I hit a wall again

Submitted by Hockeygod28 on
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I havent posted in a really long time. The last time I did was about having sex for the first time which was an amazing experience. I felt so confident for once. Then came the summer, I worked at the same place as last year, which is in a very remote place with very little contact with the world. I lived abroad a ship for 2 and a half months serving guests who paid to be on it. It was a floating fishing lodge, a very unique experience for anyone. Anyways during this time I really mastered my mindset and just came to grips with everything. I let everything slide in my head and didnt get uptight about what I was thinking. I learned to be in control and it was great. When I would have an OCD moment I would deal with it the right way. The only problem with being on this ship was that I worked every day with no way to get a day off or have my own space. I got really lonely, my emotions were everywhere and I got back into porn. This was the biggest mistake ever. At the time I was feeling very confident mentally so I figured hey I am in a different spot mentally so surely I can dabble in a little porn to keep the loneliness down. Cue the buzzer, because that was the wrong conclusion. My lust for porn just got worse and worse and I couldnt stop, I turned into the person I was most afraid of as a kid, which was this monster who was only motivated by the high of an orgasm, by pushing limits to get that next high. I didnt so much stretch the limits on porn, I stayed constant as to what I watched which was a crap ton of lesbian porn, but I would start humping things like couches, floors, anything I could think of that would get me to that next plateau of high. I was a wreck, an absolute monster in my mind. I felt like shit, but I literally couldnt help myself. Thankfully I gave up weed before the summer because it just made everything worse and I am happy I did that because I dont know what I would do to myself if I had that in my agenda as well during this binge phase. All I could think of though was having sex again I craved it and I wanted it so badly that I was doing anything. I am very suprised I didnt get caught doing any of the stuff I did. I would wait until everyone left the boat too go fishing and act on impulse. The summer ended and university came along. I gave up porn because I was now surrounded by beautiful women on campus that I could meet and socialize with. With me being so god dam naive, things just never turned out and I had once again obtained all the characterisitcs of a binge porn user. I was nervous, shy and unresponsive to the people around me, I just couldnt go after anyone because my attraction to real people had gone down so much. Weeks went by and things started to get brighter, my confidence and my desire for a women became strong and I really tried and tried to meet someone. I did and just no success, I didnt want just anyone I wanted this one girl that I have been in love with since last year at school. She is one of the few girls to make me feel the way I do around her, she always brightens my day when I see her and makes me rethink about how I perceive life, she always has great points to make. She was so flirtatious with me all the time even when she had a boyfriend. She broke up with him this year and I thought wow this is my time. As time went by, things just got confusing, she kept throwing me mixed signals, would flirt but not too much and would really only talk to me when she would want something. I found she barely listened to me when I was talking. It kinda hit me like a tidal wave, what the fuck am I doing, she isnt interested in you, she just wants things from you. Even though im glad I realized this, I was so hurt, I was back in this dark lonely state and I got back into porn. All of my roomates when home for thanksgiving and I decided to smoke some weed because I was feeling very weird being alone. WORST DECISION OF MY LIFE. Its like the reasoning for giving up weed this whole time had gone through the window, I had never experienced a worse panic attack. I couldnt breathe and I felt like an entirely different person, it was like my mind was someone elses. I was thinking about cutting my hair which I have never thought about doing because I am determined to grow it out and I like that im doing that. The biggest though that caused the panic attack was the hocd thoughts, I had convinced myself I was gay again and freaked out, I wasnt in control and I succumbed to what my mind was feeding me. I went from watching a great tv show high to collapsing on the floor hyperventilating. I couldnt stop shaking and went to bed fully clothed wrapped myself in blankets and fell asleep to try and end the nightmare in which I was experiencing. I woke up and felt as if nothing happened last night, I felt myself again. Why is that? How do I just go from this completely different perosn and then awake remembering nothing of it. Anyways I also decided to see a life coach. It was a good consultation and she focuses on making people comfortable with their fears and living a happy life. I want to tell her about my fears which is hocd but I am so frightened too. She made it clear that she was homosexual by referencing her girlfriend and now I dont know if I want to tell her. Our first meeting is in two weeks and If I tell her everything I dont want the same shit from other counsellors which is, oh well you know its okay to be gay, we accept you. That is not the issue here. How should I bring it up too her. Should I ease into it by saying have you ever heard of HOCD, if she has then continue with opening up or if she has not dont tell her at all. I dont know what to do. All I know is that I gotta do something because last night being high was terrifying, I was thinking of ways to kill myself. I HAVENT been in that place for a long time. Yes I was suicidal in my past but it was a long time ago and I had overcome it.

