Sex for the first time

Submitted by Hockeygod28 on
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Last week on my 20th birthday it finally happened. I had sex for the first time and it was great! This whole time in my mind I wanted to wait until I found someone that I would feel comfortable enough with and be in a relationship with. I still want to find this person but on this night I went downtown with some friends and I met this girl who was friends with a good friend of mine. We hit it off really nice and the whole night I was really enjoying my time with her. We eventually get back to her house and I was feeling really nervous at first again like I usually do in that scenario because of past failures. We continued to take it slow and she just said simply "we dont have to have sex if you dont want" and that really helped me. I just thought hey I dont need to rush this if I dont want to and we just proceeded to foreplay and what not. I eventually give her a back massage and it was then when I was just feeling really confident and i wanted to have sex more then ever. I was feeling extra confident downstairs in my pants. We eventually did it and it was great, no problems at all it just felt awesome! For the next week I was living on cloud nine, just feeling great, no HOCD at all. NONE. I finally felt clear in the head it was great. A week later I started getting sick and now im noticing my mental side slipping again, HOCD is coming back and its getting very frustrating. The girl I had sex with turned out to be only into a one night stand which really hurt me a bit. It really helps when I find a connection with a girl, I feel so much more happy and free of any intrusive thoughts and its almost like a goal to stride towards. It helps me get out of the house more and be pro active. all the HOCD is coming back but im trying to "embrace uncertainty" and move on slowly. I just keep telling myself when these thoughts pop up, who cares? or yea so what. Im trying to trick my brain, even though I know the answer im trying to make it known that it doesnt matter just do whatever makes you happy. I read this on a hocd blog, so I hope it works. Its weird though that once you bond to someone, in this case this girl, I felt just euphoric, free of all my negative thoughts and I felt myself, she made me feel comfortable. Now that it didnt turn out great in the long run because shes not into that it feels shitty again. Its awful.



Ive done lots of general therapy in the past but it hasnt really targeted this issue very well, I hear that cognitive behavioural therapy is great for OCD, would you recommend going after this specific type of therapy?

First, congratulations!

At least you know that your problem is "brainworms" and not anything else.

But OCD is like that. And it eats away at you. I'm not a therapist but I have heard good things about cognitive behavioral training. I think we can all use some Smile It's basically a way to re-train your mind, and the principles of brain plasticity support its effectiveness.

Any time you use a cue (that would have upset you) as a reminder that you need to shift gears to something more productive, you're using CBT, so no need to wait!

Here's to attracting a loving sweetheart!

Try Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy

My girlfriend graduates with at psychology degree in a couple weeks and starts grad school in psych this fall. I told her about your posts and she read them. She thinks that Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) or sometimes called Rational Emotive Therapy (RET) would be really good for you; it is a type of Cognitive Behavior Therapy. Over the Memorial Day weekend we made a quick trip home from the university so she had me as a captive audience for a psych lecture—for about 3 hours, I drove she lectured. It wasn’t that bad and kind of interesting. She said that REBT is really good for all types of OCD, addictions, procrastination, avoidance and general neuroses. Boiled down, REBT says the people become depressed, anxious, or whatever not by the shit that happens to them but how they view it or react to it. That people are rational beings that react irrationally at times when they have conflict or something stresses them. If they can learn how to view what happens to them in broader terms they can see stuff isn’t so bad and they can cope with their problems and emotions in a more rational basis. She said it is very good for people who are really in their head which you seem to be, it is usually pretty short term therapy and is more just learning to cope than psychotherapy stuff—like did your mommy breastfeed you long enough and did you wet the bed.

To take the example of the girl you hooked up with—I view it like you’re single and you got laid, good going dude. You viewed it at first like, great I met this nice girl we had great sex and I can have a relationship with her. Then when she was just into hooking up and not commitment you were totally bummed that she rejected YOU and YOU “should” have done something different or “shouldn’t” have hooked up with her or whatever else you told yourself when she wasn’t going to be relationship material. But it had nothing to do with YOU; it takes two people to have a relationship. You wanted one thing, she wanted something else and it was only going to be what it was—from what you said pretty nice sex. Hey, that is cool; there is nothing “wrong” with meeting someone you like and hooking up. If you were expecting something different then you had expectations that you allowed to make you feel bad. Nothing wrong with expectations, just don’t beat yourself up if they don’t pan out.

In REBT they say, don’t “should’ on yourself. Obviously a play on shitting on yourself which is what you are really doing. Whether you should have done something different is immaterial, you did what you did and you both presumably enjoyed it, nothing wrong about that. What has caused you the hurt is how you viewed it afterward, another REBT term is “awfulizing”. You forgot the good part of the encounter and elevated your disappointment to “awful” status. Basically you are not looking at the whole picture in context and dwelling on making the situation worse than it really is.

