I used to post on this site regularly (I'm going to say 3-5 years ago) and felt both motivated and inspired to fight my ongoing battle with pornography.
I haven't been on this site in a while and thought it was a good time to do an update. I find myself in a flatline after reaching success a year ago. My success is defined in my mind as achieving an erection during intercourse. I don't know where to go next, as hard as I try to abstain from masturbation without porn I always relapse. Maybe this is because my incentive isn't enough of a motive anymore. I always pushed myself to abstain so I could one day achieve an erection with a woman. I did that. That being said, its not all roses in the bed.
I relapsed the other day and it had been about a year since I'd viewed porn. The weird thing was as soon as I was getting an erection it just felt un natural or fake. I was and still am very angry at myself, yet I saw this coming with the summer job I agreed to do. It's long hours and choppy sleep (4 hours here and 4 hours there). I'm also stuck on a 80 foot ship for 80 days so I'm going a bit nuts. Thankfully ive become really close with the housekeeper on board the ship.
I leave in a few days to work at a very isolated job up North where there is very little contact with the outside world. Ive done it before but I started going a little loopy before. I was hoping not to come back but I need the money for school and was unable to find another job that pays as well as this one.
Things have been the same as of late, many ups and downs. Ive been reading the "Porn Trap" and so far havent found it incredibly useful, but thats probably because I havent gotten to the end. Ive just been reading many testimonies which are very interesting. Im on a three month streak since Ive viewed porn and I find im most happy when im not aroused due to hormones. But I feel like this is very normal. When I am aroused my brain just flashes through old habits and old memories that are disturbing at times and it feels like they never leave.
I project its been about a month now since Ive taken another go at rebooting once again. I know what to expect obviously because I've done it so many times before but I have never been able to go the full distance. Im at the point where my libido is completely shot, my attraction to girls is nowhere to be found. Im still going after girls but I am getting zero feeling downstairs, and its scarier than hell. It shouldnt be, because Ive experienced this part of the reboot before but I am having a full on meltdown.
I havent posted in a really long time. The last time I did was about having sex for the first time which was an amazing experience. I felt so confident for once. Then came the summer, I worked at the same place as last year, which is in a very remote place with very little contact with the world. I lived abroad a ship for 2 and a half months serving guests who paid to be on it. It was a floating fishing lodge, a very unique experience for anyone. Anyways during this time I really mastered my mindset and just came to grips with everything.
Last week on my 20th birthday it finally happened. I had sex for the first time and it was great! This whole time in my mind I wanted to wait until I found someone that I would feel comfortable enough with and be in a relationship with. I still want to find this person but on this night I went downtown with some friends and I met this girl who was friends with a good friend of mine. We hit it off really nice and the whole night I was really enjoying my time with her.
This feels like a nightmare that wont go away. I was so far at 70 days, and ill get back up to it and pass it this time but im just suprised at how much I deflated after that MO. For the most part I was on cloud nine, really happy rarely any HOCD, now its living hell again. The voices in my head have been altering my perception for the first two weeks. Its still pretty bad but im doing slightly better at the moment.
I got stupid and my streak ended last night. I was feeling great about myself for once I felt in control of my thoughts and for the most part thing s were going well. I just was feeling happy. I was noticing differences in my sex drive as well. I took a girl out on a date and as soon as we kissed immediately had a great erection. Things were going well and maybe thats what got me into smoking marijuana again. I smoked one night because I couldnt fall asleep for the life of me and it truely did help.