Comments

Well, at least you know what not to do

Smile It's so hard for me to believe you would go back to porn because you assumed you were immune from problems once you felt a bit better. If it fucked you up once, it will again. You may as well think of it as a life-threatening allergy, because for you it's not much different.

Porn is not a "cure" for loneliness. It just defers the emotions and makes is less easy to deal with them in the end. Same with pot. But you know this.

Are you still using either? If so, you should ask if she knows a good support group for people struggling with internet porn use. Your peers can help you learn other ways of dealing with stress and loneliness. You seem to need ideas for that.

You could also just ask her if she knows about OCD, because honestly, OCD is OCD, whether you're washing your hands constantly or tricking yourself into eroticizing fears about your sexual orientation. It's just an unhelpful brainloop. The substance isn't very important. You can just ask her for techniques to stop intrusive thoughts without going into the details.

Didn't you have a prescription? Still taking that?

RE:

It was hard for me after I used porn again that I let myself get back to that place. I just gave up on things and I shouldn't have.

I am currently not. After the experience of last night being high, I am firmly against porn. I found myself getting bored of it recently anyways which suggested that I needed to up the anti, which made me stop entirely.

I will ask her for sure thanks for the tips.

I do have the prescription still but I stopped taking them during the summer. Although it was helping with everything I was experiencing some negative side effects that almost got me fired. I was alot more moody, I like to think of myself as one who isnt rash and will listen to what someone has to say. On the medication and being in the work environment I was a short fuse, freaking out, which I dont usually do. My boss recognized that and said she felt like I was a different me and was talking about letting me go. I stopped taking them and things got better but lately I have been reconsidering my decision to stop. I dont think my problems at work were all influenced by the pills, alot had to do with other factors, new staff, and my second year being there I didnt enjoy it as much.

Especially Reconsidering

I am really reconsidering using the pills again because lately through these recent issues Ive been dealing with I cant even focus on school. I was so good at the beginning of the term and I cant even read a book. For example Ive been in the library today for probably a good 6 hours and I have done little to none in terms of work. It just feels good to get out of the house. I need to STUDY though.

Maybe

you should check in with a doctor about your experiences on and off the meds before you choose your course.

Also, constantly jerking off to porn could account for your irritability, especially after you had been feeling better and you knew you were choosing to use again.

I am sad that you could make these self-destructive choices...again. But there's no reason to think you can't make progress again by taking the same steps you did last time to get on a more even keel.

Even after you start the meds and unhook from porn and pot, you will probably need a year to get yourself sorted out. During that time there will be ups and downs, and girls who love you and girls who jilt you, and periods of high libido and periods of low libido, weird fantasies and flashbacks and feelings of healthy sexual wellbeing. Joining a support group where you can get a mentor who has been through something similar will be very helpful - so you don't catastrophize the lows and convince yourself that "it will always be this way, so fuck it."

Also consider joining www.rebootnation.org.

Are you playing hockey? Exercise helps level out mood a lot. So do daily cold showers. Cold Shower Therapy Guide | Impossible HQ

Impulsivity can be deadly, so when you get those strong impulses, learn to wait a day before acting on them - whatever the impulse. Go for a walk or run instead.

*big hug*

I

took a pill last night but right afterwords thought the exact same thing, I should go to the doctor just to make sure this is the right path to go down.

Thats what I think as well, I was so frustrated with myself at the time for spiralling into the mess I had created.

Thank you, I appreciate the good wisdom. It turns out the life coach I am going to see in two weeks has dealt with pornography addictions in the past. She wants me to come into the session with issues to tackle so I have clear goals to work towards.

I am equally sad for myself. I think that was the problem though, I had one bad slip up and I felt that dark hollow feeling that I once had all the time and I couldnt get myself out of it.

Im not worried about using pot again. I had gone the summer without it and I just slipped up a couple times, but these little slipups is whats causing these messes in the first place.

I stopped playing hockey to focus on school and I need to fill that void with proper exercise. Ive gained weight and its something I need to turn around, because its just making matters worse.

I will look into reboot nation. Thank you for communicating, it helped me out more then you think yesterday.

Sounds like you're

grabbing the reins again. That's good.

You know you can sort yourself out because you've made a lot of progress in the past. The hollow feeling is the deception here. Kinda like a dementor in Harry Potter.  Smile Maybe you should read those books for some inspiration. There are some "dementors" in everyone's life. Learning how to cope is an art and a skill. And getting help is a really smart thing to do.

Keep me posted.