I relapsed the other day and it had been about a year since I'd viewed porn. The weird thing was as soon as I was getting an erection it just felt un natural or fake. I was and still am very angry at myself, yet I saw this coming with the summer job I agreed to do. It's long hours and choppy sleep (4 hours here and 4 hours there). I'm also stuck on a 80 foot ship for 80 days so I'm going a bit nuts. Thankfully ive become really close with the housekeeper on board the ship. We get along really well and I feel safe around her, we've shared some really intimate stuff and it sounds silly because its only been a month but she really helps me out with my problems and I do the same with hers. I was and still am extremely attracted to her and we got close but decided it was best not to do anything sexual until the end of the summer. We still became very intimate and it started to make her stressed out because of the rules of the workplace which I completely understand. I took it the wrong way and thought it was me, it sent me into a downwards spiral and boom I relapsed again. This time has been extremely difficult though. As soon as that night occured it was if a floodgate opened in my brain and began to torture me with previous tastes and experiences I had with porn. I couldn't believe it, just from one time! It had been a year. I began to have a really hard time with people after that, I couldn't stop picturing everyone in a sex scope, it drove me nuts. Everywhere I looked I just saw everyone naked and doing devious sex acts. I also started having a more difficult time around other men which is linked to the hocd. I recently made amends with the woman I work with and I am starting to feel better just being around her even if she just wants to be friends.
I recently got prescribed an anti anxiety pill by the name of quetiapine. I started having mini panic attacks, and the local nurse in this remote area got these pills shipped in by plane. I've taken it three times and every time it just knocks me out. I don't notice a huge difference in my anxiety but I'm hoping it will get better with time. This whole summer at work I've just felt as if I'm about to explode at any moment due to anxiety. There are many factors to this as it is my third year here and the novelty has definitely worn off.
I started wearing a hair ekastic around my wrist with the purpose of snapping it everytime i get a burst of anxiety or any intrusive thoughts.