I would love to get some feedback on some of what I have been going through, if at all possible. Any suggestions, opinions, etc that you may have, please feel free to share them with me.
I will try to just write what is relevant to the situation now.
Last week I smoked some weed that, I know now, was laced with PCP. It was a very strange experience, but extremely necessary for me. I was having a bad trip and I thought I had overdosed, so I called 911 and was picked up in an ambulance and taken to a hospital. It was strange, for sure. It wasn't a near-death experience, I don't think. Well, I wasn't anywhere near dear, but in my mind I was convinced I was, so I think that serves some legitimacy for my experience. I had a sort of flash of my life.
I had my girlfriend over this evening. Our relationship is going well. Unfortunately, I slipped with the porn yesterday, ended up masturbating twice. I had gone likely over 30 days or more. I also smoked. That was what set it off I realized. I had a cigarette on an new years, and that slight retreat back into dopamine highs got me hooked into the cycle again. But I am not going to binge, stop this immediately. And I don't want to. It is so hopeless and stupid. You get this sharp little hit and then that is it...THAT'S IT! Nothing more so you can forget it. That is it and all.
I am feeling some serious heat right now. I feel so compelled to walk over to the library desk, take out a laptop, go home with it, look at porn, masturbate, and bring it back...BUT I WON'T! Absolutely not. Oh, how crushing that would be! So I won't let it happen, I can't let it happen. Well, I can't and I won't.
I woke up yesterday morning masturbating. It was really weird. I don't feel bad about it because I can honestly say I had no control over that. It was like a weird unconscious action. So strange! I'm just happy I did not ejaculate so I did not lose my energy.
Hey folks! I am doing well in terms of moving along and transitioning into a life without porn. Here is what is new with me.
I have been having trouble sleeping. I did not fall asleep until 3 last night and then I woke up at 7:30. But perhaps this shall pass and I will have better sleeping patterns.
-I have started dating a really sweet and intelligent girl. I am very happy to spend time with her cuddling and talking. She is so precious and warm!
-I have not smoked in probably 25 days now, though I have lost official count.
Some of this is just the same thing, over again. I listen to the same music over and over again. Of course when I listen to the music I did when I used porn is going to bring nostalgia and compulsion towards porn. It is is so great to hear this music I listened to years ago! Sufjan Stevens. It is so happy, bold, and marvelous. I love it!! I feel so happy listening to it!!
I feel different than I have before. Which is probably a good thing, an indication that I am moving, particularly moving away from the lifestyle of consumption that I have lived.
I have been doing well with abstaining from PMO and cigarettes in the past week. Today, I fell to all of these. But, I did taste freedom for a brief little while there, and it was great.
I have come so far from who I am. I actually do not even know who I am. I catch fragments here and there, but I am generally quite confused about myself. Every day, I am a constant battle for balance/equilibrium. This I have never reached. My struggle has defined me. I have been so caught up in it that I have become it. I do believe this. Actually, I think I know this. It is the majority of what I think about. Either avoiding or getting my next fix is what is on my mind. This is the addict's mind. This is me.