.....Help?

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I feel fucked inside. I haven't viewed porn in one month and 10 days. 15 years of reversal in 6 weeks. Hah! dream on.

So I've been going through mania as of late. I have an online relationship which I'm terrified to make real, because I have no sex drive, and she's horny all the time. I think shes looking for love, and I'm to stubborn to seek anything less, so I'll probably tell her sweet lies until it ruins us both.
To say I'm feeling angst is an understatement. Not only do I feel like a 30 year old loser with no job, no future, no anything worth anything to this stupid world, But I've got this stupid friend that unleashed all these latent homosexual desires for me over the weekend. I ground his head into the gravel, because he tried to fuck me. This happened while he knew about this women, whom as stupid as it may sound, I think i have a destiny with (yeah dream on right?).
Anyways... I'm looking for a job, with a job agency set up for disadvantaged people, and the process is moving at a snails pace. I have no resume. I would put poet on it, but no one would buy it . What I should really put on it is, -If you don't give me a job, I will kill myself- I can't imagine that would go down to well.
So hhhmmm. This fuck head friend of mine, who tried to ruin the only prospect that's keeping me alive right now, is now severed from my existence. I wash my hands of him.

In other ramblings, for which I have no purpose in saying in an order which isn't completely muddled, My fiances are taking a serious beating because of this manic streak that has entered my life. All I want is a job and a happy relationship, but at this point, I think I'm on the verge of ruining everything. If that happens, I don't know what I'll do. I'm not going to hang myself because I don't want to have shit in my pants when they find me. Maybe I deserve the agony of drowning. I suppose I'm going to have to wait and see. Maybe I can cap this mania which is bleeding the little money I have in this world away.

Maybe I'm just so goddamn naive to the point of madness in thinking that I could possibly recover from 15 years of severance from having a healthy relationship, because of treating sex like going to the bathroom. Its been weeks right? How far is this agony I've made for myself going to stretch out?
Its a shame because I think i'm actually a really nice person, And I'm deserving of happiness and joy. I'm just to far gone I think. I don't have What I want on a sexual level, isn't that everyone's case? no one gets fulfillment? Why would they, when love is so fascist. If fascist it is, then so am i.
Yes I said it, Love is turning me fascist; with sentiments about wanting to destroy that which is not perfect and beautiful. Maybe I should Just stop, but I'm hurting here. I can't afford to go off the deep end here. If this relationship I'm trying to get into goes sower, than I think I will have met my limit.

Comments

Stop and *breathe*

I sense a lot of good potential there. You're just in a rough patch at the moment, so stay optimistic.

There are some totally free things you can do to regulate your mood. The first is vigorous exercise. Go for a run. Now.

When you get back, you can try this meditation: http://www.reuniting.info/download/misc/06Track6.wma (If you don't like that one, there are lots of techniques here: ♦Solo Tools )

It's great that you have a girlfriend. Why not tell her you're rebooting and why? Here's how the discussion went for other guys: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/what-do-i-tell-my-new-girlfriend

It would be really good to engage in some snuggle time with her, with no sexual performance pressure on you. So warn her in advance that you want to go slowly. No matter how horny she is, a big part of what she's really looking for is deeper connection and affectionate touch. For more, watch this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ghWW_nzqJas

Your girlfriend is actually excellent medicine for your mood if you can engage in lots of affectionate touch...and hold off on the sex for a bit. Just let her know how attractive you find her and tell her why you need to wait.

You'll be fine. Your brain is going through major, very unsettling (at first) changes. Be gentle with yourself. Don't expect instant results. With a clear head (in a few weeks), you will find solutions to lots of the other problems.

Good forums:

YOURBRAINREBALANCED.COM

REDDIT.NoFap

*big hug*

I'm worried that if I tell

I'm worried that if I tell her fully about whats going on with me and rebooting, that she will think it some kind of Scientology bullshit. She views sex differently then most. She thinks that orgasms release toxic energy, and has been trying her damnest to engage me in sex chat, and phone sex. She's stated how much she likes me, and how I should not worry about my problems, and just leave it to her. She wants to have sex when we first meet. I want to have sex too! of course. This worries me to no end. I've been engaging her in phone sex, telling her my dick is fully hard, when in fact its like 80% erect, or erect, then no erection at all, during what should be fully stimulating moments. Maybe we want equal pies in the sky. Her pie could wreck her, as my pie could wreck me. This is a shame because I really think we would make a good couple, if this hurtle can be surmounted at all, I know we will. Maybe I need space from her. I don't want to hurt her. I suppose I have little choice but to tell her about what I'm doing exactly. I told her a little of what I've been doing, but She doesn't know that i've been part of this type of organization to help me with this problem. I can't tell her now, because she's taken a holiday until next sunday, so I want her full attention Rather then tackle it at the worst place, at the worst time.
Shes been texting me over the last few days wanting to say hi, while shes at a relatives house. I don't know what to tell her. I think about her everyday, and I care for her deeply. Do I maintain the pie in the sky facade while she's on vacation, and continue with chat sex, to get her off, while pretending it works for me? or should I state I need alone time? I intend to bring her fully into whats happening here with me and this site, I just don't want to potentially ruin her holiday. She really needs a break from her job. A break not filled with misery.

