I havent posted in a really long time. The last time I did was about having sex for the first time which was an amazing experience. I felt so confident for once. Then came the summer, I worked at the same place as last year, which is in a very remote place with very little contact with the world. I lived abroad a ship for 2 and a half months serving guests who paid to be on it. It was a floating fishing lodge, a very unique experience for anyone. Anyways during this time I really mastered my mindset and just came to grips with everything. I let everything slide in my head and didnt get uptight about what I was thinking. I learned to be in control and it was great. When I would have an OCD moment I would deal with it the right way. The only problem with being on this ship was that I worked every day with no way to get a day off or have my own space. I got really lonely, my emotions were everywhere and I got back into porn. This was the biggest mistake ever. At the time I was feeling very confident mentally so I figured hey I am in a different spot mentally so surely I can dabble in a little porn to keep the loneliness down. Cue the buzzer, because that was the wrong conclusion. My lust for porn just got worse and worse and I couldnt stop, I turned into the person I was most afraid of as a kid, which was this monster who was only motivated by the high of an orgasm, by pushing limits to get that next high. I didnt so much stretch the limits on porn, I stayed constant as to what I watched which was a crap ton of lesbian porn, but I would start humping things like couches, floors, anything I could think of that would get me to that next plateau of high. I was a wreck, an absolute monster in my mind. I felt like shit, but I literally couldnt help myself. Thankfully I gave up weed before the summer because it just made everything worse and I am happy I did that because I dont know what I would do to myself if I had that in my agenda as well during this binge phase. All I could think of though was having sex again I craved it and I wanted it so badly that I was doing anything. I am very suprised I didnt get caught doing any of the stuff I did. I would wait until everyone left the boat too go fishing and act on impulse. The summer ended and university came along. I gave up porn because I was now surrounded by beautiful women on campus that I could meet and socialize with. With me being so god dam naive, things just never turned out and I had once again obtained all the characterisitcs of a binge porn user. I was nervous, shy and unresponsive to the people around me, I just couldnt go after anyone because my attraction to real people had gone down so much. Weeks went by and things started to get brighter, my confidence and my desire for a women became strong and I really tried and tried to meet someone. I did and just no success, I didnt want just anyone I wanted this one girl that I have been in love with since last year at school. She is one of the few girls to make me feel the way I do around her, she always brightens my day when I see her and makes me rethink about how I perceive life, she always has great points to make. She was so flirtatious with me all the time even when she had a boyfriend. She broke up with him this year and I thought wow this is my time. As time went by, things just got confusing, she kept throwing me mixed signals, would flirt but not too much and would really only talk to me when she would want something. I found she barely listened to me when I was talking. It kinda hit me like a tidal wave, what the fuck am I doing, she isnt interested in you, she just wants things from you. Even though im glad I realized this, I was so hurt, I was back in this dark lonely state and I got back into porn. All of my roomates when home for thanksgiving and I decided to smoke some weed because I was feeling very weird being alone. WORST DECISION OF MY LIFE. Its like the reasoning for giving up weed this whole time had gone through the window, I had never experienced a worse panic attack. I couldnt breathe and I felt like an entirely different person, it was like my mind was someone elses. I was thinking about cutting my hair which I have never thought about doing because I am determined to grow it out and I like that im doing that. The biggest though that caused the panic attack was the hocd thoughts, I had convinced myself I was gay again and freaked out, I wasnt in control and I succumbed to what my mind was feeding me. I went from watching a great tv show high to collapsing on the floor hyperventilating. I couldnt stop shaking and went to bed fully clothed wrapped myself in blankets and fell asleep to try and end the nightmare in which I was experiencing. I woke up and felt as if nothing happened last night, I felt myself again. Why is that? How do I just go from this completely different perosn and then awake remembering nothing of it. Anyways I also decided to see a life coach. It was a good consultation and she focuses on making people comfortable with their fears and living a happy life. I want to tell her about my fears which is hocd but I am so frightened too. She made it clear that she was homosexual by referencing her girlfriend and now I dont know if I want to tell her. Our first meeting is in two weeks and If I tell her everything I dont want the same shit from other counsellors which is, oh well you know its okay to be gay, we accept you. That is not the issue here. How should I bring it up too her. Should I ease into it by saying have you ever heard of HOCD, if she has then continue with opening up or if she has not dont tell her at all. I dont know what to do. All I know is that I gotta do something because last night being high was terrifying, I was thinking of ways to kill myself. I HAVENT been in that place for a long time. Yes I was suicidal in my past but it was a long time ago and I had overcome it.