A Great Regret

Submitted by healthiertimes on
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I broke up with my girlfriend last September. She was my first girlfriend and my first sex. I was 37. I was feeling overwhelmed by a great many factors, so I decided I needed space. It feels like this was huge mistake.

Recently, I had been journaling about how I wanted her back and finally spoke to her about this. I laid everything on the line; I even told her I was a virgin before we met. She was extremely cold with me; she's moving on with her life. She has a date this Friday. She explained how she had been angry and cried herself to sleep for two month. The coldness was the hardest part to take and shocking; she had been someone so warm and so desiring of me before.

Now I feel devastated. It hurts even further because I'm the one who made the initial breakup. Now the relationship appears impossible and I feel like I've been dumped. I'm scared that I will never have another like her; she was beautiful, sexy, smart, patient, nonjudgmental of all my problems. She seemed to adore me. She wanted to move faster than I felt comfortable and it scared me, so I broke up with her. Now I wish to God I hadn't. This is one of the most painful moments of my life.

Part of my emotional challenge is that I'm on day 3 now of no PMO. I was going strong in the new year, but masturbated with porn to orgasm twice on the 13th. The chaser effect was so nasty I haven't really had cravings since.

I hope I can someday find the right one. I'm scared it was her and I let my mental shit stop me. I never expected this level of pain when I asked this girl out. I feel so hurt.


I know that regret well

It's why I discovered the information in my book. It's so easy for sex to change our perceptions of each other. A subtle sense of lack - stemming entirely from perfectly normal neurochemical ripples - can convince us we need space, that someone just isn't "right" for us, that we deserve better.

Later, when we "sober up," we realize our neurochemicals have played a very nasty trick on us...and we have destroyed another precious, wellbeing-giving relationship. 

Be aware that those same neurochemical swings can also make someone unhealthily clingy and willing to tolerate abuse just to stay in a relationship. That's just as undesirable.

My hope is that this is the last time you will fall for such messages. But if you want to make more certain that you don't, then turn down their volume. Learn karezza. Make love a lot without causing such deceptive perception shifts. Biology is powerful. Your happiness is not high on its agenda. Don't be a puppet of your neurochemistry. See What If She Were Always in the Mood?

I'm sorry you're hurting. It will fade with time. As soon as possible, follow your wise ex-girlfriend's lead and get out there and meet new people. No wallowing. Ideas here: ♦Tools to Connect

And kudos to you for reaching out to her, even if you are feeling bruised. That was brave, and a healthy thing to do, even if you got a "lesson" instead of the result you sought. Live and learn.

*big hug*

I too know that regret well

I've been there. I could pretty much have written what you wrote, healthiertimes. I broke up with my first girlfriend several times, and felt the same way you do every time. And the last time we broke up I had the same experience you did, where her care and passion and desire for me were totally gone, and she was so cold to me. She was just gone. That warmth she had for me had vanished. And it is heartbreaking man. That's such a terrible feeling. It's almost like she became a different person. But this is how you move on, too, by knowing she's checked out, and has nothing left for you. As sad as that can be.

Steinbeck had a great quote: "And don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens - The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away."

I've just found this to be so true. If it's right, it will happen. And it's so comforting knowing that you really can't screw up, because if it's right you won't screw up. If that makes any sense. So, I wouldn't see this as a "great regret." It just didn't work out because it probably wasn't right anyway. Just be aware for next time how your brain can influence your perception. If anything, that's the lesson and take-away here.

It took me a long time to get over my ex, she was my first too, we were together 4 years. But I did it, and am so happy I did for many reasons including the fact I found someone with whom I am a much better suited. It might take time, but you WILL get over her. What I found that sped up my healing was totally cutting her out of my life – no contact, no Facebook, no asking friends about her, nothing. That will help you heal the fastest.

I haven't had any contact with my ex for 4 years now. It was a lot like quitting porn and the HOCD boards in a way. You have to deprive your brain of that fuel for it to burn. Deprive it of the oxygen it needs to keep the flame of addiction going.

Marnia, that's really interesting what you wrote about the perception changes going BOTH ways. And it makes sense, why would it just go one way? When I broke up with my first girlfriend for the last time, I felt just awful. And she seemed to me then like she was the most amazing woman ever, had everything I could want, and I lusted after her constantly. She was perfect. I was addicted to the way she made me feel. And yet in the relationship I knew neither one of us was all that happy, and I knew that it would be a mistake to be together forever. We were good, but we just weren't quite GREAT.

It's interesting in my current relationship to be aware of these perception shifts when I do orgasm. I just don't put so much value on them like I used to. I know they are coming, and I don't let them rule my life because I know they'll go away, too.


A lot of good stuff here

She does seem like a completely different person. That was really hard. She's just not interested anymore. I told her I loved her, which once made her cry, and this time got nothing. I have to remember that's how I felt about her when I broke up with her and then I changed my feelings. I guess anything's possible, but I think she's too hurt to allow herself to be with me ever again.

I'm definitely trying to reduce her presence in my life. I unfollowed her on Facebook. Unfortunately, her best friend is one of my roommates, so she's here a lot. Fortunately, I'll be moving soon. Relationships can be addictions, that's an interesting thought.

I also made a date with a high school female friend during my spring break. We're meeting in a outdoorsy town and we'll see what happens!

Things still crop up and feel painful, but things are getting better.

Good move

I think it's great your moving. My ex and I worked together, and I don't think I really began healing until she got a job in another state. Finally. Seeing her everyday for 6 months was so hard on me.

That was just me, of course. But no contact is a great motto to live by when it comes to exes, I've found.