I feel fucked inside. I haven't viewed porn in one month and 10 days. 15 years of reversal in 6 weeks. Hah! dream on.
So I've been going through mania as of late. I have an online relationship which I'm terrified to make real, because I have no sex drive, and she's horny all the time. I think shes looking for love, and I'm to stubborn to seek anything less, so I'll probably tell her sweet lies until it ruins us both.
To say I'm feeling angst is an understatement. Not only do I feel like a 30 year old loser with no job, no future, no anything worth anything to this stupid world, But I've got this stupid friend that unleashed all these latent homosexual desires for me over the weekend. I ground his head into the gravel, because he tried to fuck me. This happened while he knew about this women, whom as stupid as it may sound, I think i have a destiny with (yeah dream on right?).
Anyways... I'm looking for a job, with a job agency set up for disadvantaged people, and the process is moving at a snails pace. I have no resume. I would put poet on it, but no one would buy it . What I should really put on it is, -If you don't give me a job, I will kill myself- I can't imagine that would go down to well.
So hhhmmm. This fuck head friend of mine, who tried to ruin the only prospect that's keeping me alive right now, is now severed from my existence. I wash my hands of him.
In other ramblings, for which I have no purpose in saying in an order which isn't completely muddled, My fiances are taking a serious beating because of this manic streak that has entered my life. All I want is a job and a happy relationship, but at this point, I think I'm on the verge of ruining everything. If that happens, I don't know what I'll do. I'm not going to hang myself because I don't want to have shit in my pants when they find me. Maybe I deserve the agony of drowning. I suppose I'm going to have to wait and see. Maybe I can cap this mania which is bleeding the little money I have in this world away.
Maybe I'm just so goddamn naive to the point of madness in thinking that I could possibly recover from 15 years of severance from having a healthy relationship, because of treating sex like going to the bathroom. Its been weeks right? How far is this agony I've made for myself going to stretch out?
Its a shame because I think i'm actually a really nice person, And I'm deserving of happiness and joy. I'm just to far gone I think. I don't have What I want on a sexual level, isn't that everyone's case? no one gets fulfillment? Why would they, when love is so fascist. If fascist it is, then so am i.
Yes I said it, Love is turning me fascist; with sentiments about wanting to destroy that which is not perfect and beautiful. Maybe I should Just stop, but I'm hurting here. I can't afford to go off the deep end here. If this relationship I'm trying to get into goes sower, than I think I will have met my limit.