Progress, somewhat.

Submitted by Hockeygod28 on
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I project its been about a month now since Ive taken another go at rebooting once again. I know what to expect obviously because I've done it so many times before but I have never been able to go the full distance. Im at the point where my libido is completely shot, my attraction to girls is nowhere to be found. Im still going after girls but I am getting zero feeling downstairs, and its scarier than hell. It shouldnt be, because Ive experienced this part of the reboot before but I am having a full on meltdown. I just started taking ssri's again starting last night because I keep contemplating suicide. I am doing this because my hocd is ramped up more than its ever been and my drive for women is gone, just gone. I cant be around my guy friends anymore without getting spikes and I just cant handle it anymore. I cant be alone in my own thoughts. I recently told a girl who Ive known since university that Ive had feelings for her for a while and it turns out she does as well. Ive been holding back these feelings for such a long time because I was so frustrated feeling as if she was giving me mixed signals. I was and still am head over heels for her but I am so scared because my drive is non existent. I think of her sexually and I dont even get a reaction. Anytime I see a guy, I just dive into hocd. I know I will come out of this stage because I have in the past and my drive will once again come back but I am in such a darker place than I have ever been before. I keep considering to buy a gun and end it all, and I have no issue with doing that, thats what scares me the most. I have nothing holding me back. This girl said she has feelings for me and I was thrilled but she also noted that she is not over her ex boyfriend suggesting we just be friends. Too be honest, its not a bad thing because of the state im in right now I need to deal with this and gather my drive back before I can be confident with her. I am just so fucking scared. I cant even hang around my roommate, were good pals and I cant even have a conversation with him without having my mind fire off hocd thoughts.

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Sorry for what you're going through

Next time you're tempted to relapse into porn, could you read your post above first? This cycle is so viscious in you. It's painful even to read about it...again.

Definitely don't "end it all" to escape your temporary frightening feelings. That would be silly.

First, it sounds like the timing with the girl will be perfect. Just take it slow and spend more time talking with her, perhaps while touching, or exchanging something innocuous, like foot massages or head massages or even hand massages. That'll be good for you both...whatever the future holds. No need to figure anything out for now.

As for your roommate, just talk with him anyway and let the cartoon show run, without giving it any more attention than you have to. ("Oh yeah, those silly flashbacks where my confused brain tries to get me to go after stimulation that increases my adrenaline from sheer anxiety because it isn't feeling pleasure normally yet.")

You know that OCD gets worse during withdrawal. That's just what it does. The results are not "real."

Are your meds prescribed for OCD? I've forgotten.

Thanks, but its my fault.

I appreciate it but its all my wrongdoing. Thats a really good suggestion, I will look at this site when I am in a critical situation.

Im not at that place with this girl yet. We both admitted to having feelings but she said shes not over her ex boyfriend so Im just giving her space and when were together im trying not to get romantic with her out of respect. I had her over the other night to study for a class were both in, she was alot more comfortable with me, able to talk about more things and I could just feel a sense of excitement from her. On the other hand it was me who was really nervous. Because my libido is non existent, that was the only thing going through my mind. I kept getting uncomfortable because I saw her there and I wasnt getting any reaction downstairs. It only took me until after she left that its okay to feel that way with the situation that I am in and I dont need to rush things, it makes for an opportunity to build on our connection that isnt the sexual one. I was feeling very uncomfortable with her because in my mind because I wasnt feeling anything at all down below it just immediately reminded me of my failures in the past with girls and how shitty and alone I felt. My failures related to two times in the past where I couldnt have sex because I was in the same position in the reboot process and I just ran away from the situation. It was like I could no longer be with those girls because I was so embarrassed of myself.

I then thought about my success and how last year on my birthday I lost my virginity and it was great, I was in a much better place then and I was completing my reboot process, so I just reminded myself that I will get back to that place soon but in the meantime I just need to be patient and not freak out.

Im finding that every little thing I am diving into and making a connection to what im going through. This morning for example I get a text from my father who I really prefer not to talk to a whole lot. He texted me saying "Change is okay, we may lose something great but we may gain something even better." It freaked me out and in my mind I kept thinking what the hell is he referring too, and then the HOCD took over and started making a comparison. He texts these things all the time to be inspirational all the time.

The meds I believe are just for depression and anxiety but im not too sure, they're called cipralex.

Sounds like a healthy choice

having her over to study.

I know you want your normal libido back, but there's certainly no reason to feel such intense humiliation about its absence. First, you know what the biological problem is, and that there's no instant "fix". Read this page if you want to see similar stories by many other guys: RebootTaking TOO.LONG You'll feel "it" when you feel it, and not before. But be friendly and nice to her so she doesn't assume you've lost interest. And if you get closer, give her this so she knows not to put any performance pressure on you while you're healing: Boyfriend Quitting Porn? 5 Tips | Your Brain On Porn

Second, healthy libido doesn't necessarily work like porn libido. Let's say you two married. I guarantee you that there would be times when one of you simply wouldn't feel like having sex. And it would be just fine...as long as you snuggle regularly.

You're putting too much pressure on yourself, which is why anxiety meds are probably a good idea. If you could just relax and enjoy the ride, the no-libido phase could be perfectly enjoyable...with a normal libido phase to look forward to. In short: You're beating up on yourself. Stop it. Acute

*big hug*