Two weeks ago I relapsed during my reboot, but after having relapsed a few other times in the past three months, I noticed it was becoming easier and not as frustrating every time I started the reboot back up. So, I made another attempt at the reboot. But this time was different, I had more confidence and was more determined than ever before. A week into my latest reboot attempt my HOCD was minimal, practically nonexistent, and I was feeling great.
This past Sunday, close to midnight I do believe, I started thinking about some of the amazing sex I had with ex-girlfriends, and then I masturbated to those memories. No porn, just memories, so technically I relapsed on the masturbation and orgasm part. I was a bit worried at first, but overall I felt great.
On Monday I found myself going to a porn site searching for MILF videos, and masturbated to one. I was still a bit worried, because I didn't want it to affect the reboot in a bad way, but I still felt great. "At least I'm finally enjoying and masturbating to straight porn again, just like the good ole days!" I thought to myself.
Tuesday I again masturbated to memories of ex-girlfriends. My HOCD was nowhere to be found, I loved it! I noticed I was checking out girls in public again, and was getting turned on by just talking to girls I was only semi-interested in, even with one that I had no interest in at all! I didn't want to jinx it, but I was feeling like my old self again. I also went on a date Tuesday with an amazing gal, and it went great! Gorgeous gal, great personality, and very nice physically attributes!
Yesterday I noticed I had less energy, but still felt good. I was texting the girl I went on the date with pretty much all day, feeling damn good about life in general, I was on top of the world, nothing could bring me down. Around 10pm I was feeling a bit horny, but I didn't really have any urge to masturbate. But I thought to myself: "Ever since I started masturbating to ex-girlfriends and straight porn again, I've been feeling great! Like my old self. Don't break this cycle, it's actually working!"
After having that thought, I forced myself to masturbate...4 times in the span of 5 hours. One time to a picture of the girl I went on a date with, one time to an ex-girlfriend memory, and two times to MILF porn. During the last masturbation, my HOCD came back right in the middle of it, out of nowhere! It made me question myself a billion times over like it usually does.
By the end of my masturbation spree, I felt like shit. My body felt like shit, and my mind definitely felt like shit. The HOCD was back. I was feeling like my old self those past 3 days, and now I was feeling like I did 3 months ago when I first started this journey. I just wanted to cry, but I couldn't. I just laid there on the couch and did nothing. I felt like I was going insane, constantly arguing with HOCD for about 3 hours until I eventually tired myself out and fell asleep.
I no longer felt like my old self. The feeling was gone, that was the first thing I noticed after the first time I masturbated yesterday. I masturbated the other 3 times after that in hopes of getting that feeling back somehow, but I didn't, it just made it worse. That was the main thing that really got to me. It was like winning the Mega-Millions lottery, then three days later they decide to take it all back.
Why did I have to fuck it up? God, yesterday morning I even told myself: "Hey, you need to stop with the porn and masturbating. Give the reboot a chance, give it a few months. Obviously it works, because even after only two weeks you started to take some hardcore interest to real girls again these past few days, and that's something you haven't been able to do since last October. You don't have any urges to watch Tranny porn anymore, things are going great! Don't mess this up by being stupid. Stop now while you're ahead." WHY DIDN'T I TAKE MY OWN ADVICE?!
I just feel so low right now. What if I don't get the feeling back? See, that's a dumb question right there, because I know I'll get it back if I follow the reboot. The last 3 times I rebooted I noticed that I began to start feeling like my old self again, just that this last time I was hardcore feeling like my old self again. I got that "good ole self" feeling back after only TWO WEEKS! Well, actually, since I've been rebooting and relapsing a few times these past 3 months, the total time I've actually been successfully rebooting would be about a month and a half, counting the two weeks I just did.
HOCD is a bitch. Calm and collective me knows with 100% certainty that I am definitely straight, no questions asked. I mean hell, I just went on a great date with a gorgeous gal I was practically drooling over on Tuesday, and because of a little slip up this dumbass HOCD is making me question everything? Hell no, fuck that, it's ridiculous! Your sexual orientation doesn't just magically change overnight like your HOCD would like you to believe, no matter how convincing it tries to be. It doesn't work like that. Your sexual orientation doesn't change at all, actually. Porn cannot change your sexual orientation! All it does is fuck with your head for awhile, that's it!
Two weeks ago I was feeling very low, my HOCD was as strong as it's ever been, and I was constantly questioning whether or not if rebooting actually works. Then that day came two weeks into my latest reboot attempt when I woke up and started feeling like my old self again. Rebooting does work! I'm living proof! Granted, I should have stayed with it for 4-5 months, though, possibly longer. But hell, I saw great progress after just two weeks!