Now in full disclosure I am not this smart about REBT and psychological stuff, even though I got the 3 hour lecture on REBT in the car. My girlfriend actually gave me notes on what to say—sort of like lecture notes. Most of the above is based on what she said. She told me you sound pretty cool and it was the girl’s loss if she didn’t want to get to know you better. She likes the fact that you actually want to get to know the girl and have someone special and not just treat a girl like a “sperm depository”. Yes, sperm depository is actually my girlfriend’s term—if I had said that she would have called me a jerk.

This part is strictly my comments; early on at college we broke up for awhile. Bunch of reasons, mostly we were 18 and had only been with each other. Part of my issue was that to say I was backward in the romance department before I was with my girlfriend is an understatement. My guess is that your university isn’t much different than ours. Here for the most part sex is a series of hookups, especially lower classmen. After we broke up I was pissed and hooked up with every chick I could which was not really all that hard. Our school is like 60/40 girls to guys and honestly some of the girls are more sexually aggressive than the guys—that is a typical ratio for US and Canadian universities. Neither of us found a relationship with any of the many people with which we each hooked up; probably because we really weren’t open to it and just wanted to cut loose and party. If you want to find someone to really be with, you need to be open to it. If you meet some chick that you like I would say go for it; afterwards tell her that you liked being with her and want to see her again—only if you really like her, don’t act desperate. Also don’t geek out and immediately start on the “R” word. Every encounter is not going to turn into a relationship, in fact most will not. But it gets better we got back together. Now that we are close to graduating we were talking the other day about how many “couple friends” we have. We have a friend that graduated last year, a total partier, he moved in with some girl a few months ago that he met a work. Just be open to someone and see where it goes without a bunch of pressure.

Since you are Canadian and your name I figure you are a hockey player—hell just being Canadian you probably are. I will tell you the Gretzky quote my high school baseball coach told us when we clutched and didn’t swing at a strike, “I miss 100% of the shots I don’t take.” Take the shot, some time it will go top shelf with the girl and nothing is going to stop it.

Thank You

I really appreciate you taking the time to write out what you did, it means alot. I apologize for the late reply, I havent been on this site that often these days, ive been trying to get through the dark times without leaning on someone like this site. For a long time I have had this feeling that someone will come and save me from my issues, being a girl and all. Life isnt a fairy tale and im trying to be a better person by myself but it always hurts when a girl doesnt pan out. Too be honest, thats what I have done with alot of girls afterwords when it never pans out, I shit on myself and get really upset but ive learned to get over it slightly. I just had the exact situation and instead of getting upset at myself I just said too myself she wasnt worth it, she doesnt know what shes missing out on and just left it at that. A couple weeks later she came back and said she was sorry and didnt know what she was thinking but I had already made my decision and just moved on. I believe most people deserve second chances but not when it comes to someones feelings. Anyways I think this therapy is what I need for my HOCD. Three weeks ago I came back from a music festival, I tried LSD. It was a great time and I had some anxiety but the week after I returned I actually had never felt better mentally. Everything was so much clearer and there were no negative intrusive voices in my head I just simply felt in control. I got sick after this and I soom became a very moody person. I am just getting over it and I feel normal, sometimes in control of my mind sometimes not in control. I want that week back, it was a little taste of how I can live, it was amazing.

Summer Plans

took me a while to respond but I am doing the same thing I did last summer which is working at a fishing lodge. Its very good money for school but the hours are crap, im sleeping at odd hours and in short time frames. Sometimes the most I get in a night is 4 hours. I notice this is taking a toll on me mentally and it makes me not want to work like this next year but this job is so ideal for me, its on the water which I love and its the perfect amount of money for school. I have had no issues with porn until I got here and Ive been on a five day bender. It always occurs when im not getting enough sleep that I relapse the most, and mood has been changing often as well. Its a very high stress and demanding job im constantly working and hosting towards our guests here. I just dont know how to work through everything. I wake up every morning with the attitude that I can pull out of this bender because I have been so consistent and I know I can. I already am. I am still taking anti depressants but I am not really noticing much help from it. I dont drink or smoke on this job which is nice and its in such a remote place that it gets really lonely and when I hit those lonely times, thats when my craving for porn comes back. I ha ve been viewing porn that I watched when I got into it at first as a young kid, thats what ive been craving. But I am determined to get through this rut and pull through to my consistency. I just wish my head was clearer and less foggy.

Being tired

 is a known trigger, but you can use a trigger to be on guard, rather than an excuse to use.

Bingeing on porn, needless to say Biggrin , makes your fatigue, brain power and self-control even worse, so put your computer or phone where you can't get to it for a while and go through the withdrawal...again.

You could be having one of the truly great times of your life and perhaps meeting important contacts for the future. You're throwing it away, and there's lots at stake. If you escalated once you can easily do so again. Stop now.

I relapsed or am in danger of relapse. (EMERGENCY MEASURES) | Your Brain On Porn