I haven't been on this site in a while and thought it was a good time to do an update. I find myself in a flatline after reaching success a year ago. My success is defined in my mind as achieving an erection during intercourse. I don't know where to go next, as hard as I try to abstain from masturbation without porn I always relapse. Maybe this is because my incentive isn't enough of a motive anymore. I always pushed myself to abstain so I could one day achieve an erection with a woman. I did that. That being said, its not all roses in the bed. I'm still very nervous in bed, I feel completely comfortable until the clothes come off and that's when I shrink and my arms start to shake. The girl I have been seeing for the past two weeks is very good with my situation and calms me down. Once she does that I feel right at home again. Too bad she has commitment issues. She keeps blowing me off and telling me that she's still interested. As a person who has never been self-confident, I am using this as a chance to grow. So far it's been baby steps but since the summer I have realized that I need respect myself and not let people take advantage of me. I know that I need somewhat of a commitment right now emotionally, at least more than what I have been getting from this woman. Because of that, I am going to simply move on and tell her that I am looking for more of a commitment. It pains me to do this, but that's my point. My old self would chase and chase until I break down emotionally to fill that void of loneliness. And although I still suffer from loneliness all the time, it is not worth it to spend so much energy into a person when you are not receiving that in return, it can torment you. Loneliness is my darkest friend and has always been the reason I got into pornography in the first place. The only thing that keeps my mind occupied off masturbation and pornography is when I am writing and/or in my fiction and screenplay classes. It had been three weeks abstaining from anything sexual and after a days work of typing I came home. My roommates when to bed and I felt instantly bored, I checked craigslist for casual encounters (Women for Men) then body massage listings. I couldn't fall asleep and ended up rubbing my prostate and orgasming. Some people may not recognize this as a normal practice but in my pornography days I learned about it and here and there will do it. I enjoy it, but it just feeds my HOCD. Lately, that has been an issue as well. When I don't have a woman in my life my HOCD goes haywire which is another reason I hate ending things with a certain girl. But it's time for me to take a step forward and look for a brighter future. Yes I might struggle mentally but I truly believe it will be worth it to find a girl that compliments me and I do the same for her. It will probably be a hell of a long time, but it will be worth it. Ride the pain train until I roll into the golden station.
On another note, I need to invest more energy into not venturing into craigslist territory as it ALWAYS snowballs into something bigger. In my eyes, I am basically doing the same thing I did with porn. Scrolling through ads until I find the right one, especially if there is a picture attached.