22 years old - trying (and failing) since 19 years old. Report!

Submitted by johnbraunwald on
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Hi, I'm a 4th year medical student from a South American country. I've been trying NoFap since October 2011. My longest streak was 59 days, in 3 years. I started nofap back in 2011 because I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, and was having PIED with different girls. It happened to me twice that year, with the only two girls I could have sex with. I knew something was wrong and was already googling "masturbation social problems" and other terms BEFORE PIED happened. I realized that porn was causing it when I had real problems to get hard with the second girl, and she was really attractive. I had to racionalize why the things went wrong and just realized that I had masturbated several times that day, before going out with her.

Since then I've trying to quit porn. One and a half month after I started NoFap (november 2011) I began another relationship with my second girlfriend. As the time passed I started to realize she was the love of my life, because she was exactly like me in every way possible (minus the penis). But I screwed it up with my jealousy and insecurity, leaving her toeventually broke up with me (I now know that it was the right thing for her to do, I was really being a jackass). That was July this year. We lived in the same city for 2 years, but this year I moved back to my city because I could transfer my university back home. So we were in a long distance relationship which made everything way worse.

Since then I have been suffering from the break up, masturbating a lot. But eventually I grew stronger and could manage to hit 59 days this year. This was in August and September. I contacted her a lot of time during the break up, begging, asking, and doing all this shameful stuff, and she was always saying that maybe in the future we could work out. In the first months of the break up she was very irresponsible and unpolite to me. But from 2 months to now she started being kind, and answering my messages and even getting my calls. She is coming to my city in 17 days. I asked her if we could have dinner together and she said yes. That was 14 days ago. Since then I've continuously avoiding contacting her, to not screw things up. AND TO HEAL.

The thing is: I was devasted in the beggining of the break up but now I'm good. But I realized I was depressed, two months ago. I couldn't have pleasure doing the things I like. Would think that nothing have value in my life, if she's not in it. Even months after the break up. I went to see a psychiastry and she prescribed me SSRI (Escitalopram). I've feeling better since I started taking it (35 days ago) but that feeling of emptyness NEVER went complete away.

I feel really better right now. The obssessive thoughts are really diminished, but are still there. I sometimes dream of her and that we are back together. I would cry a lot in the first months, but now it's been some months since the last time I cried. But the hardest thing for me still is moving on. I can't get over her. I thinking every day that no other girl will be just like me like she is. I've dated some hot girls, and have sex with 6 girls since we break, but that only made me feel more confident, not changing my feelings for her.

I realized NoFap have helped me a lot. And today I relapsed after a 11-day streak. I had a practical test today which envolved a patient, and present the case to the attending doctor. The patient complimented me in front of him and said that in 14 years that he's been treating at our hospital, no other student had gave him the attention and the service I provided him, saying I was the best medical student he knew (he had no idea I was being tested). That's the power of NoFap. That's the better version of me I want for myself.
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I'm now here for the long run. I'm tired of being depressed because of my ex, feeling that my life have no purpose without her, and that I will never find somebody like her.

I'm here to heal. NoContact has been helping me, since not speaking to her really is making me realize that maybe we will never get back again, no matter what I do, and that I should move on.

I'm sorry I have written all this "ex-girlfriend" bullshit, I just had to put it off.

Since in 2011 it made a real big difference writing my journal daily in Reuniting (and reading how I felt the days before and noticing the progress) that's what I'm going to do again. NoFap made my life way better through changes in my perception of life. Hope that happens again.

Wish me luck! Since I relapsed today. Tomorrow is going to be day 1.

Thank you all for the support.

Comments

Day 1: I woke up feeling like

Day 1: I woke up feeling like shit (that's what PMO does to you). I was REALLY anxious, uneasy and unconfortable. I meditated for 20 minutes then felt really better. By now (noon) I'm feeling 100% better. But today is a written reminder to myself: you will feel like utterly shit when you PMO, it's like 2+2=4. I went to the gym but was really distressed, so I couldn't do anything of notice. Hope tomorrow will be a better day. Notice that these are not withdraw symptoms from abstaining; these are the direct products of PMO: anxiety, emptyness and despair.