On Day 50 and I have of late been having a rough go of things. I dont feel myself at all, alot of ups and downs. My mood and emotions are just everywhere I feel like a girl who just discovered her first period its just a weird feeling. My sexual desire is nowhere to be seen and its really starting to eat away at me as much as I try not to worry about it. I had the opportunity to have sex this past weekend and I just wasnt feeling it, felt almost uncomfortable.
I dont know what just happened. I am trying not to get frustrated but I was in such a good mindset going into this. 2 and a half weeks down and I relapsed last night. Its in the middle of exam week for me and I feel more depressed than before. Trying to study while not masturbating/porn and giving up weed is a challenge but I thought I could do it. It was going pretty well I mean i didnt see any changes but that was only because it was 2 and a half weeks. Anyways my HOCD was at an all time high, it was spinning all the time in my brain and I literally couldnt study.
Havent been on the site for quite some time but figured it was time to update my blog. Ive been working in a remote place for the summer in an area with little wifi, no cell service and just surrounded by pure nature. It was an awesome life experience and I am now a month down of no masturbation and no porn. Lots of ups and downs, cant say that I feel any better, but my libido is for sure gone. The voices in my head havent stopped, they keep on pushing but I just roll it off my shoulders and do my best to not react emotionally because that is the key.
Havent masturbated for 38 days, been realllly dam close though, experienced what people like to call "blue balls" many times. I really havent been noticing any different since two weeks ago, no mood changes still the same and still the same amount of hocd. I have alot of hocd still but really it just brushes off my shoulder most of the time. Is it normal that I am not noticing anything major yet? It should be because its only the beginning of the reboot right? My mind is now leaving the thought of freaking out of being gay and now brings up bisexual alot.
On another run here and ive been successful for the last 6 weeks for not looking at porn I just havent been able to go long periods of time without eventually masturbating. My longest run has been 3 weeks. I was at a dance at my school that was for the handicapped kids of my grade and I was part of the organization so I was there and there were some girls from my grade that were also helping out and I was flirting with one of them until in my brain I had this queasy moment where something hit me in my mind and just spoke "Im gay" like one of those moments where you know its happening.
Relapsed the same way again, I had marijuanna in my system and saw an adult film on tv and did it again. I felt like crap afterwards but thought of it as a new life, I wasnt pleased with that streak. Althought I improved 8 days from my last attempt, I was doing the right steps. I was fantasizing alot during it when I should try not too, and I was thinking about it too much, questioning everything that came to mind. I want to do it right so I can be healed. I am so impatient with this, I just want to feel normal again.
Finally have gone past a week and it feels like I can go on forever. Unfortunately I lost my playoff game last night on my sports team and we were supposed to win it for the finals. That sport was my life I live it sleep it love it. So it has been pretty hard to swallow it and I was so down last night that I almost masturbated but snapped out of it just in time. I have my prom next week, any suggestions on what to do with alcohol? Should I just go sober, even though everyone from my class will be hammered?
I am 17, have escalated to gay porn from my addiction to porn itself. I know at heart I am straight, but its so hard sometimes. I have had so many relationships with girls and I love it. I wanna be with one so badly, I love the smell of a girl their soft lips and just their body. I want to marry a beautiful one when I am older and raise a family, but since the porn use I havent been attracted to them as sexually as I am to the gay porn.