So I slipped up again. I'm really upset with myself. It's not so hard, JUST DON'T TOUCH YOURSELF! Today I decided to look at pictures of a model (all softcore stuff, mainly just her beautiful face) but I guess I can't look longingly at a picture of a woman in any way. A picture of her in a bikini came up and I started getting an erection. This made me want to check and see if my sensitivity was getting better (I KNOW FOR A FACT IT DOES, YOU DON'T NEED TO CHECK!). I've done this before actually, it probably stems from my past with anxiety, worrying that it might not be working, so I have the urge to touch and find out if I actually and becoming more sensitive. I may have also used masturbation as a coping mechanism, food for thought.
The thing is, I think my addiction is more to the action of masturbating itself. Like the last time I slipped up, there was no porn. I don't need porn to achieve orgasm, just the sensation alone is enough. Perhaps I've been masturbating in and unhealthy fashion? (TMI INCOMING) I masturbate without lotion or any lubricant, I simply grab the base of the shaft and stroke rapidly, a movement that no vagina could ever compete with. But I noticed after my first streak of no PMO of 2 weeks, the sensitivity was crazy, just going to the bathroom was dangerous. So I'm convinced that if I could go 2 months, I'd be doing great (SO WHY HAVENT I!?) It's just that the longer I go, the better it gets to relapse, the sensitivity is back and it feels amazing all over again.
But then it's back to reality. I'm getting close to a girl again and if I'd only have quit PMO when I started, I'd be more than halfway ready to please her. Sorry for the big splurge, I'm just angry with myself. I know I'm not supposed to be hard on myself, but I know I can do better. I'm better than this and I deserve better too. I just gotta make it happen. One good sign though, during the slip up today I was able to pull back and take a few breaths before I gave in. I'm getting closer to being able to shake this. Wish me luck.