Last week on my 20th birthday it finally happened. I had sex for the first time and it was great! This whole time in my mind I wanted to wait until I found someone that I would feel comfortable enough with and be in a relationship with. I still want to find this person but on this night I went downtown with some friends and I met this girl who was friends with a good friend of mine. We hit it off really nice and the whole night I was really enjoying my time with her. We eventually get back to her house and I was feeling really nervous at first again like I usually do in that scenario because of past failures. We continued to take it slow and she just said simply "we dont have to have sex if you dont want" and that really helped me. I just thought hey I dont need to rush this if I dont want to and we just proceeded to foreplay and what not. I eventually give her a back massage and it was then when I was just feeling really confident and i wanted to have sex more then ever. I was feeling extra confident downstairs in my pants. We eventually did it and it was great, no problems at all it just felt awesome! For the next week I was living on cloud nine, just feeling great, no HOCD at all. NONE. I finally felt clear in the head it was great. A week later I started getting sick and now im noticing my mental side slipping again, HOCD is coming back and its getting very frustrating. The girl I had sex with turned out to be only into a one night stand which really hurt me a bit. It really helps when I find a connection with a girl, I feel so much more happy and free of any intrusive thoughts and its almost like a goal to stride towards. It helps me get out of the house more and be pro active. all the HOCD is coming back but im trying to "embrace uncertainty" and move on slowly. I just keep telling myself when these thoughts pop up, who cares? or yea so what. Im trying to trick my brain, even though I know the answer im trying to make it known that it doesnt matter just do whatever makes you happy. I read this on a hocd blog, so I hope it works. Its weird though that once you bond to someone, in this case this girl, I felt just euphoric, free of all my negative thoughts and I felt myself, she made me feel comfortable. Now that it didnt turn out great in the long run because shes not into that it feels shitty again. Its awful.