided to stop with porn and masturbation for my own good. I started a 90 days plan, today is day 85 for me. It was hard at the beginning specially the first two months but I succeeded in avoiding masturbation. However, I have relapsed more or less three times but I have to admit that there were others practices that are as harmful as porn and masturbation are for this process. For example, edging (I mean masturbating until you are very near to ejaculate), or reading sex stories, or having “hot chats”. I think that these practices are too bad because you can perform them for long periods getting tons of dopamine and delaying the process of rewiring.
During these 85 days I strongly started to appreciate female beauty. I pay more attention to women in the streets, in the public transport, in the university, etc. My urge to be around them has increased a lot and I ‘m not absolutely sure that this is the reason but I’m doing a lot of progress in picking up girls, when I go out I approach in a more manly way and I like that. I didn’t mention before but I have a strong HOCD but I’m really dealing with it. Let’s say I’m 90% of the time thinking about hot and attractive girls and a 10% is taken by the HOCD, I can’t avoid getting really aroused when I go through some deep layers and the part of me that I’m trying to destroy takes control of me. It’s like this part don’t show very often but when it does it is very strong.
So, you may say ‘hey, what’s the problem dude? You are progressing’ but there is something that really annoys me. Look, I don’t have any problems getting an erection by myself and I have a lot of spontaneous boners but I have the strange feeling that my mind is disconnected of my dick. It is like when I’m seeing a hot girl I’m thinking ‘oh man that chick is ridiculously hot, I would really like to have some good times with her’, but down there nothing is happening. On the other hand, sometimes I have spontaneous erections in situation where there is nothing arousing me like when I’m waiting the bus (just an example).
My primarily objective is to truly rewire my system. I want my libido high when I need it. I want my mind and my penis working for me when the time is right. This problem has to reach an end; I just can’t have a healthy relationship if I don’t solve it. That’s why I’m going to start this journal, I am going to stop porn, fantasizing, edging, etc; and document every change, every feeling and every thought that I have during the next 59 days.
Thank you for reading.