I project its been about a month now since Ive taken another go at rebooting once again. I know what to expect obviously because I've done it so many times before but I have never been able to go the full distance. Im at the point where my libido is completely shot, my attraction to girls is nowhere to be found. Im still going after girls but I am getting zero feeling downstairs, and its scarier than hell. It shouldnt be, because Ive experienced this part of the reboot before but I am having a full on meltdown. I just started taking ssri's again starting last night because I keep contemplating suicide. I am doing this because my hocd is ramped up more than its ever been and my drive for women is gone, just gone. I cant be around my guy friends anymore without getting spikes and I just cant handle it anymore. I cant be alone in my own thoughts. I recently told a girl who Ive known since university that Ive had feelings for her for a while and it turns out she does as well. Ive been holding back these feelings for such a long time because I was so frustrated feeling as if she was giving me mixed signals. I was and still am head over heels for her but I am so scared because my drive is non existent. I think of her sexually and I dont even get a reaction. Anytime I see a guy, I just dive into hocd. I know I will come out of this stage because I have in the past and my drive will once again come back but I am in such a darker place than I have ever been before. I keep considering to buy a gun and end it all, and I have no issue with doing that, thats what scares me the most. I have nothing holding me back. This girl said she has feelings for me and I was thrilled but she also noted that she is not over her ex boyfriend suggesting we just be friends. Too be honest, its not a bad thing because of the state im in right now I need to deal with this and gather my drive back before I can be confident with her. I am just so fucking scared. I cant even hang around my roommate, were good pals and I cant even have a conversation with him without having my mind fire off hocd thoughts.