Ok, so basically I quit trying for awhile... kinda. I didn't go back to my old habits, but I wasn't actively avoiding my impulses either. Anyway, I'm proud to come back with a clean week behind me. I think two things have helped. I shifted my focus from the total days I had to go to looking at the days left. Saying 53 left vs 7 out of 60 sounds better to me. Also I'm more in the moment with my avoidance, saying I have to be clean for 60 days is harder than saying I only have to stay clean in the present moment.
Some days it's just so easy, and obviously others it's the most difficult thing I've ever done. I have to admit that I feel quite lonely and heartbroken at the moment, but only because I'm infatuated with this girl from one of my classes, that and my roommates are hooking up with people while we're studying abroad and I'm trying to abstain. I really don't know why I go to the clubs and torture myself. I flirt with girls, but really I'm just teasing myself.
Well, yet another slip up. Always frustrating to feel like you're watching what happens and not able to stop it. Since this keeps happening, I think I need to rethink my strategy. My abuse of PMO I'm sure would be fun on it's own, but I'm sure there's an underlying reason why I continue a behavior I know is self destructive. I'm gonna do some writing and look myself over to see what I come up with. I'll let you guys know.
I realize that interacting with girls is good during the reboot, it helps keep my goal in mind and is a big confidence booster. However, I feel like my new found ability to talk to girls and easily set up dates is a dangerous area. I feel kind of stressed and a little down when trying to figure out the right thing to do in regards to relationships and girls in general. My first relationship ever was very short and I was the only member putting in effort, she used me basically. I've felt used in my other relationships as well.
So I still have yet to beat my record of two weeks clean. I tied it last time, about 4 days ago or so. I slipped up again yesterday because I had this terrible dream about someone in my family dying and then I couldn't get in touch with my parents for 4 days... scary stuff. Anyway, I ended up PMOing, not out of any desire really, but just because I needed something to occupy my mind other than worry. Of course I finally heard back that everything was ok not too long after I slipped :/ So today I had a friend of mine come over to watch a movie.
I'm on a clean streak of 12 days. Things have seemed easier since my realization that "giving up porn" isn't actually giving up anything, but instead it's just me gaining the confidence and ability I want in my life. My record throughout my attempt to go clean (3 months, 3 weeks) is 14 days, so I'm very excited because I'm sure I'm going to beat it this time and keep going. I felt a little depressed this weekend, but I took a girl on a date, which may have messed around with my head game a bit. All in all, I'm feeling hopeful.
I kind of had an a-ha moment the other day, but can't really remember the wording. I think it had something to do with realizing that my brain is essentially lying to me. Porn triggers my brain to fire up, but my brain encourages me to continue because it thinks it is real. It's up to me to take control and show my brain what it should do. Basically it boiled down to the fact that I chalk up my thoughts to what is essentially me, but really the attraction to porn isn't me, nor are the thoughts that promote its use. My slip ups are usually like one last hurrah before I quit.
I'm on a clean streak of 4 days. It's weird. Recently it's been hard to make it a day or 2. I think what has helped is not being on break anymore haha. Now that school's back on me, I'm staying busier. Also, I'm picking up the guitar now, which I'm really excited about. I had always wanted to learn, but always felt like I lacked the follow through to do it. It's amazing how much time there is in the day when you're not watching porn haha.
I'm noticing that the more I'm on the site, the longer my gaps between relapses seem to be. Whenever I slip up, I usually feel inclined to dodge the site and come back when I've got at least a week under my belt. This looks better on paper of course.
So after going on a binge and struggling for about 4-5 days, I'm back on track and keeping busy. More than that, I've begun to think in the short term. I just try to stay clean for the day and don't worry about my goal. Still feeling strong cravings and flashbacks, but I stop myself before anything gets set in motion. I'm on a 6 day clean streak right now.