I should add that on top of

I should add that on top of her being really horny all the time, that shes also a big pervert, Which I'm fine with, Oooh boy em I fine with it. It's just she wants really rough sex. She connects with existence on a morbid level. I don't think I want another future with anyone else. Shes something I want in a big way in my life. She may recoil to me not going all in right off the bat. I think she might have a porn problem too, and connect her fantasies with wanting sex to be strange, and in weird scenarios. I'm worried that her knowing about me being on this site, will be a major turn off for her. I think this poses a legitimate concern. The want to bond on a level of pure psychical savagery; This I want for her, as I want it for me. I want to make her happy. I'm just fucking scared about approaching her with a-typical responses to sex. Shes not a-typical by any means. She might find everything being approached here as too mundane or something. grrrr I don't know how she will approach all this. It would be romantic to meet her and give her the night of her life, but ultimately this is all pie in the sky. We might be a pare of babies wining, and wanting things to be rich in every way, to meet our highly imagined means. I just don't know. I hope I'm explaining with in a way that makes sense.

First,

this is not an "organization." It's just a forum where people talk about Internet porn problems and relationships. Smile It is one of many such forums now popping up all over the web. There's a list of some of them here: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/external-rebooting-blogs-threads

I give you that list because, even if you come here for support, you can refer her to some of those others if she wants to understand the problem. If you give her several, she'll see that this is a huge problem, and that you are not weird to want to return to peak sexual performance--whatever it takes.

I would be honest with her and tell her that you really like her, but that you have realized that you have some housecleaning to do before you can match her libido because you've overtaxed your brain's reward circuitry a bit. Get her to watch Gary's TEDx talk on YOUTube so she understands more about the problem. TEDxGlasgow - Gary Wilson - The Great Porn Experiment Enlist her in your healing by doing a lot of kissing and skin-to-skin contact while you wait. But first get her promise that she will save her seduction techniques for a month or so from when you get together.

Now, at the risk of annoying you Wink I'm going to suggest that you may well be right. You could well be dealing with an addict. Women are reporting the same problems male porn addicts are.  The need for kinky sexplay is often a sign of a brain that has grown numb to normal pleasure. Hence the high-octane ideas. They sounds great to you now, but this can mean that she will be very high maintenance in the bedroom, because (after the rush from  seducing you, and after your novelty as a new partner wears off) she will not necessarily find it easy to orgasm without all those extra bells and whistles. And she will probably decide you are the problem. (At least I always blamed my partners...because I didn't understand it was my own brain that was out of balance (too).)

The pattern I'm describing tends to be a downward spiral. Eventually it can lead to exhaustion, dissatisfaction and resentment. Just like your sweetie, I was very good at seducing men and firmly convinced that I was the solution to all their problems. In fact, I was creating a lot of unnecessary chaos. Good orgasm won't fix everything...as it turns out. Wink

The easiest way to keep sex interesting is when "less is more," and that means not overstimulating your brains to the point of needing all that extra stimulation. That means learning the behaviors that actually soothe the defensive part of the brain and help partners stay bonded. See The Lazy Way to Stay in Love

I realize you're not ready for this tip yet. I certainly wouldn't have been in your situation. Biggrin But file it away for later when you two burn out on each other and don't know what happened, or why you are feeling cranky or restless.

Bottom line: You're the pilot. You call the shots. If you need time to heal, insist upon it. Sounds like she could use some time to get centered herself. Would she read a tantra book do you think?

Oh my God Marnia, I thank

Oh my God Marnia, I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart, for taking the time to speak with me. Please don't worry in the least if you think I need a kick in the ass over any posts I make. I usually try to keep a tone of humor, even when I'm being extreme with my expressions.

Yes I do think she has her own problem with over stimulation with porn. I like the her, that I'm getting to know. The one which isn't all sex, Even if it is submerged. She's used sexual expression as charisma, because I think she has a really low self a steam. It makes it an even a worse problem that she finds so many expressions within her sexual world. She hooks her imagination with it, and her well being, into having sexual gratification on an extremely high level on a regular basis. She hasn't been in a relationship in years. She lost someone she loved vary deeply, so I guess shes been finding personal outlets for her sexual functions.

I would absolutely love to have what your describing. A slow build up, and bonding where all the sophisticated high levels of explosive fucking is kept in check, while we develop a real relationship based on healthy intimacy. I really like this girl, and I know that under all of the sadness that has occurred in her life, that there is a brilliant happy girl waiting to blossom underneath.
I think that I'm going to have to take some initiative here in trying to help her out a bit, in approaching her with a similar rebooting technique, as an initiative. I've never felt like this before with anyone, and I don't want to loose her. She must learn patients. I've already told her once, rather loosely based on my own anxieties, that she will have to enforce patients, if not now, than later.
The question here that is an ever so obvious one is -Will she want to make the commitment to enter into a rebooting regiment herself? I'm deffinatley going to be having a serious talk with her when she returns from her vacation. If she's ever going to have a workable relationship in her future, she's going to need to strongly consider rehabilitating herself, from being mired in her extremes. I think that there is nothing deviant in love making, so long as we both enjoy it. I just want to erase the absolute need for us to always be extreme in any potential love making we do. I'm becoming a fanatic about her happiness at this point, and I think its time for me to be a bit brutal with some tough love.

I suppose I will see what becomes of this decision, after I talk to her.

Let's hope the timing is right

Often vacations mean less maturbation. Wink So her nervous system may not be in overdrive when she returns. You could be mysterious and ask that she meet with you TO TALK before she masturbates on her return. Hold her for a while before you start talking. Your male energy is what she's really craving...never mind what her sensitized brain patterns are telling her!

Good luck. I'm sure you're right...that she's a wonderful person who got hurt and is now trying to substitute heat/temporary oblivion for intimacy. It happens.

All you can do is lead the horse to water. If it won't drink, it won't drink. So try to be zen about the whole thing.

*fingers crossed* that she's ready for a breakthrough.