Just generally feel pretty shit. I feel up tight. Feel a loss of hope in my life, and I feel a lot of shame that I'm even alive. I don't know what to do.. I'm working all the time, and although my co-workers are nice to talk to and the customers fun to help out, I generally can't see many of my good friends. I'm just... lonely. I've been working out and doing yoga but it doesn't seem to be doing a whole lot lately. I felt such a strong urge to call my ex, or even go to her house. But that's the loneliness talking, and I honestly don't want to go there.
So I do have porn blockers, but just randomly, almost... fatefully. I accidentally (and by accidentally I mean don't even remember how) came across this Facebook page which manages to post pornographic pictures and not get banned. Obviously my porn blocker isn't blocking Facebook. So anyway, about 15 minutes after my last blog post I ended up edging to these pictures. I could feel myself going down the downward spiral and I would probably be back at Day 0 except that I pulled away. I didn't O and I didn't overdose myself with dopamine.
I contacted my ex last night.
I'll start by saying I'm very happy I've reached Day 7 with almost no urge to relapse, and only 1 or 2 moments in Days 1 - 3 where I felt emotionally down.
I've felt really great lately, except today I noticed a large drop in energy and motivation when compared to Days 5 & 6. Today was probably the most probable day for me to relapse so far. So I'm proud of myself for sticking with it.
So it's Day 4, well Night 4 really. I'm feeling good about not watching porn. My soul feels cleaner, my personality real and my mind clearer.
It's late and perhaps I shouldn't be blogging but I said I would and I've been keeping to my word today.
Day 1 went well. Straightening my priorities out about PMO actually enabled me to stop worrying about the sexual part of myself and focus on everything else. Emotionally I suddenly feel more stable and at work today I worked a lot better than I have the past week or 2 (though not half as good as when I was abstaining).
Writing out things has helped me a lot. After reading back on my blog post I realised I said something along the lines of: I'm giving into my cravings, porn can be okay in certain circumstances and hey, I want to explore my sexuality through porn.
Reading that I thought to myself, I'm just trying my best to rationalise myself out of the struggle of quitting porn. And by doing this I'm further delaying my struggle and eventual quitting of porn. And porn no matter what the benefits just isn't worth the toll on my brain's, my physical and emotional well being.
So I posted 3 days ago, and the next day was supposed to be day 1 of my no PMO diet. I failed today, and the first day. Didn't watch porn on the 17th. However, there is a flip side to this story. Generally over the last few years when viewing porn, I've felt embarrassed and on-edge. Most of the time I was worried about my parents walking in or them finding a stain somewhere. I also felt ashamed in general that I was watching it.
I decided after seeing so many amazing blogs posted on YBOP that I needed to make one myself. I also figured that I needed to do this because I continue to fail in my attempts to quit at porn, and that perhaps by documenting it I may work out some triggers and also have more motivation to succeed in my goal. Right now I'm just not willing to put enough effort in to ignore my cravings.
Brief history of my porn usage/relationship to sex over the past few years: