I started masturbating at age of 13 to a porn movie. I increased the frequencies and the fantasies especially after age of 21 to a point where binging could last all day and even all week ends. I think it all came from a mix of violent family environment (parents fighting, shouting mostly rarely physical violence), neglecting father, unhealthy parents as a couple, boredome (I had few friends), complexes about my height, etc.). So i found in masturbation, a safe haven. I mainly mastrubated to internet porn, chatting, stories, etc.
I had a nice week end full of events. I sensed that I was making conversations and people actually wanted to hang out around me. Talking to people is not just small talk and then they leave. Now, i take pleasure at conversing with people. I do not show any stress.
A good indicator that I am getting better talking to 2 particular friends with which the conversation is cool and constructive now whereas in the past it was all tensed. I feel comfortable when an ex gf is around other guys.
One month!!!! It is great to be alive. I want to congratulate myself for this great achievement. It has been one month no PMO.
Today I relapsed!! Well I won’t consider it relapse because it lasted for 30 minutes and all I did is read like 2 or 3 sex stories, watched 3 porn movies and saw like 10 celeb picture.
I stroke my coke that was fully erected like a dozen times. I mean of course I was aroused but the good thing is that I could stop it whereas in the past, I was going into binges.
So Its like a mini relapse, because I stopped it early, so I guess my brain appreciated the fact that I could stop it.
I was less depressed than yesterday, maybe because I have done some workout to feed my brain dopamine. I went to dinner with a friend where we talked about everything. At some point we mentioned sexual experience, I should have changed the subject.
Another friend that I met later that night noticed my down status and told me I was withering/fading, like a plant without water. But anyway I managed to be calm and spent a nice eve.
I felt really empty and tired all day. Like I couldn’t feel anything. I was a dead alive person. Nothing could get me excited. I watched some youtube movies at times. I can’t concentrate on anything. I procrastinate all day. It feels like I don’t want to do anything.
I do not feel depressed because depression used to send anxiety signals all over my body. No, I just feel tired, lazy, without energy and feelings.
I do not feel great as I am procrastinating at home. Low financial resources. Did not apply to targeted firms yet. Friends are reaping benefits and taking actions with their lives (i.e summer vacations,.). I have uncertainty about my future as opportunities are virtual till now and for example I do not have the cash to finance university yet.
I am procrastinating today like crazy. I think I feel down because of my unemployed situation. I hope it is just the cycle of no PMO.
I’m happy its day 16. I am not feeling the ecstasy about it but I feel I am strong. For ex, Although a lot of things are not going well in my life right now, I wasn’t depressed about it. I tried to analyse and find solutions. Anyway, it wasn’t not the greatest day.
Half a month!!! No pmo does not mean you are become a genius or reap the benefits right away. Be patient! Nothing I repeat nothing, no setbacks, no stress, no overwhelm will push you to PMO! Never again.
I was overwhelmed today by this question “What is my definite purpose in life? “