Day 1, I'm back

Submitted by jigsaw on
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Had a very rough time. I was coping with a lot of stress and high blood pressure. All beceasue of my exams at school and other work related problems. In this period I relapsed way too often. I felt horrible. Stress, anxiety, depression, panick. My HOCD/ROCD fired right up. Even after watching porn. I was completely confused.

Yesterday (monday) was the last time I relapsed. I reset my counter, blocked all porn sites, and started to work out again.

This OCD is a stupid trap. You always believe the lies, beceause the fears are feeling so realistic. But then I find an answer somewhere and it satisfies me for a moment. After a short while, everything starts over and questioning begins. I'm starting my psychotherapy on the 20th of March. I think a lot has to do with my porn addiction. But not everything. My HOCD and ROCD always have a fear of loss as the root of the problem.

I lost my dad a few years ago -> found the girl of my life -> being gay would be a huge threat to my relationship. That's in short what started my HOCD. The ROCD kicked in when I was questioning my love and feelings towards my girl. Even now I question them. All sorts of questions arise. "What would I feel when I'm about to see her?" "Do I feel the right thing?" "Did I just feel happy when I left?" It's absolutly horrifing and depressing. But as always: I'm gonna stick with my actions. There is absolutely no way I'm gonna leave here, beceause most of the time, I feel great being with her.

So.... a fresh start. I'm very hopefull beceause I had some brief moments in the past where I could taste the beaty of feeling 'clean'.



Yes I read that Marnia :) But I'm not sure where my OCD comes from. Did I develop a trauma when my dad suddenly past away, and now I just have a great fear of loss? Or is it just the porn ? So basically, do I have classic HOCD or porn-induced HOCD. I have to be extra carefull with therapy I guess.

To answer it myself: I have felt better when abstaining from orgasm for 50 days, so it could just be the porn.
But then again, I got my withdrawal symptoms (first HOCD panic attack) 1,5 month after I quit porn. Is this normal ?